Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Did you hear about the male stripper who streaked through the old ladies' home? Two of them hand a stroke, but the third couldn't reach ... tish boom.
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
If I was obsessed with material things I'd be a lawyer.
The lawyer look down and screams in greater horror "Oh Godddddd, he's taken my Rolex too"
:crazy:
:clap::clap::clap::clap::lol::lol::lol::lol: Way to go Hawk.
marval
New member
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten..."
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten..."
Hawk Henries
New member
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
__________________
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
__________________
methodistgirl
New member
Hawk, I'm a Kentucky girl. That was funny.:grin:
judy tooley
judy tooley
Hawk Henries
New member
Judy as soon as I posted this I thought of you because you shared the same location with the joke...glad you like it
methodistgirl
New member
I have a funny Indian story that takes place at Chichen Itza when
the Mayan Native Americans lived there. Here goes.
Hey Chief! I heard that Little Big Eagle was causing a big stir in the
neighborhood!
What! You just woke me up you little pest!
Chief, I heard that Little Big Eagle was causing a stir in the neighborhood.
Do you want the guards to check on him?
Just scram before I call my guards! I was enjoying a nap and listening
to the tom tom.
Oh goodie!
After Little Rabbit descends down 100 steps of stairs. The chief gets
up.
GUARDS!
They were all asleep.
Dog gone it!
GUARDS!
One by one they finally woke up rubbing their eyes.
When I call you I want to find you guys wide awake! Is that clear?
Go after Little Rabbit!
After Little went down the stairs so gracefully one of the guards
fell down the stairs knocking the rest of them down like bowling
pins.
Good grief! Skyhawk! Will you go with your two friends after Little
Rabbit?
No Problem Chief! They descended down the 100 stairs gracefully
and captured him with no trouble.
The end!
judy tooley
the Mayan Native Americans lived there. Here goes.
Hey Chief! I heard that Little Big Eagle was causing a big stir in the
neighborhood!
What! You just woke me up you little pest!
Chief, I heard that Little Big Eagle was causing a stir in the neighborhood.
Do you want the guards to check on him?
Just scram before I call my guards! I was enjoying a nap and listening
to the tom tom.
Oh goodie!
After Little Rabbit descends down 100 steps of stairs. The chief gets
up.
GUARDS!
They were all asleep.
Dog gone it!
GUARDS!
One by one they finally woke up rubbing their eyes.
When I call you I want to find you guys wide awake! Is that clear?
Go after Little Rabbit!
After Little went down the stairs so gracefully one of the guards
fell down the stairs knocking the rest of them down like bowling
pins.
Good grief! Skyhawk! Will you go with your two friends after Little
Rabbit?
No Problem Chief! They descended down the 100 stairs gracefully
and captured him with no trouble.
The end!
judy tooley
Hawk Henries
New member
Well I am off to bed. Traveling early in the AM. See you in a few day's.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
When I entered this link on June 11, I thought it was a joke, but no way:
The article down below in Danish states this Japanese car can run 80 kilometers per litre of any kind of water (even salt water from the sea) equals 50 miles to aprox. 1/4 of an American gallon.
It´s the Japanese factory Genepax, which has developed this new very invironmental sound car - the WEX, which leaves no toxin CO2 gasses, only oxygen. The article, which was translated into Danish from the Japanese high-tech paper TechOn.
The car has been tested now for a year. A trip in this car driving a distance of 250 miles at ordinary speed of 50 Mph can be done for less than 1/6 of an American dollar. Though the Japanese factory Genepax stipulates that the price will go even further down, when they come up with an idea how to decrease the space of this new system in the trunk of the car, needed for this system.
Wonder why no one has done this before? It should bring every car owner on the planet an emotion of pure happiness and satisfaction.
Bil kører 80 kilometer på en liter vand
De høje benzinpriser kan være fortid. En ny japansk bil kan køre 80 kilometer med 80 kilometer i timen på blot én liter vand.
Foto: Genepax
Den lille miljøbil WES fra firmaet Genepax har siddeplads til to personer og kan ifølge firmaet køre på alle slags vand – selv havvand kan bruges.
Hvis man vælger postevand som brændstof vil en tur fra Skagen til Padborg ved den dansk-tyske grænse komme til at koste under 20 øre, mens en tur fra København til Århus via Storebælt vil koste 15 øre foruden broafgiften.
Bilen bruger som andre biler ilt fra luften – men den udleder ikke giftige stoffer eller drivhusgasser efter forbrændingen, og luften, der kommer ud af bilen, er mindst lige så ren, som den, der kom ind.
Den første prototype af WES har været i brug i snart et år, og erfaringerne fra modellen har dannet grundlag for en række forbedringer. Blandt andet er et større hjælpe-batteri nu blevet gjort overflødigt. Det skriver den japanske teknik-avis TechOn.
Bilens motor fungerer ved, at en særlig membran splitter vandet op i brint og ilt, og så forbrænder det i en ombygget brændstofcelle. Metoden er indtil videre pladskrævende, og i de første prototyper er bagagerummet da også blevet ofret til fordel for brændselsceller. Metoden forventes dog at blive langt mere effektiv og samtidig billigere, når bilen kommer i produktion.
Danske bilejere kommer dog til at vente i årevis, før de kan undgå besøgene på den lokale benzintank. En række nøglepatenter mangler nemlig endnu at blive godkendt, og før det sker, er udviklingen af bilen sat i frigear.
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intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret :tiphat:
"A distance of 250 miles at an ordinary speed of 50 Mph can be done for less than 1/6 of an American dollar".
I would esteemate any ordinary family, would have much more money on a monthly basis.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
From the competition on: The Most Beautiful Goat :grin::grin:
I am not much into goats in generel, but this competition on The Most Beautiful Goat, must be a joke?
I am not much into goats in generel, but this competition on The Most Beautiful Goat, must be a joke?
marval
New member
A film crew was on location deep in the desert, One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.
A week later the Indian, went up to the director and said "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hail storm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. he told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for a week.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you . What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."
A week later the Indian, went up to the director and said "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hail storm.
"This Indian is incredible," said the director. he told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for a week.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you . What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."
marval
New member
A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead
mule in the church yard
He telephoned the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the
Pastor to the Health Department
They explained, "Since there was no health threat, you'll need to call the
Sanitation Department."
When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the
Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without
authorization from the mayor."
The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very
bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but,
eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor.
The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at
the pastor, the mayor finally said,
"Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his
response.
The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking,
"WELL Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to
notify the next of kin first!"
mule in the church yard
He telephoned the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the
Pastor to the Health Department
They explained, "Since there was no health threat, you'll need to call the
Sanitation Department."
When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the
Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without
authorization from the mayor."
The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very
bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but,
eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor.
The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at
the pastor, the mayor finally said,
"Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"
The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his
response.
The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking,
"WELL Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to
notify the next of kin first!"
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Mistaken Identity
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, when suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After several hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, when suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After several hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.
marval
New member
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."