The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Wow, CT64 - some men just don´t listen :clap::clap::clap::clap::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::smash::banghead::scold::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: AWESOME - Duce point!!! You have definitely entered the highly quallyfied group of the bunch.
methodistgirl
New member
Intet, you and Ct. both are cracking me up!:grin::grin::lol::lol::bawl::grin::shake:
:lol:
judy tooley
:lol:judy tooley
marval
New member
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL @ Margaret
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
"The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." LMAO
Never reveil too much, that´s the trick. AWESOME Ms. Margaret :clap::clap::clap::clap::trp::trp::trp::trp::banana::banana::banana::banana::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::lol::lol::lol::lol: I believe this joke top the list so far of awesomely funny jokes. This one, I will demand myself to remember.
Multo gracias Ms. Margaret - Duce point!!!
Never reveil too much, that´s the trick. AWESOME Ms. Margaret :clap::clap::clap::clap::trp::trp::trp::trp::banana::banana::banana::banana::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::lol::lol::lol::lol: I believe this joke top the list so far of awesomely funny jokes. This one, I will demand myself to remember.
Multo gracias Ms. Margaret - Duce point!!!
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Mat
NO!!! :grin::grin::grin::grin:
NO!!! :grin::grin::grin::grin:
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he
set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the
farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful
daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I
wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do
with your broken leg?!?!?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me
what she meant, I fell off the roof
set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the
farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful
daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I
wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do
with your broken leg?!?!?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me
what she meant, I fell off the roof
marval
New member
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
methodistgirl
New member
If you go to Wal mart to buy your next guitar, you might be a redneck.
Or, if you go to Lowes to get piping for your next pipe organ construction
job, you might be a redneck.:grin::smirk::ut:
judy tooley
Or, if you go to Lowes to get piping for your next pipe organ construction
job, you might be a redneck.:grin::smirk:
:ut:judy tooley
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret cooking :tiphat:
At times, it´s difficult to be a gentleman:
"Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
AWESOME :clap::clap::clap::clap::banana::banana::banana::banana::smash::smash::smash::smash::ut::ut::ut::ut::lol::lol::lol::lol:
At times, it´s difficult to be a gentleman:
"Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
AWESOME :clap::clap::clap::clap::banana::banana::banana::banana::smash::smash::smash::smash::ut::ut::ut::ut::lol::lol::lol::lol:
marval
New member
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a police car with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on the corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again....
"I SAID, lets get off that corner.....NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"pretty good," chuckled his partner, "especially since this is a bus stop."
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on the corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again....
"I SAID, lets get off that corner.....NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"pretty good," chuckled his partner, "especially since this is a bus stop."
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof. :clap::clap::clap::clap::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol: Keep `em coming Mat.
marval
New member
There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own.
But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbour.
So he explained to his neighbour that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.
But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as there didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.
Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand why he couldn't touch the gorilla, until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.
He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went crazy and started to jump around, then it turned and began running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behind him.
He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.
He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.
The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.
The gorilla!
It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked straight into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.
The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand, touched him on the shoulder and said.... “got you, now it's your turn to catch me."
But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbour.
So he explained to his neighbour that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.
But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as there didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.
Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand why he couldn't touch the gorilla, until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.
He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went crazy and started to jump around, then it turned and began running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behind him.
He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.
He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.
The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.
The gorilla!
It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked straight into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.
The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand, touched him on the shoulder and said.... “got you, now it's your turn to catch me."
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methodistgirl
New member
That was a good story.
judy tooley
judy tooley