The Jokes Thread

[intet_at_tabe]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Oh, cute Ms. Margaret :tiphat::clap::banana::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Can´t help thinking of the poor husband, poor in every sense of the word, who will have the surprice of his life.


15 ways to confuse Santa:


1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

5. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

6. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

7. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

8. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

9. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

10. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

11. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

12. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

13. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

14. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

15. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Three blondes are on a deserted island with only a bridge going back.

They find a magic lamp.

A genie appears and grants them 3 wishes.

The first blond wishes to be 25% smarter.
She turns into a brunette and swims across.

The second blonde wishes to be 50% smarter and turns into a brunette with glasses,
finds some material, builds a raft and rows across.

The third blonde wishes to be 100% smarter.

She turns into a man and crosses the bridge

 

[Mat]

Niiiiiice:lol::lol::lol::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap:

 

[marval]

Some good jokes there Intet


Margaret

 

[marval]

A van-load of wigs were stolen yesterday.
Police are combing the area for clues.

All the toilet seats at the police station were stolen. The thief is still at large, the police are having trouble finding him as they have nothing to go on.

 

[marval]

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.
“Keep it,” the clerk advises. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”

 

[Mat]

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber
being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is
the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait
a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss,
hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

 

[marval]

Oops, HaHa Mat.


Margaret

 

[marval]

A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce...keep it until the loan is paid off."

Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.

The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow $200?"

The man answers "I had to go to Europe for six months, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that."

 

[Contratrombone64]

Margaret very funny

 

[marval]

Hi CD

Glad you like it.


Margaret

 

[Contratrombone64]

An Aussie story ...

'Hello, is this the police?'

'Yes it is. How can we help you?'

'I'm calling to report my neighbour, Wazza.
He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!'

'Thank you very much for the call.'

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great
numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood
is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
cocaine.

They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.

'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop up your firewood?'

'Yep.'

'Happy Birthday, MAAATTTEEEEE!!!!

 

[Contratrombone64]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

 

[marval]

Two very good jokes there CT. I like them.


Margaret

 

[marval]

A 15 year old boy went into the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He began looking at the packages, but wasn't sure what size to get so he asked the pharmacist. The pharmacist got him the right size.

Later that night before dinner at his girlfriend's house her dad said a rather lengthy prayer. When he was done the kid kept staring down at his plate. After dinner when the couple was leaving, his girlfriend said, " Gee, I didn't know you were so religious!"

The boy said, "And I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

 

[Mat]

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

 

[marval]

Nice one Mat.


Margaret

 

[marval]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll c...p on its head."

 

[Contratrombone64]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!

 

[marval]

I have heard that one, still funny though.


Margaret