The Jokes Thread
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marval
New member
For those of you who don't get this, you will, your day is comming.
Recently I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it mainifests.
I decide to water my garden, as I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decides it needs washing.
As I start towards my garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected from the letter box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that it is full.
So I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidently knock it over.
The coke is getting warm and I decide to put in the fridge to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - they need water. I put the coke on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I had better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote control, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote control back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day
The car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of coke sitting on the worktop
the flowers don't have enough water
there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
I can't find the remore control
I can't find my glasses
and I don't remember what I did with the cars keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Recently I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it mainifests.
I decide to water my garden, as I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decides it needs washing.
As I start towards my garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected from the letter box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that it is full.
So I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidently knock it over.
The coke is getting warm and I decide to put in the fridge to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - they need water. I put the coke on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I had better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote control, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote control back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day
The car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of coke sitting on the worktop
the flowers don't have enough water
there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book
I can't find the remore control
I can't find my glasses
and I don't remember what I did with the cars keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Judy, Margaret, Intet - thanks
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they
asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a
man'."
Mat :tiphat::clap::banana::trp:
Poor guy :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:, he should probably have chosen another kinda gal. He must have thrown the towel to the center of the ring - years ago. It´s like I´ve always said: Never marry for money!!
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret :tiphat:
Some of this I can remember not long ago, but in my case it was because of years of very slow rehabilitation since the assault and haemorridge, the
symptoms of short time memory, huge difficulties in concentration, the almost total lack of the ability to follow the news on TV, because they always spoke much too fast.
I could decide in the morning to write down, what I should remember to buy at the market, put my outdoors clothes on, reach the center on my "Harley" and realise I forgot my vallet with the list of goods at home, being inside the gates of the center. So no problem, I drove back home, only to realise being back, I couldn´t remember, why I came back and what happened to the goods I should have bought. That made me embarrassed.
Are your days like this every day?
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methodistgirl
New member
I have had memory problems since I was little. Now that I'm older
I'm getting worse. Something happened after I had surgery when
I was 9.
judy tooley
I'm getting worse. Something happened after I had surgery when
I was 9.
judy tooley
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Please, Ms. Margaret :tiphat:
So what are you saying, I don´t mean to be inpolite nor sound too stupid, but you wrote a long list of examples you forget during the day. I took it for honesty and not a joke. Now you say: I tend to do things straight away so I don´t forget?
Do you have this inability and diagnose A.A.A.A.A.?
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
The American in Hong Kong was talking to his wife one evening over
supper. "Get this..." he chuckled, "That ridiculous janitor of ours
claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one."
"Hmm," said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type
expression, "must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor."
==========================================
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I
just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the
mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care...Just get the f**k out!"
supper. "Get this..." he chuckled, "That ridiculous janitor of ours
claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one."
"Hmm," said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type
expression, "must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor."
==========================================
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I
just won the lottery!"
She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the
mountains?"
He replies, "I don't care...Just get the f**k out!"
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marval
New member
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman, who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her purse extracted ten dollars, and asked "If I give you this money will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" "No I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman answered.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No I don't waste my time shopping," The homeless woman said. "I need to eat."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS, I haven't had my hair done in twenty years."
"Well," said the woman "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead I'm going to take you out to dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay, it's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."
The woman took out her purse extracted ten dollars, and asked "If I give you this money will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" "No I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman answered.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.
"No I don't waste my time shopping," The homeless woman said. "I need to eat."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS, I haven't had my hair done in twenty years."
"Well," said the woman "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead I'm going to take you out to dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay, it's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."
methodistgirl
New member
I have some southern humor for you.YouTube - Jeff Foxworthy - Redneck Stomp
This is what Kentucky is like where I live. I thought you might like it.
judy tooley
This is what Kentucky is like where I live. I thought you might like it.
judy tooley
marval
New member
[FONT=Verdana,]It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "REALLY DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "REALLY DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!" [/FONT]
Hawk Henries
New member
Obsessed ...
If I was obsessed with material things I'd be a lawyer.
One such was getting out of his Ferrari when a truck passed too close and and took his wing mirror off.
"Oh my god he screamed he's ripped my mirror off".
A passing doctor came over and said "You lawyers are so obsessed with your possessions you haven't noticed he's also ripped your arm clean off."
The lawyer look down and screams in greater horror "Oh Godddddd, he's taken my Rolex too"
:crazy:
If I was obsessed with material things I'd be a lawyer.
One such was getting out of his Ferrari when a truck passed too close and and took his wing mirror off.
"Oh my god he screamed he's ripped my mirror off".
A passing doctor came over and said "You lawyers are so obsessed with your possessions you haven't noticed he's also ripped your arm clean off."
The lawyer look down and screams in greater horror "Oh Godddddd, he's taken my Rolex too"
:crazy:
methodistgirl
New member
Good morning Hawk! I don't really have a joke I just wanted to say
good morning everybody.
judy tooley
good morning everybody.
judy tooley
Good morning, Judy. Actually, good evening. It's 9 PM now.
I have a joke.
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to
do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!"
"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies.
"Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."
"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps
with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."
I have a joke.
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to
do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!"
"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies.
"Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."
"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps
with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL @ Mat - quite funny