The Jokes Thread

[jvhldb]

A newspaper reporter did an interview with a women who had seven sons. He asked her what their names were and she said "Mike". No he said, I want the names for all seven. She replied that they were all called Mike. Intrigued the reporter asked her why they were all called "Mike"? She replied that it was easy, when dinner is ready all she had to do was yell "Mike, dinner is read" and all seven would come in. If she needed something done all she had to do is say "Mike do...." and all seven would do it. "Well" the reporter said, "what if you want a specific boy to do something". "Thats easy" she replied "I use his surname".

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Very funny - deuce point :grin::grin::grin::grin:

 

[Contratrombone64]

CT64

But you´re wrong. You should and you did post the joke - a bit bity. Btw. My written english is worse, than I remember it used to be in 1999. At that time, I spoke and wrote English every day, because my profession demanded it. However, honestly between you and me. When you´ve experienced a scenario like mine having had my life stolen as to what it was post 1999, and you end up looking in childrens books at images of a duck, a car, a house, a ship while your pedagog trying to recreate your abilty to speak my own language Danish, the ability to read and write it too, so you don´t have for anyone around to read from a newspaper, put food in your mouth, change diapers, then you change in a way you would never have thought about before. You become grateful for all the laughs you may achieve, if lucky?

So before I leave you with another one of these typical for me brick novels in a post, being so proud and grateful to the Lord for saving my life and years of desperate frustration about how slow everything have been for more than 5 years to regain my ability of speech, reading and writing back - not the way it used to be, it´ll never be, but who cares? One of the things I found most disencouraging was, how people around you disrespect you, when you can´t speak the language, how easy you lose any authority, for just being you, when you don´t have the ability to understand what people tell you or reply.

So when a friendly regular on the MIMF like yourself CT64, jokes about my post and my English writings, and I read it early in the morning, laughing out loud behind the PC, then you actually supported my new ability in life - to laugh at myself. Because you hit the head on the nail.

Beside this, I don´t wish to end up as an 85 year old grumpy male, regretting all the things in life I did not do, because I was afraid of being laughed at, sitting in my now rockin chair.

Beside this non of us got hurt :lol::lol::lol::lol:

intet - my god man, what a story, I'm humbled ... shamed I'm a damned athiest otherwise I'd wish you "god bless" ... I can only muster "may the universe bless you endlessly".

Grumpy old man you? I think not, dear sir. A thoroughly interesting and wonderful person.

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Corno

You are very welcome

CT I like yours,

Margaret

================

I wiil find you

I will seek and find you
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake and sweat, until you moan and groan
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop
I will exhaust you, to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days


All my love

The flu


Now get your mind out of the gutter, and go get your flu shot.

Mrs. Margaret

Evidence of a long time marriage - you´re rockin - more, more, more:banana::banana::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[Mat]

Well - your English is magnificent, and no reason why it shouldn't be, so I thought you might be an ex-Pat Brit, American or (worse) Aussie.

Well, thanks for kind words, CT64. But I must tell ya something. Jokes I've been posting in this thread are usually copied from the Internet and pasted in here. My job is only to find really funny ones. But if you're reffering to my posts from other threads (where you can see my real English) then I'm really flattered.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Actually, what is the right answer? In my country there is no such thing as a "flashing red traffic light". We have only yellow flashing light.

No, really guys. What is the right answer? It's been bothering me for quite a long time now...




And the joke:

Arnie, the tailor was frantic. His wife, Rebecca, was sick and perhaps dying.
"Doctor, please save my wife. I'll pay anything."
"What if I can't cure her?"
"I'll pay you whether you cure her or kill her. Just come straight away."
Although the doctor was prompt is visiting the woman, she died a few days later. The doctor sent Arnie a hefty bill. The tailor couldn't hope to pay, and asked the doctor to appear before the rabbi with him, to have the case arbitrated.
"He agreed to pay me for treating his wife, whether I cured her, or killed her."
The rabbi asked thoughtfully,
"Well, did you cure her?"
"No."
"Then did you kill her?"
"Certainly not."
"In that case," said the rabbi, "you have no grounds on which to base a fee."

 

[marval]

Hi Mat

That's a very good one


Margaret

 

[intet_at_tabe]

Mat

Your birthday last did not do you any harm in the continued telling jokes. Mat back on track ROCKIN, more, more, more :trp::trp::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::clap::clap::tiphat::tiphat::banana::banana:

 

[marval]

A beautiful blonde calls her boyfriend, and says "please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend says "what's it suppose to be when it is finished?" The blonde says "according to the box it's a rooster."

The boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When he arrives she lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle, spread all over the table. Her boyfriend studies the pieces a moment, then looks at the box and turns to the blonde and says.

"First of all, no matter what we do we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says "secondly I want you to relax, let's have a nice cup of tea then".........he said with a deep sigh

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"Lets put all the cornflakes back in the box."

 

[Mat]

Margaret - This one is hilarious, really. Keep them coming.

 

[marval]

A couple decide to go out for a meal and, after some deliberation decide on their local chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special Chicken Suprise. The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises by a tiny amount, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband

He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. he reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over , explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same." he replies, "The chicken surprise"

"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter


(wait for it)





"I've brought you the peeking duck."

 

[Contratrombone64]

droll, very droll!

 

[Mat]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush
restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady
swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to
drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
"My goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"

 

[marval]

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing, staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque he said to him "good morning son." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque.

"Sir what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son those are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly they stood together, staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice bearly broke the silence when he asked quietly, "which one sir, the 8.30 or the 10.30?"

 

[Mat]

An American is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the States." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the States."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."

 

[marval]

HaHaHa

Nice one Mat


Margaret

 

[marval]

A tramp goes up to the front door of a neat looking house and raps gently on the door. When the owner answers the tramp asks him, "please sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says "I have made a fortune in my lifetime, by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing however, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the tramp goes round the back, and a while later he knocks again on the door. The owner says "have you finished already? Good the cook will bring your meal right in."

The tramp says "Thank you very much sir, but there's something I think you should know."

"It's not a Porsche you have got there it's a BMW."

 

[marval]

"Boss I have got to have a raise," the salesman said to his sales manager. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that a fact?" the manager asked, "what other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the phone company and the gas company."

 

[Mat]

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up the inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

 

[marval]

An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor's office. "Doctor there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills, that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," said the blonde. "I will try anything."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doctor your plan is no good. I'm more tired than ever."

"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor shaking his head. "These are the strongest pills on the market."

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing these dogs, and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill."

 

[intet_at_tabe]

You guys are toooooooo much :lol::lol::lol::lol::trp::trp::trp::trp::banana::banana::banana::banana::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::tiphat::clap::clap::clap::clap: Keep `em coming...