The Jokes Thread
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marval
New member
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. I promised. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed,) in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem bothered at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said "Well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh bother," cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and broke wind."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. I promised. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed,) in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem bothered at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said "Well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh bother," cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and broke wind."
Last edited:
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL
This girl was ugly. I took her to a plastic surgeon. He added a tail.
---comedian Rodney Dangerfield
This girl was ugly. I took her to a plastic surgeon. He added a tail.
---comedian Rodney Dangerfield
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed . and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then...Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed . and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then...Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
marval
New member
[FONT=Verdana,]A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"[/FONT]
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"[/FONT]
methodistgirl
New member
If you see a "Say no to Crack" sign and it reminds you to pull up your
jeans, you might be a redneck!
-Jeff Foxworthy
judy tooley
jeans, you might be a redneck!
-Jeff Foxworthyjudy tooley
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
JOB DESCRIPTION FOR CATS
BATHROOMS - Always accompany guests to the bath room. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS - Do not allow any closed doors . in any room. To get the door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half-way in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS - If you have to throw up get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it's as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING - If one of your humans is engaged in any activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:
-- when supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
-- for book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book --unless you can lie across the book itself
-- when human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap
across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING - As often as possible...dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human ... especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.
BEDTIME - Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX - When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING - Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you and ... do NOT come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out ... the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often .... And don't forget the guests!
BATHROOMS - Always accompany guests to the bath room. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS - Do not allow any closed doors . in any room. To get the door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half-way in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS - If you have to throw up get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it's as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING - If one of your humans is engaged in any activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:
-- when supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
-- for book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book --unless you can lie across the book itself
-- when human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across
keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap
across arms, hampering typing in progress.
WALKING - As often as possible...dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human ... especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.
BEDTIME - Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
LITTER BOX - When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING - Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you and ... do NOT come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out ... the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often .... And don't forget the guests!
marval
New member
More Purrfect cat humour.
TOP TEN THINGS A CAT THINKS ABOUT...
1. E-Mail flames from some guy named Fluffy."
2. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
3. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.recreational.catnip.
4. Your web browser has a new home page: .
5. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.
6. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."
7. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
8. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
9. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
10. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
TOP TEN THINGS A CAT THINKS ABOUT...
- I could have sworn I heard a can opener.
- Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noises with their mouths?
- Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
- I wonder if Morris really liked 9-lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
- Hmmmm.... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we ever get those STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
- This looks like a good spot for a nap.
- Hey - no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
- Would humans have built a vast and complex civilisation of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place.
- If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
- If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss !!
1. E-Mail flames from some guy named Fluffy."
2. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
3. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.recreational.catnip.
4. Your web browser has a new home page: .
5. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.
6. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."
7. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
8. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
9. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.
10. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Oh Ms. Margaret
I´ve missed your jokes :clap::clap::clap::clap::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:
marval
New member
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered.
A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
marval
New member
These are funny excuses for claiming insurance after an accident.
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
methodistgirl
New member
That was so funny I forgot to laugh!:grin:
judy tooley
judy tooley
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Incredible Ms. Margaret :tiphat:
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again" - AWESOME. Way to go:grin:
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished".
One can almost visualise the poor insurance agent reading this and think - Is this guy for real? What does he take us for? Imbecils?
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him".:grin:
Man hunt on a lonely road - Awesome Ms. Margaret, thank you:grin::crazy:
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again" - AWESOME. Way to go
:grin:"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished".
One can almost visualise the poor insurance agent reading this and think - Is this guy for real? What does he take us for? Imbecils?
"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him".
:grin:Man hunt on a lonely road - Awesome Ms. Margaret, thank you
:grin::crazy:
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret.
Excactly. I read these stories to be true stories fist hand, knowing what incredibly stupid explanations people in generel have trying to cheet the insurance companies for money or the Police when driving under the influence of alcohol, drugs et.etc.
:crazy:There is not one single excuse in the book of known excuses the insurance people have not heard a million times before.
:crazy::grin:
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
marval
New member
Tall Stories.
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the Poison Control Center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away.
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
Drug Possession Defendant, Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrent because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said
Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and
laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
A man 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. The man gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested him because information on the screen showed he was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a woman new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. (wait for it........ remember, this is supposed to be true.......) Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
A massage parlor had opened down the road from a church and the locals were outraged. The massage company had paid the church to place leaflets advertising their business in the church. The catch-line was "Play before you pray..."
Master at Arms is conducting a drug awareness course for Navy Officers. Gets to the Marijuana unit. Starts the unit by passing around a cigar box. Tells the officers to crack it open, take a sniff, then look to see what it is, so they'll recognize the scent if the smell it in their divisional spaces. There are three joints in the box when he starts to pass it around. At the end, he finds only two in it. "Ha, ha, very funny. Now, I'm going to pass the box back around, put the damned thing back." Box whips around the class, now there's only one joint in it. "Okay, now I'm getting ticked" he says. Has everyone put their heads down on the desk, and pass the box around, so no one will see who has the joint. Comes back with two joints. Now the instructor is really annoyed. Makes everyone go out in the hall. "Okay, one at a time, you will enter the classroom, walk to the cigar box, open it, and shut it. I hope that whoever has the controlled substance puts it all back in the box, because the next step is to go down the hall where they train drug dogs, and whoever has it will be processed for possession!" Next time the instructor checked, there were five joints in the box...
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the Poison Control Center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away.
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
Drug Possession Defendant, Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrent because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said
Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and
laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.
A man 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. The man gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested him because information on the screen showed he was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a woman new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. (wait for it........ remember, this is supposed to be true.......) Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
A massage parlor had opened down the road from a church and the locals were outraged. The massage company had paid the church to place leaflets advertising their business in the church. The catch-line was "Play before you pray..."
Master at Arms is conducting a drug awareness course for Navy Officers. Gets to the Marijuana unit. Starts the unit by passing around a cigar box. Tells the officers to crack it open, take a sniff, then look to see what it is, so they'll recognize the scent if the smell it in their divisional spaces. There are three joints in the box when he starts to pass it around. At the end, he finds only two in it. "Ha, ha, very funny. Now, I'm going to pass the box back around, put the damned thing back." Box whips around the class, now there's only one joint in it. "Okay, now I'm getting ticked" he says. Has everyone put their heads down on the desk, and pass the box around, so no one will see who has the joint. Comes back with two joints. Now the instructor is really annoyed. Makes everyone go out in the hall. "Okay, one at a time, you will enter the classroom, walk to the cigar box, open it, and shut it. I hope that whoever has the controlled substance puts it all back in the box, because the next step is to go down the hall where they train drug dogs, and whoever has it will be processed for possession!" Next time the instructor checked, there were five joints in the box...