The Jokes Thread
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marval
New member
[FONT=Verdana,Arial]A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."[/FONT]
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."[/FONT]
methodistgirl
New member
Another country classic for you. A lady got on the bus and had a
child with her and this child was a bit ugly. "Lady what do you have
there? That is the most ugly kid I ever did see." Well it made her
mad. "I have you to know this kid is pretty." She walked three
rows down and another gentleman saw her. "Here are three dollars
to buy the little ape some bananas.":banana:
judy tooley
child with her and this child was a bit ugly. "Lady what do you have
there? That is the most ugly kid I ever did see." Well it made her
mad. "I have you to know this kid is pretty." She walked three
rows down and another gentleman saw her. "Here are three dollars
to buy the little ape some bananas.":banana:
judy tooley
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Judy!!!!!!!!!
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Judy :tiphat: - AWESOME :clap::clap::clap::clap::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret :tiphat: There are two things in my experience, you never ask a Lady - Her age and her size. But I guess you already know Ms. Margaret :clap::clap::clap::clap::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:
marval
New member
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "Alice what are you up to?" Alice smiles, "Im going hunting with you!" Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in a tree and tells her: If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot. Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in a tree and tells her: If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot. Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
methodistgirl
New member
Thank you! What is red and always on the run and never sits down?
Give up? The caboose!:ut:
judy tooley
Give up? The caboose!:ut:
judy tooley
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter, "Is
there a male pharmacist available?"
"No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both
pharmacists. How can we help you?"
The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge
in the front of his pants and says, "Its been like this for 7 days
now, can you give me anything for it?"
"Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister."
Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you $400 cash and
a half interest in the pharmacy."
there a male pharmacist available?"
"No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both
pharmacists. How can we help you?"
The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge
in the front of his pants and says, "Its been like this for 7 days
now, can you give me anything for it?"
"Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister."
Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you $400 cash and
a half interest in the pharmacy."
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
how do you keep a dill in suspense?
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On
the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little
honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate
sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she
once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and
says, "clumsy b*tch".
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On
the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little
honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate
sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she
once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and
says, "clumsy b*tch".
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Margaret - my dill joke is far better said, then when the person looks at you and says "how?" you smile and DON'T answer ... didn't work very well in a written format.
marval
New member
A businessman sends his wife a fax.
To my dear wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you at 54 years can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary in the Comfort Inn Hotel. PLEASE don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dinning-room table.
My dear husband,
I received your fax and thank you for your honesty.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be in the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation.....albeit with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18 - therefore I won't be back before lunchtime tomorrow.
To my dear wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you at 54 years can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary in the Comfort Inn Hotel. PLEASE don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight.
When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dinning-room table.
My dear husband,
I received your fax and thank you for your honesty.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be in the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old.
As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation.....albeit with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18 - therefore I won't be back before lunchtime tomorrow.
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
*Naughty Margaret* 
:smirk::grin:
:smirk::grin:
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells
his wife about the purchase he's just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."
"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.
"Gold of course," says the proud man.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice
if you came second for a change!"
=========================
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat
on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls
home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time
he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells
his wife about the purchase he's just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."
"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.
"Gold of course," says the proud man.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice
if you came second for a change!"
=========================
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat
on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls
home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time
he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
marval
New member
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple went out of the door, the cat shoots back in the house. They don't want the cat shut up in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
The taxi arrives, and as the couple went out of the door, the cat shoots back in the house. They don't want the cat shut up in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"