The Jokes Thread

[Mat]

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing
---------------------------------

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man
volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is
put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on
a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it
to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check
the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the
table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the
dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night
off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that
there's just no pleasing some women.

 

[marval]

Very good Mat, I like it.


Margaret

 

[Mat]

Thank you, Margaret. I wonder why...:grin::grin::grin:

Cheers,
Mat:tiphat:

 

[marval]

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.

The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"

The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.

The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".

The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.

The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?"

The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.

The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?"

The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.


Margaret

 

[Mat]

**Top Ten Reasons to Date a Scientist**

10. They can show you what all the buttons on the calculator do.
9. They can tell you exactly how much to tip in a restaruant.
8. No matter how ugly your attire is they'll still think it's "hip".
7. They can perform a concerto in C++ on their keyboard for you.
6. They know all about heat, friction, and gravitational attraction.
5. They can kill all the "bugs" for you.
4. They can tell you everything that is scientifically wrong about the
Star Wars Movies.
3. You are 100 times more interesting than their last conversation with
Bertha/Gilbert, their computer.
2. Two words: they're desperate.
1. They know how to turn on your hard drive.

 

[marval]

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he enquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

Moral of the Story : Women are clever!!!

 

[Mat]

Hi Margaret,
I know this joke. But in my version husband is the driver:grin:

 

[marval]

Ah, I suppose it could be either.


Margaret

 

[Muza]

All great, big laughs at Margaret and Mat

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Mat - AWESOME to both the Olympic condoms and the guy who forgot his wheelchair at the bar. Geez! He really must have been drunk. :tiphat::clap::clap::banana::banana::trp::trp::lol::lol:

 

[intet_at_tabe]

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he enquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."

Moral of the Story : Women are clever!!!

Ms. Margaret :tiphat:

Though you are very honest in this joke about the morals, which also goes to the joke about the fax - It´s very funny!! :clap::clap::clap::clap::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::ut::smash::banghead::nut::alc::scold::lol::lol::lol::lol: It´s a fact of science that the brain of women are bigger than the same muscle of men.

 

[marval]

Some thoughts I have had.


If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

So what's the speed of dark?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

Why do we send cargo by ship, and shipments by car?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?


Margaret

 

[Contratrombone64]

Margaret - droll, very droll.

 

[Muza]

thats some seriously philosophical stuff, Margaret :grin:.

 

[rojo]

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

:lol: I like that one.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

thats some seriously philosophical stuff, Margaret :grin:.

I´ll second you Muza dear :tiphat::clap::banana::trp:....

..... on the philosophical Ms. Margaret.
Not less funny though :clap::clap::clap::clap::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol: "When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?" or "Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?" or "What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?". AWESOME!!

 

[marval]

Some more thoughts from me.


How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work in the mornings?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Margaret

 

[Corno Dolce]

What do they make Foghorns out of?
Ans: Tobin Bronze.

Not only Doctors are in a "Practice" but Architects, Lawyers, and Musicians. They are always in a state of learning, at least they should be.............

The guy manning the snow plough was probably on-call domiciled in a station house, much like a fireman.

Geronimo jumping from a plane: Bombs away or Banzai!!!

 

[marval]

Hi CD

Thank you for that, an interesting piece of information.


Margaret

 

[methodistgirl]

This joke is on myself.

I'm trying to teach myself how to speak spanish and yesterday, I was
at walmart when I picked up a basket of fried chicken and the handle
was a bit hot. So I walked to the cashier yelling, Hot! Hot! Hot!
Caliente! This guy who was passing by me gave me the funniest look
when I said that. He gave me the "What did you say?" look like I was
some nut. I had a good laugh after that. I guess you can imagine.
judy tooley