Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
hrumph!!!
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Due to increasing product liability litigation, beer manufacturers are considering using the FDA's suggestion that the following ten warning labels be placed on all beer containers produced in the United States.
- 1 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spastic monkey.
3 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
4 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.
5 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
6 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical kung-fu powers.
7 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
8 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
9 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named Franz.
10 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
11 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
12 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
13 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
14 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
15 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
marval
New member
TOP 50 OXYMORONS (Figure of speech where two words mean the opposite.)
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Right on Ms. Margaret :tiphat:
I never thought of it this way, thank you!!
"Military intelligence" - AWESOME.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret and Muza dear :tiphat:
Give me number 5: Rap - music (this one is even better than the one I mentioned above).
Rap is not music. Rap is a very direct way in an evil language threatening someone to be raped or killed. I remember when the caucasion white freak in rap MINM a couple of years ago released his song about his former wife or girlfriend. He made headlines on that one.
Or how the African American Snoop Dog and his mad groupies and the band got arrested at Heathrow Airport in England two years ago, drunk as skunks for changing the bar in the welcome hall to a violent war between the staff against him and his group. But then he personally is a big investor in the production of pornography as well, so two ways of the violent behaviour from this - Snoop Dog.
Give me number 5: Rap - music (this one is even better than the one I mentioned above).
Rap is not music. Rap is a very direct way in an evil language threatening someone to be raped or killed. I remember when the caucasion white freak in rap MINM a couple of years ago released his song about his former wife or girlfriend. He made headlines on that one.
Or how the African American Snoop Dog and his mad groupies and the band got arrested at Heathrow Airport in England two years ago, drunk as skunks for changing the bar in the welcome hall to a violent war between the staff against him and his group. But then he personally is a big investor in the production of pornography as well, so two ways of the violent behaviour from this - Snoop Dog.
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intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Hillary Clinton Gets Some Advice Having Won The 2008 Election:
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"
Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"
Ho! I really don't want to do that.
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."...the end.
Have a nice sunny weekend all of you guys and gals at the MIMF!! Remember laughing is the key to a better life!!
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"
Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"
Ho! I really don't want to do that.
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."...the end.
Have a nice sunny weekend all of you guys and gals at the MIMF!! Remember laughing is the key to a better life!!
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
These jokes were not written by yours truely about women:
Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
- If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk - In short:
- So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful...
...WOMEN!
marval
New member
Why are men like floortiles?
If you lay them properly you can walk on them forever.
How can you tell if a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing
How can you tell if a man is lying?
His lips are moving.
Why are men like bottles?
They're all empty from the neck up.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A bar of chocolate.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs while you vacuum.
How do you get a man to do situps?
Put the remote control between his toes
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head
What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A hotdog and a six pack of beer
How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows - we've never seen it done!
Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by
What do men consider foreplay?
Half an hour of begging
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares???
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
If men got pregnant.... Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Why can't women park cars?
Because men tell them this |<------------------>| is six inches.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
If you lay them properly you can walk on them forever.
How can you tell if a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing
How can you tell if a man is lying?
His lips are moving.
Why are men like bottles?
They're all empty from the neck up.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A bar of chocolate.
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs while you vacuum.
How do you get a man to do situps?
Put the remote control between his toes
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head
What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A hotdog and a six pack of beer
How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows - we've never seen it done!
Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by
What do men consider foreplay?
Half an hour of begging
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares???
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
If men got pregnant.... Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Why can't women park cars?
Because men tell them this |<------------------>| is six inches.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
:tiphat::clap::banana::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol: Hilarius Ms. Margaret
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Muza, I'm ALWAYS battling with sex, it's such a trial
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret :tiphat:
Now being a woman, I will forgive you for not being able to comprehend - as a woman - what a nightmare and trial, like CD64
:crazy::grin::smirk:, it can be for a man, who does not believe in himself as a man, if he all the time has to question himself, what to do or probably not do? Or perhaps if he did it, Nada - she will only think?.....Such men never get any real bedside action and if they do it will be playing and sleeping alone.
Women, as the most beautiful, treasureable and desired of all living creatures have to be - like the oldest proverb says: "There is a strong woman behind every man", which incidently mean, any woman is the challence of a lifetime for a real man to comprehend, why we as men are so incredible insecure at times.
Women teach us about love, for without love there is no meaning to life. If you can win the trust and love from a woman, you may conquer the world.
Respectfully,
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intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
lols, we got a little battle of the sexes going on
Muza dear :tiphat::clap::wave::banana::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Of course there could be other important opinions on women in generel, and I have to admit that these below, do somehow challence the opposite opinion. The American actor and life-long alchoholic Mr. W. C. Fields was not all that soaked between the ears, when he wrote this:
WOMEN and MARRIAGE
(NOTE: Fields was a misogynist bitter all his life from his failed marriage).
"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree."
"(A woman) drove me to drink. It is the one thing I'm indebted to her for."
"Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one."
"Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive."
"Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of."
"Ah yes, she's a fine figure of a woman, isn't she? A handsome lass if there ever was one--and exceptionally well-preserved too."
"A plumber's idea of Cleopatra."
"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."
(Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded
"Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails."
"Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty."
"I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad."
(To the question: Do married people live longer?--Fields responded
"No, it just seems longer."
"I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck."
WOMEN and MARRIAGE
(NOTE: Fields was a misogynist bitter all his life from his failed marriage).
"No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree."
"(A woman) drove me to drink. It is the one thing I'm indebted to her for."
"Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one."
"Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive."
"Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of."
"Ah yes, she's a fine figure of a woman, isn't she? A handsome lass if there ever was one--and exceptionally well-preserved too."
"A plumber's idea of Cleopatra."
"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."
(Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded
"Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails."
"Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty."
"I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad."
(To the question: Do married people live longer?--Fields responded
"No, it just seems longer."
"I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck."
