The Jokes Thread

[intet_at_tabe]

Thank you Intet

I await your money in the post (HaHa)


Margaret

Dear Ms. Margaret

I particularly enjoyed the "PLEASE NO CHILDREN AS PAYMENTS. THEY WILL BE RETURNED".

When one is experienced in those unselfish samaritan matters, like yourself, I guess you would know from earlier attempts :lol::lol::lol::lol::banana::banana::banana::banana::clap::clap::clap::clap:

 

[marval]

Well Intet

I used to look after children, but as I never had any of my own, there was always the choice of giving them back.


Margaret

 

[marval]

Exercise is good for you.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we haven't a clue where she is.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 pounds. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put then further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Exercise is good for you.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we haven't a clue where she is.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 pounds. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put then further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

:lol::lol::lol::lol::trp::trp::trp::trp::clap::clap::clap::clap:Well folks, that´s it for joggin´and physical exercise.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Well Intet

I used to look after children, but as I never had any of my own, there was always the choice of giving them back.


Margaret

Exactly my own and the living philosophy of the departured Mr. drunk-on-all-american-films W. C. Fields: Children, dogs, mother-in-law´s may be seen, but never heard off. Or more detailed: Go now and play on the highway!! :grin::grin::grin::grin:.

But then Ms. Margaret, you´ve been blessed with a very long everlasting love in your marriage.

 

[Mat]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his
tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that
such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men
were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here
lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the
tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

 

[marval]

A "Dear John" letter is a letter in which the recipient is told a love affair is over. Here is one of the better "Dear John" letters.


A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently recieved a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Mary, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.

I'm sorry. please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, John.


Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc.

In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her friends. There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note.

Dear John.

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who on earth you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take care, Mary.

 

[C5Says]

Exercise is good for you.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we haven't a clue where she is.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I like those 3 the best...and I laughed out real loud at the flabby thighs!

My daughter suddenly compared it to the movie Click...anyone of you seen that? Imagine Adam Sandler when he was at the hospital towards the end of the movie... LOL

 

[marval]

Hi C5

I must admit I haven't seen that film, it sounds good though.


Margaret

 

[Mat]

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:


They have no wife to go home to...

or they do.
​

 

[marval]

HaHa


Margaret

 

[marval]

Hideous puns.

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired

What's the defination of a will? It's a dead giveaway

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

A backward poet writes inverse

In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed

Accupuncture is a jab well done

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key

Every calendar's days are numbered (in more ways than one)

A lot of money is tainted. Taint yours and taint mine

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory which was never developed

A plateau is a high form of flattery

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall

When an actress saw her first strand of grey hair, she thought she'd dye

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat



Feel free to groan now.

 

[C5Says]

Margaret, you can watch it free here:
http://watch-movies.net/movies/click/

Try the version 2.

Your pun list was great!

 

[marval]

Hi C5

Thank you, I will have to watch it sometime


Margaret

 

[Mat]

The Speed of Time by Age



0-9 Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going
to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it
Christmas yet?"

10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks
actually move backwards just before the bell rings.

20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet
paychecks seem further and further apart.

30-39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone
and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most
common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?"

40-49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he
might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he
said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be
slowing down?

60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59?

70 + Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like
they're over in a couple weeks.

 

[methodistgirl]

I have a Methodist joke for you even though I all ready said it before.
Okay! What is the difference between methamphimes and methahistimeans?
One is an illegal and dangerious and the other is a Methodist with cold medicine!:grin:
judy tooley

 

[marval]

Hi Judy

It is alright to tell it again it is still funny.


Margaret

 

[marval]

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithfull pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachsund thinks, "Ok, I'm in deep trouble now." Then he notices some bones on the groung close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attacking mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close, that dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use, and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes, but the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that coniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says .

"Where's that stupid monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

 

[Contratrombone64]

LOL @ marval

 

[Contratrombone64]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
​

DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens
GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA : In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

JOHN LENNON : Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chick book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?