The Jokes Thread

[Corno Dolce]

About two years ago Hilary Clinton was in Upstate New York at a Mohawk Indian Reservation to receive the Walking Eagle Prize. She was all grins and smiles at the photo-op after the award ceremony. After the photo-op she clambered aboard a Chopper that would take her to the next ceremony. An enterprising journalist stayed on the reservation to query the Indian Chief as to the meaning of the prize. The Chief said: "The reason why its called the Walking Eagle is because the bird is so full of I love this forum that it can't fly."

 

[intet_at_tabe]

About two years ago Hilary Clinton was in Upstate New York at a Mohawk Indian Reservation to receive the Walking Eagle Prize. She was all grins and smiles at the photo-op after the award ceremony. After the photo-op she clambered aboard a Chopper that would take her to the next ceremony. An enterprising journalist stayed on the reservation to query the Indian Chief as to the meaning of the prize. The Chief said: "The reason why its called the Walking Eagle is because the bird is so full of I love this forum that it can't fly."

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[Muza]

About two years ago Hilary Clinton was in Upstate New York at a Mohawk Indian Reservation to receive the Walking Eagle Prize. She was all grins and smiles at the photo-op after the award ceremony. After the photo-op she clambered aboard a Chopper that would take her to the next ceremony. An enterprising journalist stayed on the reservation to query the Indian Chief as to the meaning of the prize. The Chief said: "The reason why its called the Walking Eagle is because the bird is so full of I love this forum that it can't fly."

Very nice, Corno!

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Some late-night jokes:

"Hillary Clinton is ending her campaign, but really in the bigger sense it's sad because, think about it, there goes right down the drain the Clinton dream of a being a two-impeachment family." –David Letterman

"Now that Barack Obama is the Democratic nominee, Americans are going to have to choose between the 46-year-old Obama and the 71-year-old John McCain. That's the choice. In other words, it's a choice between the Hillary-defeater or the Wal-Mart greeter." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, everyone is wondering now if Obama will ask Hillary to be his running mate. Obama actually tried to call her last night, and got her voicemail twice. I guess she only takes calls at 3:00 a.m. It was also probably hard to hear the phone over the sound of over her husband weeping." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Hillary Clinton is still not conceding her campaign, because she says there's still a chance of the vice presidency. In fact, she's going to offer it to Barack one last time." --Jay Leno

"During her speech last night, you know, Hillary kept referring to Barack as 'my friend, my friend.' You notice, every time she called Barack 'my friend,' she said it in the same tone as when she calls Bill, 'my husband.'" --Jay Leno

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've often heard the phrase 'all good things must come to an end.' But very rarely do you hear the phrase that f***ing tedious things must also end. And last night, after the 53rd and 54th episodes of the long-running Bataan Death March to the White House, we finally reached our conclusion [on screen: news coverage of Obama being named the presumptive Dem nominee]. And so it is that Barack Hussein Napoleon Pol Pot Obama now has a chance to become the first African-American president since season 1 of 24 [on screen: photo of Dennis Haysbert playing David Palmer of '24']. Oh, Dennis Haysbert." --Jon Stewart (Watch video clip)

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Applying for a Job at the CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." - "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

 

[marval]

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colours, invented painting
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered trade, invented money
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.

 

[methodistgirl]

Indian story

Little Rabbit-Hey Chief! I heard that Little Big Eagle was causing a big
stir in the neighborhood.

Pakal-WHAT! You just woke me up! You little pest!

Little Rabbit-I heard that Little Big Eagle was causing a stir in the
neighborhood. Do you want the guards to check him out?

Pakal-Just scram before I call my guards. I was enjoying a nap and
listening to the tom tom.

Little Rabbit-Oh goodie!

After Little Rabbit descends down 100 steps of stairs.

Pakal- GUARDS!

They were all asleep.

Pakal-Dog gone it!


Of course Pakal lived in a high rise building in the city!

Pakal-The nerve of that guy waking me up! Guards!

One by one they finally woke up.

Pakal-The next time I find you guys asleep I will have
you to the Gods! Go and patrol this city before the
tall pyramids get burnt to the ground or someone
breaks the law.

Guards- I I chief!
One on his way down fell down 100 steps that Little Rabbit
went down so gracefully like a bowling ball and knocked
the rest of them down like pins!

Pakal-Hey you over there!

Parrot Squawker-Who me?

Pakal-Yes you Parrot Squawker! Will you go and patrol the
village before someone burns down a pyramid?

Parrot Squawker-Sure! I will gather up some more men for
the job.

Pakal-So be it!
judy tooley

 

[Andrew Roussak]

After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to
retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice,
enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the
final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the
test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the
students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand,
took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was
delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke
to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on
the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I
gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded
another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an
additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

 

[marval]

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead centre. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

 

[marval]

HaHa nice joke Andrew.


Margaret

 

[Andrew Roussak]

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead centre. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

Margaret,

I am not sure I can sleep after reading this!!!!!

 

[intet_at_tabe]

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

​

 

[intet_at_tabe]

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[Mat]

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and
his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle,
but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield
wiper. The lawyer picks up the note.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the
accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving
my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

 

[marval]

Good jokes Intet and Mat.

Hope you slept alright Andrew.


Margaret

 

[marval]

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house. "Talking dog for sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" He asks

"Yes I do." the Labrador replies

"So, what's your story?"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

 

[Muza]

Haha i would so buy that dog - I bet its a whole lot smarter than a great deal of people i've heard open their mouth

 

[intet_at_tabe]

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house. "Talking dog for sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" He asks

"Yes I do." the Labrador replies

"So, what's your story?"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the owner says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

Toooooooooooooooooo much Ms. Margaret :clap::clap::clap::clap::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:.

Wondering though, about the dogs we used to have?

 

[marval]

I don't suppose you ever thought to ask them if they could talk.

Try this one.


www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-fEeT6ChQk


Margaret

 

[intet_at_tabe]

I don't suppose you ever thought to ask them if they could talk.

Try this one.


www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-fEeT6ChQk


Margaret

Ms. Margaret :tiphat::clap:, now you´re more than toooooooooooooo much. :lol::lol::lol::lol::trp::trp::trp::trp:

However, we always had a straight on communication me and the dogs, nada problemo. They understood the first time, I repeated the message from other times, when we had some 10-14 guests for dinner (the usual suspects) and I said to the dogs: Please, you can not eat at the table during dinner! Nada problemo. Or I demanded in often very precise sentenses later in the evening: Get out of the bed!! Of course often to dogs difficult to understand, when 50% of the marrige, when I was abroad, did not mind. Of course I did not train them myself. What do we have kids for? But in the end as parents, we are often the ones to do the night trip into the darkness of the night.

I always understood, what they meant telepathicly - without words - when they (2 Irish Setters and a Siberian Huski) in the evening would go to the front door, and I would know they needed to go out. When a man has to go, you know!! Sorry, obviously you can´t.