The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
methodistgirl
New member
One sunday a preacher stood up to preach and just as he was to
talk about the time when Moses got his people out of Egypt. But before
the organist left the organ bench she pullled out of a hanky and blew
her nose. So just before the preacher started his sermon he said,
Thank you for such a fine job! I like that last note!"
ray::nut::lol::grin:
judy tooley
talk about the time when Moses got his people out of Egypt. But before
the organist left the organ bench she pullled out of a hanky and blew
her nose. So just before the preacher started his sermon he said,
Thank you for such a fine job! I like that last note!"
ray::nut::lol::grin:judy tooley
Ventriliquist cowboy walks into town and sees Indian sitting on his porch.
Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Indian: Dog no talk.
Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?
Dog: Doin alright.
Indian: [extreme look of shock]
Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]
Dog: Yep
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me
to the lake once a week to play.
Indian: [look of disbelief]
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Indian: Horse no talk.
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: Cool.
Indian: [extremer look of shock]
Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]
Horse: Yep
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Indian: [total look of amazement]
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Indian: Sheep Lie!!
Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Indian: Dog no talk.
Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?
Dog: Doin alright.
Indian: [extreme look of shock]
Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]
Dog: Yep
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me
to the lake once a week to play.
Indian: [look of disbelief]
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Indian: Horse no talk.
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?
Horse: Cool.
Indian: [extremer look of shock]
Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]
Horse: Yep
Cowboy: How's he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Indian: [total look of amazement]
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Indian: Sheep Lie!!
marval
New member
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
Older woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma'am you were speeding
Older woman: Oh, I see
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one
Officer: Don't have one?
Older woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drink driving
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Older woman: I can't do that
Officer: Why not?
Older woman: I stole this car
Officer: Stole it?
Older woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner
Officer: You what?
Older woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner
Older woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, Ma'am?
Older woman: Yes, here are the registration papers
The officer is quite stunned
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner
Older woman: bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Older woman: Is there a problem, officer?
Officer: Ma'am you were speeding
Older woman: Oh, I see
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one
Officer: Don't have one?
Older woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drink driving
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Older woman: I can't do that
Officer: Why not?
Older woman: I stole this car
Officer: Stole it?
Older woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner
Officer: You what?
Older woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner
Older woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, Ma'am?
Older woman: Yes, here are the registration papers
The officer is quite stunned
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner
Older woman: bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
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intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret:
Way to go :tiphat::clap::banana::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:. Older woman: bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. :tiphat::clap::banana::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Way to go :tiphat::clap::banana::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:. Older woman: bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. :tiphat::clap::banana::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Last edited:
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
One sunday a preacher stood up to preach and just as he was to
talk about the time when Moses got his people out of Egypt. But before
the organist left the organ bench she pullled out of a hanky and blew
her nose. So just before the preacher started his sermon he said,
Thank you for such a fine job! I like that last note!"
judy tooley
Ms. Judy :tiphat::tiphat::clap::clap::banana::banana::trp::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Mat buddy, keep it up!!
Poor indian :tiphat::tiphat::clap::clap::scold::scold::banana::banana::trp::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Poor indian :tiphat::tiphat::clap::clap::scold::scold::banana::banana::trp::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:
marval
New member
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Quiz master: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - £500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million pounds if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to £32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Quiz master: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million pounds."
"I think I know who it is...but I'm not 100% sure
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend, just to be sure.
Quiz master: "Yes, Barbara, who do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Quiz master: "Hello Maggie, its the quiz master here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on £500,000, but needs your help to win a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 is the correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think so?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Quiz master: "Well, do you want to stick on £500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Quiz master: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Quiz master: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Quiz master: "Barbara.....you had £500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION POUNDS.
Here is your cheque. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Quiz master: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - £500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million pounds if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to £32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Quiz master: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million pounds."
"I think I know who it is...but I'm not 100% sure
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend, just to be sure.
Quiz master: "Yes, Barbara, who do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Quiz master: "Hello Maggie, its the quiz master here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on £500,000, but needs your help to win a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 is the correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think so?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Quiz master: "Well, do you want to stick on £500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Quiz master: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Quiz master: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Quiz master: "Barbara.....you had £500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION POUNDS.
Here is your cheque. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Oh Margaret that is priceless!!
methodistgirl
New member
Once there was this huge church that had three organs in three different
sizes. The largest and middle sized was a pipe organ and the least one
was a hammond. One sunday all three organs were going but each was
playing a different song which sounded more like a racket than music.
