The Jokes Thread

[intet_at_tabe]

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to​

Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way.
We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest
spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT
now! I won it, and I want it."
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a
million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I
WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20​

million right now THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!"​

Mat - AWESOME:scold::scold::scold::scold:"Then I want my Dollar back". Right, he is reasonable, if he can´t have it his own way, then not at all. Very clever guy this redneck :clap::clap::clap::clap::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::banana::banana::banana::banana::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[Muza]

So, I knew this as a joke, but as I learned on my recent trip to London, it was an actual thing that happened to Churchill.

He used to drink very heavily and one night he was so drunk that he tripped an fell down. Not able to get up, he just kept laying there, while some woman was passing by. "Sir! You are drunk!!!" exclaimed she. "Oh yeah? And you are ugly. And I will be sober tomorrow!"

 

[Mat]

What kind of clothes are there?


Women: clean & dirty


Men: Clean, almost clean, sorta clean, not bad, dirty, really dirty, nasty,
biohazzard. (Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification of
these clothes).

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Thanks for your honesty Mat - However speak for yourself :clap::clap::clap::clap::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::banana::banana::banana::banana::smash::smash::smash::smash::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[intet_at_tabe]

So, I knew this as a joke, but as I learned on my recent trip to London, it was an actual thing that happened to Churchill.

He used to drink very heavily and one night he was so drunk that he tripped an fell down. Not able to get up, he just kept laying there, while some woman was passing by. "Sir! You are drunk!!!" exclaimed she. "Oh yeah? And you are ugly. And I will be sober tomorrow!"

Muza dear

I am sure if you go to the library and find some of the all american professional drunk in the movies Mr. W. C. Fields, you´ll find that this joke was originated by Mr. Fields in 1921 talking to his wife and mother in law:

"Tomorrow I´ll be sober, but you two will still be ugly".

 

[Mat]

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the
front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he
says. "That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and s*rew?
I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a
quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to s*rew;
she'll s*rew all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for
the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes
later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and
announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house,
slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!"

 

[Muza]

Dear Intet,

I will take your word for it

 

[Mat]

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.
She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully
and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing
what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again,
she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male
parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes
one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she
caught you at it, too."

 

[marval]

Hi Muza

It was the politician Bessie Braddock, Who said Churchill was drunk, and he gave that famous reply.

Also the politician Nancy Astor said, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your coffee." Churchill replied, "And if I were your husband, I would drink it."

 

[marval]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airbone.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot. "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off."

 

[Mat]

Yeah, I knew that one. But still a good humor.


Mat

 

[marval]

Nine things dogs don't understand.


1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3am

2. It's wrong to back grandma into a corner and guard her

3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's wet

4. The cats have every right to be in the living room

5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid

6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk

7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can

8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you
NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once

9. No, it's my food.....Oh alright then, just a small piece.

 

[Mat]

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde
replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm
not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the
co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her
to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm
not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how
to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to
her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told
her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Mat, you´re killing me on an early Easter sunday morning.

You´re realy at your highest level of standup performance here :

"Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York". ROTFWL - Awesome Mat!! Hip Hip :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Well, should anyone of you mimfers ever have had any doubts that blondes are unique, because they are blondes? Think again. The honesty about blondes in Mat´s joke shine on......Mat - More, more, more.....

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Ms. Margaret - Right you are :tiphat::clap::banana::wave::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol:

How in the name of Mozart (the dog), did I reach at the conclusion earlier on that you Ms. Margaret had no idea of the incredible cleverness of dogs?

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Hi Muza

It was the politician Bessie Braddock, Who said Churchill was drunk, and he gave that famous reply.

Also the politician Nancy Astor said, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your coffee." Churchill replied, "And if I were your husband, I would drink it."

Churchill did not become the Prime Minister of England for nothing, though he did not mind lots and lots of alcoholic drinks and cigars, neither.

 

[marval]

Hi Intet

I didn't know Mozart was a dog, wow all that beautiful music written in woof. (HaHa)

Yes Churchill like his drink and cigars, here's another quote he said.

"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us, cats look down on us, pigs treat us as equals."

 

[marval]

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.

A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens, for the second lot had also died.

"But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot, "I think I'm planting them too deep."

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Hi Intet

I didn't know Mozart was a dog, wow all that beautiful music written in woof. (HaHa)

Yes Churchill like his drink and cigars, here's another quote he said.

"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us, cats look down on us, pigs treat us as equals."

Thanks Ms. Margaret :tiphat:

I´ve never heard this quote from Churchill, who was realy an amasing guy. So even if not all his time as the Prime Minister was succesful, he will always be remembered for pulling England up by it´s roots, it´s history and pull every brite together as a nation in those past evil years.

Also, I know he was not an easy man to negociate with, not among anyone in politics. Most people never realised until it was too late that he, despite his drinking and the cigars had a brilliant brain in political matters, and he was a great leader as well. Too often these days IMHO forgotten for this ability to unite Britten.

So from the quote of Churchill, you move directly to pigs in generel for the joke below about the idiot. Right, don´t worry I´ll follow you in thick and thin.

Wonder how many other species of animals, this idiot might have planted? AWESOME Ms. Margaret :lol::lol::lol::lol::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::clap::clap::clap::clap:

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Hi Intet

I didn't know Mozart was a dog, wow all that beautiful music written in woof. (HaHa)

Yes Churchill like his drink and cigars, here's another quote he said.

"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us, cats look down on us, pigs treat us as equals."

Sorry Ms. Margaret

Obviously not Mozart (the movie dog) but Bethoven it should have said.