The Jokes Thread

[Mat]

Hmm, well, I have a cat...


A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

 

[marval]

There's this old priest, who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery I'll quit."

Well everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had fallen. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until, the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town, and seemed very concered. The priest said "you have got to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word. before the mayor could explain the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said.

"I don't know what you're laughing at, your wife fell three times this week."

 

[Mat]

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" She
responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why yes, I do. I 've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, I
know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very
quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry as**s in jail for contempt."

 

[marval]

Here's two jokes some one told me.



Why do the kidnappers have Big ears?

Because Noddy won't pay the ransome.



Why does the burglar's wife wear a glass bra?

Because he likes to smash and grab.

 

[marval]

Criminal Lawyers Award.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued......and won.

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated neverthless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warrented that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15.000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the fires.

Now for the best part.

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months jail, and a $24.000 fine.


This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent criminal lawyers award contest.

 

[Mat]

A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.
Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want
to name them without him seeing them first. But
the hospital insists that the babies must be
named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie
overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to
the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the
happy couple are set to name the babies when a
nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took
care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and
doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he
pick?" The nurse says, "Well, he named the girl
Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.
And how about the boy?" "Denephew."

 

[marval]

Oops Mat poor little boy.

Good one


Margaret

 

[Mat]

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the
bull wins."

 

[marval]

Best reasons to allow drinking on the job.


1. It's an incentive to show up

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications

4. It reduces complaints about low pay

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter

8. It encouraging carpooling

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work

11. It makes fellow employees look better

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable



And if you thought you were sober read this and think again.

Sotally Tober.


Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
Cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.

 

[Contratrombone64]

lmfao @ marval ... you're a bottomless pit of mirth

 

[intet_at_tabe]

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the
bull wins."

Mat

We had this one only a month ago, but since it´s from you :lol::lol::lol::lol::banana::banana::banana::clap::clap::clap::clap:

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Ms. Margaret a.k.a. Sotally Tober

AWESOME, and yet the truth. Strange what alcoholic drinks do to people.

I remember my own father, when he felt down the drain, not getting anywhere at his work, anoyed that his boss never saw his personal talents as the sales manager. But after half a bottle of whiskey at home there was nothing in this world, he couldn´t manage - In his own words, it was the other jerks at work, who were always to blame.

My father worked in a big shop in Copenhagen on Storkongens Gade and Gammel Kongevej selling the clothes for women, his intire grown up life. My mother did the same, but in another shop. My father was the greatest story teller of non experienced fairytales though, about his "journey´s" around the planet that never had taken place, when drunk as a skunk.

 

[marval]

Hi Intet

Yes drink can do strange things to people.


Margaret

 

[marval]

In the maternity ward of a hospital, a new-born baby girl looks over at a new-born baby boy and asks, "are you a baby girl or a baby boy?"

The baby boy quickly chirps up, "I'm a baby boy."

"How can you tell?" asks the baby girl.

"Easy," says the baby boy. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.......blue booties."

 

[Mat]

The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until
the Earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want
you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the
blueprints for the ark."
Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.
Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.
"Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.
"Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things
happened.
"The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to
change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance
by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..
"The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a
state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.
"The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the
flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plain.
"The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying
taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission
said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.
"I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to
shine.
Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to
devastate the earth?"
"Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."

 

[marval]

Actual Medical Charts.


The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized

The skin was moist and dry

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation

She is numb from her toes down

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress

Patient was alert and unresponsive

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Mat

And ain´t it the truth!!:grin::grin: Keep `em coming.....

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Hi Intet

Yes drink can do strange things to people.


Margaret

Right on Ms. Margaret

His personallity completely changed, when having whiskey or any other alcohol. He was never violent or fresh in his speech, just disapeared into his dreams some distant place far from our ordinary lives, where he was a hero of sorts, but like I´ve said all fairytales.

Of course the next day, he did not enjoy being reminded to well about last nights fairytales. I almost felt sorry for him when I grew up, he and my mother was living in the labour neighbourhood in Copenhagen and not during the Gold Rush in the USA or in the Caribian as a pirat hundreds of years ago.

Though I guess, I got my distaste for alcohol in generel then.

 

[marval]

What money can do for you.


It can buy a house
But not a home

It can buy a bed
But not sleep

It can buy a clock
But not time

It can buy a book
But not knowledge

It can buy a position
But not respect

It can buy medicine
But not health

It can buy blood
But not life

It can buy sex
But not love


Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

I ACCEPT CASH, MONEY ORDERS, PERSONAL CHECKS. CASHIERS CHECKS, BAGS OF GOLD, BARS OF PLATINUM, ETC.


PLEASE NO CHILDREN AS PAYMENTS.
THEY WILL BE RETURNED.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

What an unselfish awesome hilarius treat you are Ms. Margaret.:clap::clap::tiphat::tiphat::lol::lol::angel::angel::wave::wave: LMAO :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[marval]

Thank you Intet

I await your money in the post (HaHa)


Margaret