Bothered by all the music with three songs at the same time the preacher
was annoyed. After they got through playing he looked at the one playing
the huge pipe organ and said "What are you playing?" the organist replied,
"Bach sir." He looked at the one at the smaller pipe organ and asked, "Now
what do you call what you were playing?" The organist said," I was playing
the doxology." The preacher looked at the hammond player and said,"What
are you playing?" This organist was still playing and sang "Oh when the
saints, go marching in. When the saints go marching in. Lord I want to
be in that number, when the saints go marching in." about that time
the preacher looked at the least one and smiled when the song was over.
The congregation roared with laughter. The preacher spoke up again and
said," Now I want for everybody to play the same. About that the music
started up again all mixed up. With his face as red as the sash around
his neck, the preacher yelled. "Stop the noise! You need to play the
same thing! "We did," they all replied. "Okay just you I like that one,"
said the preacher in his beautiful blue robe. The other two got up.
"What is the matter?" said the preacher. "I quit! I quit too!" The least
one begged. "Don't quit! I need your help. Let's do it this way, when
I get finished then the other starts then after that the biggest organ
gets to finish. Okay?" Well they all agreed. The preacher didn't get
to preach his sermon because the music took up three hours.
He finally got up and said,"Well folks I guess that's that. We had a
concert instead. The the lady at the smallest one got up and the
bench made a noise. "I liked when the Saints go marching in but I
didn't like that last note." You will figure it out.
judy tooley
sizes. The largest and middle sized was a pipe organ and the least one
was a hammond. One sunday all three organs were going but each was
playing a different song which sounded more like a racket than music.
Bothered by all the music with three songs at the same time the preacher
was annoyed. After they got through playing he looked at the one playing
the huge pipe organ and said "What are you playing?" the organist replied,
"Bach sir." He looked at the one at the smaller pipe organ and asked, "Now
what do you call what you were playing?" The organist said," I was playing
the doxology." The preacher looked at the hammond player and said,"What
are you playing?" This organist was still playing and sang "Oh when the
saints, go marching in. When the saints go marching in. Lord I want to
be in that number, when the saints go marching in." about that time
the preacher looked at the least one and smiled when the song was over.
The congregation roared with laughter. The preacher spoke up again and
said," Now I want for everybody to play the same. About that the music
started up again all mixed up. With his face as red as the sash around
his neck, the preacher yelled. "Stop the noise!
You need to play thesame thing! "We did," they all replied. "Okay just you I like that one,"
said the preacher in his beautiful blue robe. The other two got up.
"What is the matter?" said the preacher. "I quit! I quit too!" The least
one begged. "Don't quit! I need your help. Let's do it this way, when
I get finished then the other starts then after that the biggest organ
gets to finish. Okay?" Well they all agreed. The preacher didn't get
to preach his sermon because the music took up three hours.
He finally got up and said,"Well folks I guess that's that. We had a
concert instead. The the lady at the smallest one got up and the
bench made a noise. "I liked when the Saints go marching in but I
didn't like that last note." You will figure it out.
judy tooley
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire :tiphat::tiphat::clap::clap::trp::trp::banana::banana::lol::lol::lol::lol: Ms. Margaret you´re rockin´ - I guess you´re not a blond? It was like being there in the studio among the audience, perfect repetition controled by the Quis master.
Duce point :tiphat::tiphat::clap::clap::trp::trp::banana::banana::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Duce point :tiphat::tiphat::clap::clap::trp::trp::banana::banana::lol::lol::lol::lol:
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most
difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
Well, you know how she is.
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that
she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and
you begged me not to marry her.
"You were perfectly right.
"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most
difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.
Well, you know how she is.
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that
she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and
you begged me not to marry her.
"You were perfectly right.
"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the
telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
marval
New member
From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
WE got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
WE got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
From A Mother With Love
Ms. Margaret
Always a joy to hear from the old neighbourhood, especially from the most possitive loving Mom
:clap::clap::clap::clap::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol: The kind of letter from home which really make you happy, you decided to leave.
Ms. Margaret
Always a joy to hear from the old neighbourhood, especially from the most possitive loving Mom
:clap::clap::clap::clap::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol: The kind of letter from home which really make you happy, you decided to leave.
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque"
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Fido. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Fido!"
See, some men just don't listen ...
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque"
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Fido. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Fido!"
See, some men just don't listen ...
marval
New member
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL @ margaret!