Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
margaret - that's hilarious - glad on a daily basis I'm not blonde ...
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Actually it´s not to be funny CT64 using the cartoons, you should know. It´s only for making my entry short and admirable. I can give you one or two, if you´re realy jealous? :clap::clap::banana::banana::lol::lol::tiphat::tiphat::trp::trp: This was for the story of yours from Ireland. Happy now?
marval
New member
Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL @ marval
This is really old one.
The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were
down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could
get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a
hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first
man, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say
regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this
room and kill your wife". A look of shock comes over the man's
face. He says, "I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. I
guess I'm not the man for this job". "No, you're not", agree
the agents, "You're free to go".
They bring the second man to the door and say, "We need to know
that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.
Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". The man
takes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent and
after five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming down
his face. "I tried," he says, "but I just couldn't do it. I can't
kill my wife". The agents let him leave.
They bring the woman to the door and say, "We need to know that
you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take
this gun, go into this room and kill your husband". She takes the
gun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13
rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for the
next five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. The
door finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looks
at both agents, wipes her brow and says, "Whew! You guys didn't
tell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him to
death with the chair!"
The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were
down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could
get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a
hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first
man, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say
regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this
room and kill your wife". A look of shock comes over the man's
face. He says, "I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. I
guess I'm not the man for this job". "No, you're not", agree
the agents, "You're free to go".
They bring the second man to the door and say, "We need to know
that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.
Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". The man
takes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent and
after five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming down
his face. "I tried," he says, "but I just couldn't do it. I can't
kill my wife". The agents let him leave.
They bring the woman to the door and say, "We need to know that
you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take
this gun, go into this room and kill your husband". She takes the
gun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13
rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for the
next five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. The
door finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looks
at both agents, wipes her brow and says, "Whew! You guys didn't
tell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him to
death with the chair!"
marval
New member
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taugh positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst: E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taugh positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
methodistgirl
New member
What did the ponsetta say to the shamrock? Why are you asleep?
The shamrock replied "I go to sleep when night falls because that
is my nature. Why are you always awake?"
the ponsetta said "I never sleep. I just stand like a little tree and
look pretty."
The Shamrock said to the ponsetta,"Good night party animal!"
judy tooley
The shamrock replied "I go to sleep when night falls because that
is my nature. Why are you always awake?"
the ponsetta said "I never sleep. I just stand like a little tree and
look pretty."
The Shamrock said to the ponsetta,"Good night party animal!"
judy tooley
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Mat :tiphat:
AWESOME, and then they say women and mothers are less violent than men :lol::lol::lol::lol::trp::trp::trp::trp::banana::banana::banana::banana::clap::clap::clap::clap
uce point.
AWESOME, and then they say women and mothers are less violent than men :lol::lol::lol::lol::trp::trp::trp::trp::banana::banana::banana::banana::clap::clap::clap::clap
uce point.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Way to Gogh, Ms. Margaret :lol::lol::lol::lol::trp::trp::trp::trp::banana::banana::banana::banana::clap::clap::clap::clap:
marval
New member
The slave driver of the Roman ship stared down at his slaves and yelled, "I've got good news and bad news."
"The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."
The mumbling of the happy slaves was interrupted by the bellowing of the slave driver.
"The bad news is that the commander's son wants to water ski."
"The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."
The mumbling of the happy slaves was interrupted by the bellowing of the slave driver.
"The bad news is that the commander's son wants to water ski."
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to
Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way.
We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest
spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT
now! I won it, and I want it."
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a
million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I
WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20
million right now THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!"
Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way.
We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest
spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT
now! I won it, and I want it."
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a
million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I
WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20
million right now THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!"
marval
New member
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what,sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried. "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is you're hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
"Guess what,sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried. "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is you're hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother
Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring
about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their
habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the
nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each
other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,
they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring
about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their
habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the
nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each
other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,
they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL @ Mat - that is outRAGeous!!
marval
New member
A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died.
Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water.
Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert.
"Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire need of some water."
"Well", said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy one of these fine ties?"
"What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked. "That's what I'm selling sir, if you don't like it, I can't help you."
The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun.
His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway.
As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed.
The doorman stopped him before he entered.
"Excuse me sir," the doorman said, "But you can't come in here without a tie!"
Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water.
Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert.
"Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm in dire need of some water."
"Well", said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would you like to buy one of these fine ties?"
"What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked. "That's what I'm selling sir, if you don't like it, I can't help you."
The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun.
His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway.
As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed.
The doorman stopped him before he entered.
"Excuse me sir," the doorman said, "But you can't come in here without a tie!"
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Margaret your jokes are getting more and more sombre, love it!!
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::banana::banana::banana::banana::clap::clap::clap::clap:
That last one reminded me of the american actor Jack Nicholson in the movie "As Good As It Gets". AWESOME.
So what we can learn from this is, always wear a tie if you you happen to get lost in the desert, with a camel or not. You never know, when the next restaurent will appear.
That last one reminded me of the american actor Jack Nicholson in the movie "As Good As It Gets". AWESOME.
So what we can learn from this is, always wear a tie if you you happen to get lost in the desert, with a camel or not. You never know, when the next restaurent will appear.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
There´s paddling and then paddling for a heart attack, but then slaves are slaves, and we can´t have they get too fat and lazy. :clap::clap::clap::clap::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::lol::lol::lol: This is not a drill!! :lol: Duce point Ms. Margaret
Last edited: