The Jokes Thread

marval

marval

New member
The Pope is travelling by limo across America to make appearances.
One day he sees that his driver is taking him on an old dirt highway and the area is fairly desolate. He asks his driver, "You know, I've always had a chauffeur. I bet it's fun to drive. Would you mind if I gave it a try?"

The driver is a bit surprised, but agrees. After all, he is the Pope. The driver gets in the back of the limousine and lets the Pope take the wheel. The Pope is having such a good time that he speeds up.

As he goes around a bend, a cop clocks him speeding and pulls him over. The officer walks to the window and upon seeing who it is, radios headquarters.

Cop: "I just pulled over a car for speeding, but it's someone special.
Should I give him a ticket?"

H.Q.: " Is it the governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."

H.Q.: "The President?!?"
Cop: "Bigger."

H.Q.: "Damn! Who's bigger than the president?!?"
Cop: "I don't know, but he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
 
Contratrombone64

Contratrombone64

Admiral of Fugues
this is, apparently, a joke... though I didn't really get it.

And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'
 
marval

marval

New member
Hi CT

I would laugh but, like you I don't get it either.
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Margaret
 
marval

marval

New member
"Asia was by far my favourite destination," the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. "Enigmatic and Magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster."

"What about the pagodas?" a man beside her asked. "Did you see them?"

"Did I see them? my dear, I had dinner with them."
 
Mat

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
The wealthy, high-society mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and
adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told
her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until
then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh
Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a woman!"
 
Mat

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb!


================

Man walks into a supermarket and buys :

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
She replies "because you're ugly."
 
marval

marval

New member
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
 
marval

marval

New member
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Dewey Cheatham

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
 
Mat

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
What did the elephant say to the naked man?

That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!
 
marval

marval

New member
"Cinderella at 75"

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen,so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
 
Corno Dolce

Corno Dolce

Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Did y'all hear about Beethoven causing quite a consternation when he, at a very, very, very young age left his *first movement* on the piano bench...
 
marval

marval

New member
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."
 
Corno Dolce

Corno Dolce

Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at the Town Hall in Racine. Come and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa

What do you call an organ mixture stop composed of pipes with leathered lips? Upholstered Fourniture.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
 
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