The Jokes Thread

[marval]

These are real notes written by parents to teachers, spelling mistakes have been left in.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28,29,30,31,32,and also 33.

Please excuse gloria from jim today..She is hunting.

Please excuse roland from p.e for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the runs.

Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear

Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and and could not breed well.

Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

 

[Corno Dolce]

Golly gee Ms. Margaret,

The jokesters and pranksters on the BBC ain't got nothing on you - you are a veritable wellspring of rib-ticklers.

Cheers,

CD

 

[marval]

Johnny and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Johnny. "But we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape from her pocket, took a measurement and announced "18 feet 6 inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman, we ask for the height and she gives us the length."

 

[Contratrombone64]

droll, very droll.

 

[Mat]

As the Air Force cargo aircraft pushed back from the gate, the Loadmistress gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Aircraft Commander, Major Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.'

Sgt. Looper, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the Major a woman?' When the cargo crew came by, he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the Major a woman?'

'Yes,' said the crew member, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 'My God,' said Sgt. Looper, 'I'd better have a tranquilizer. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing Sarge,' she said, 'We no longer call it the cock pit.'

'It's the Box Office.'

 

[marval]

The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church.

"I liked the music," she replied, "but the commercial was too long."

 

[intet_at_tabe]

As the Air Force cargo aircraft pushed back from the gate, the Loadmistress gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Aircraft Commander, Major Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.'

Sgt. Looper, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the Major a woman?' When the cargo crew came by, he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the Major a woman?'

'Yes,' said the crew member, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 'My God,' said Sgt. Looper, 'I'd better have a tranquilizer. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing Sarge,' she said, 'We no longer call it the cock pit.'

'It's the Box Office.'

Mat rockin´ - Awesome joke from the cock pit :lol::lol::lol::lol::banana::banana::banana::banana::clap::clap::clap::clap:

========

The 747 airliner is way above the Atlantic Ocean heading for London, England. The passengers half sleaping or watching the movie when the speakers suddenly say:

"This is your captain, this is your captain. Please if you look to the wing outside your left windows, you´ll see we have a fire on engines 3 and 4."

The passengers suddenly in panic, screams can be heard.

The captain from the cockpit continues:

"Please put on your sefety belts as long as the red light is on".

Everyone does what the order says.

The captain continues:

"Now if you all look outside your right windows, you will see me the captain and my fly crew wearing parachutes: Thank you for flying with the TWA".

 

[marval]

Hi Intet

I would not want to be on that flight.

Well we always said TWA stood for Try walking across.

Margaret

 

[marval]

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road, and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car and walks all the way out to the farmer and asks, "excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel prize." "How?" The man asks puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel prize to people who are out standing in the field."

 

[Contratrombone64]

Margaret - we had an airline in Australia called TAA ... we used to say "take another airline". Love your latest joke, wonderful.

 

[marval]

Hi CT

I have never heard of TAA, "take another airline," not a good advert for them.

Glad you like the latest joke


Margaret

 

[Contratrombone64]

TAA went bust ...

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Ms. Margaret

I have been a freeloader here for so long, without contributing with any jokes, so thank you. "Try walking across" that was completely new to me, thank you.

You´re better than most, I particularely enjoyed the last one on The Nobel Prize - AWESOME :grin::grin::grin::grin:, though the farmer will die waiting for his prize.

 

[marval]

Hi Intet

Thank you for your kind comments

Yes the farmer will die waiting

You have contributed to jokes, maybe you have some more hiding away.


Margaret

 

[Mat]

This was a conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in late 1995.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south
to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north
to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second
largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.





Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Ms. Margaret off topic:

Don´t expect miracles. I am a lousy jokes teller. Have you any idea about how difficult it is to be the only one laughing at your own jokes while on stage, partly because I can´t remember them and someone upstairs forgot to remind me: Don´t even try!! :lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[marval]

There was a cat and a mouse who went to heaven, and they were there at the same time as well, the mouse approaches God's throne, and God asks him, "so how do you like it up here?"

The mouse says, "it's nice, but could I have a pair of roller skates?" God says "of course," so the mouse gets his roller skates.

Well, the next day the cat approaches God's throne, and the same question is directed at him. so he answers "it's great! I didn't know that you had meals on wheels up here!"

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Ms. Margaret

That´s the spirit [:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::clap::clap::clap::clap:

 

[Mat]

The World According to Women

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say its not quite as good as his mothers
...then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ..

...then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies. ..

...then buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores ...

...then buy a dog!

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ...

...then buy a dog.

BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness .,


...then buy a cat!

Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?

 

[intet_at_tabe]

"The World According to Women ...then buy a dog".

You got it right Mat :lol::lol::lol::lol::banana::banana::banana::banana::trp::trp::trp::trp::clap::clap::clap::clap: