The Jokes Thread

Mat

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's
have another round to
Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's
have another drink to
Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you
go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's
and I graduated in '62,
too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going
on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk
again."
 
marval

marval

New member
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car, and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's licence. She dug through her bag and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" She finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying.

"Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop."
 
intet_at_tabe

intet_at_tabe

Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Ms. Margaret LMAO :lol::lol::lol::lol::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::tiphat::tiphat::clap::clap::nut::nut: Who suggested blondes were more stupid than non blondes?
 
intet_at_tabe

intet_at_tabe

Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Mat! The last one about the O´Mally twins: LMAO :grin::grin::grin::grin::lol::lol::lol::lol::trp::trp::banana::banana::tiphat::tiphat::clap::clap:
 
marval

marval

New member
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail, and I'll lose my licence."

The lady then reached into her bag and pulled out a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
Mat

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
Ha ha. Good one, Margaret.


A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough
examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad
news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS?" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS,
gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What
are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and
pizza." "Is that going to help me?" says the man. "No" says the doctor.
"But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"
 
marval

marval

New member
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.

She cought the man in the act of robbing her home of it's valuables and yelled "stop! Acts 2:38 (repent and be baptised, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell the scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38's."
 
intet_at_tabe

intet_at_tabe

Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
marval said:
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail, and I'll lose my licence."

The lady then reached into her bag and pulled out a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol::lol::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::clap::clap::clap::clap:Duce point!!
 
intet_at_tabe

intet_at_tabe

Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Mat said:
Ha ha. Good one, Margaret.


A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough
examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad
news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS?" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS,
gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What
are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and
pizza." "Is that going to help me?" says the man. "No" says the doctor.
"But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"
Click to expand...

AWESOME Mat - :lol::lol::lol::lol::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::clap::clap::clap::clap: What can we all learn from this? Male contageous deceases have to be handled carefully :D (LOL).
 
intet_at_tabe

intet_at_tabe

Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
marval said:
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.

She cought the man in the act of robbing her home of it's valuables and yelled "stop! Acts 2:38 (repent and be baptised, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell the scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38's."
Click to expand...

:lol::lol::lol::lol::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::clap::clap::clap::clap:
 
Contratrombone64

Contratrombone64

Admiral of Fugues
This is not technically speaking a joke, rather a funny anecdote.

A friend of mine had been travelling Europe and ended up in Ireland (as you do). He was telling me how he and his wife drove through Southern Ireland and got to the place where they were to stay, which was on a farm house. The driveway that led from the road to the farmhouse was long, really long. When Peter arrived he innocently said to the Irish man (farmhouse owner) "My, that's a really long driveway, isn't it?". The owner said (in true Irish fashion) "Well of course it is! It wouldn't reach the house it it were any shorter, now, would it ... ?" I laughed. Gotta love the Irish, they look on the world with charming and different perspective.
 
Mat

Mat

Sr. Regulator
Staff member
Sr. Regulator
Regulator
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He
stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way
up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear
end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken
glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he
didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing,
he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure
enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to
bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting,
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good
story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you
go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this
morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
 
marval

marval

New member
A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.."I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was begining to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
 
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