The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
methodistgirl
New member
Marvel, I like the one about the preacher. That was funny.:grin:
judy tooley
judy tooley
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
METEOROLOGIST JEFF HABY
Have you noticed the hurricane names just do not do justice to how terrifying the storms are? Who could be afraid of names like Karl, Lisa, Jeanne or Nicole? The proposition is to create a new set of names that will get people's attention that a dangerous storm is on the way. Attention grabbing names like beast, freak, psycho, nuke and hell. Below is a proposed list of new hurricane names.
Proposed New Hurricane Names For Next Year:
A- Annihilate
B- Beast
C- Cantankerous
D- Demolishment
E- Evil
F- Freak
G- Grisly
H- Hell
I- Infamous
J- Jeopardy
K- Kooky
L- Liverish
M- Malicious
N- Nuke
O- Offensive
P- Psycho
Q- Quash
R- Ravage
S- Scuzzy
T- Terminator
U- Ugly
V- Vicious
W- Wacko
Have you noticed the hurricane names just do not do justice to how terrifying the storms are? Who could be afraid of names like Karl, Lisa, Jeanne or Nicole? The proposition is to create a new set of names that will get people's attention that a dangerous storm is on the way. Attention grabbing names like beast, freak, psycho, nuke and hell. Below is a proposed list of new hurricane names.
Proposed New Hurricane Names For Next Year:
A- Annihilate
B- Beast
C- Cantankerous
D- Demolishment
E- Evil
F- Freak
G- Grisly
H- Hell
I- Infamous
J- Jeopardy
K- Kooky
L- Liverish
M- Malicious
N- Nuke
O- Offensive
P- Psycho
Q- Quash
R- Ravage
S- Scuzzy
T- Terminator
U- Ugly
V- Vicious
W- Wacko
marval
New member
Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing Bigbones.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs are not GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manoeuvre.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing Bigbones.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs are not GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manoeuvre.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Me neither Ms. Margaret :tiphat:
Here are what we can still laugh about on Bill Clinton and his public love affair to Miss Levinsky:
Tuesday, January 27, 1998 -- Lunchtime!
The Top Five Punchlines: And now the Bill Clinton Joke of the Day Page is less than proud to present the Top Five Punchlines for Jokes Received in the Last Week:
1.She didn't inhale!
2.He didn't insert!
3.She didn't swallow!
4.Swallow the Leader
5. Oral Office (Folks, I used this one already!)
Your esteements on dogs and computers though are fair!!
marval
New member
Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on Earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.
1. Name two days of the week that begin with T
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered
1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names and they are Andy and Howard.
Saint Peter said "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. "Ok I give in said Saint Peter, but what about God's first name stuff?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song...Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own... and the prayer...Our Father Which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."
Saint Peter let him in without further ado.
1. Name two days of the week that begin with T
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered
1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names and they are Andy and Howard.
Saint Peter said "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. "Ok I give in said Saint Peter, but what about God's first name stuff?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song...Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own... and the prayer...Our Father Which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."
Saint Peter let him in without further ado.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.
HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.
WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life.
HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.
HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.
WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life.
HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Coral Symphony - From Beethoven's Carribean period.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret :tiphat:
Like I told on the weather thread from yesterday, a dignitar spoke the speech of the fire, much tooooooooooo long. One of these guys to realy enjoys his own voice, probably a future Prime minister.
My son told me this joke during the speech, while we were drinking beer and eating sausages and bread which had been toasted (burned) on the fire and I was all :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
In the not very distant future…
One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”.
One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”.
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Hi Ms. Margaret,
It was a plain and simple joke - thats all :lol::lol::lol:
Cheers,
CD
It was a plain and simple joke - thats all :lol::lol::lol:
Cheers,
CD
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
How about a Hot Dog?
Or would ya rather go on a date with this guy?
Or would ya rather go on a date with this guy?
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intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
An economist, a philosopher, a biologist, and an architect were were arguing about what was God's real profession.
The philosopher said, "Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live."
"Ridiculous!" said the biologist "Before that, God created man and woman and all living things so clearly he was a biologist."
"Wrong," said the architect. "Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!"
"Well," said the economist, "where do you think the chaos came from?"
The philosopher said, "Well, first and foremost, God is a philosopher because he created the principles by which man is to live."
"Ridiculous!" said the biologist "Before that, God created man and woman and all living things so clearly he was a biologist."
"Wrong," said the architect. "Before that, he created the heavens and the earth. Before the earth, there was only complete confusion and chaos!"
"Well," said the economist, "where do you think the chaos came from?"
marval
New member
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: How much?"
WOMAN: $60,000.
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: How much?"
WOMAN: $60,000.
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"