The Jokes Thread

[Andrew Roussak]

A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was
assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She

was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to
her
desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't
want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be
FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've

got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things
out
for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked

loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand
in
line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed
through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE

IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate."
With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "Sock It To Me
you!"

Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have

to stand in line for that too!"

 

[marval]

Hi Andrew,

Nice joke, you can just imagining it happening.


Margaret

 

[marval]

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother, you don't understand."
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price."

"Well the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" Says her mum.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket...What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother when I went to fix it. I looked at the directions on the package and it said
Prepare from a frozen state, so I flew to Alaska."

 

[Contratrombone64]

A man goes to see his doctor. He says: "Gosh, I wake up some morning and I feel like a tepee other mornings I feel like a wigwam ..." "I just don't know what's the matter, doc!" His doctor thinks for a while and then says "You know, I think you're two tents".

 

[marval]

HaHa Ct64

Margaret

 

[marval]

During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in her arms.

When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related articles.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed...

"And all these years I've been chewing gum."

 

[Mat]

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving
very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled
the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that
evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads
stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then
there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these
mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'
those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I
had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye
know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for
later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he
located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for
inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you
to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

 

[marval]

I was looking at the news on the internet and found this little article

Odd title honour for self-help book.

A self-help manual entitled "If you want closure in your relationship, start with your legs," has scooped the Oddest Book Title of the year award.

The manual described as a self-help book, written by a man for the benefit of women." beat "I was tortured by a Pigmy Love Queen" into second place.

"Cheese problens solved," took third place in the poll, voted for with a record 8,500 votes online.


Maragret

 

[marval]

Dave, an engineer, was walking on a sidewalk one afternoon when his buddy Harry, also an engineer, pulls alonside him, riding a brand-new Harley-Davidson motorcycle. "Wow," said Dave, "Where did you get that?"

Harry said, "you'll never believe this. I was walking home last night when this woman rides up to me on this Harley. She stops, gets off the bike, removes her blouse, skirt, underwear and shoes, and says, You can have anything you want."

And Dave said, "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

 

[Andrew Roussak]

Dave, an engineer, was walking on a sidewalk one afternoon when his buddy Harry, also an engineer, pulls alonside him, riding a brand-new Harley-Davidson motorcycle. "Wow," said Dave, "Where did you get that?"

Harry said, "you'll never believe this. I was walking home last night when this woman rides up to me on this Harley. She stops, gets off the bike, removes her blouse, skirt, underwear and shoes, and says, You can have anything you want."

And Dave said, "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

This one was GREAT!!!!!!

 

[Contratrombone64]

lmfao @ margaret!! that's a classic

 

[marval]

[FONT=Verdana,]Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"274" was his reply. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"Tuesday" replies the second man. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana,]"Nine" says the third man. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana,]"Well, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."[/FONT]

 

[Mat]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or
leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope
offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the
Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope
won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise Rabbi Moishe to
represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and the
Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a
full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi
Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope
said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only
one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him
that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show
that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to
show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind
me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe "How did
you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three
days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that
the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying
right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

 

[marval]

A carpet layer had just finished installing a carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

 

[Mat]

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache'
and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

 

[methodistgirl]

At a wednesday night meeting, the tables were ready, the food was on
display buffet style and the preacher finally shows up to give the blessing.
While he was praying some let out a big sneeze saying OH !@#%!
Of course the preacher's face turned red. But he kept on and after
the amen he looked at the guy and said "If any of you need repentance
please come to me now!" then cracked up with laughter.
judy tooley

 

[intet_at_tabe]

A man goes to see his doctor. He says: "Gosh, I wake up some morning and I feel like a tepee other mornings I feel like a wigwam ..." "I just don't know what's the matter, doc!" His doctor thinks for a while and then says "You know, I think you're two tents".

CT64

AWESOME :tiphat::clap::banana::trp::lol::lol:

 

[intet_at_tabe]

A carpet layer had just finished installing a carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

:tiphat::clap::trp::banana::lol::lol: Ms. Rear Admiral Appassionata Margaret

 

[marval]

Thank Intet

Now I am a Rear Admiral, here is a navy joke.


Margaret

 

[marval]

The old Chief Bosun noticed a new apprentice seaman one day and and barked at him to come to attention.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the Chief asked the youngster.
"John," the seaman replied.

The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my crewmen by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'Sir.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Sir!"

"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The seaman recruit sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, Sir!"

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."​