The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great bush fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Lets go! Lets go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because Im going to take pictures! Im a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean youre not the instructor?"
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Lets go! Lets go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because Im going to take pictures! Im a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean youre not the instructor?"
marval
New member
A young reporter went to a retirement home, to interview an old but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path, and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us."
"I turned to get my weapon, only to find the native had fled."
The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "under the circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "not then......just now when I went ROARRR.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path, and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us."
"I turned to get my weapon, only to find the native had fled."
The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "under the circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "not then......just now when I went ROARRR.
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL @ Margaret - that's a classic
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
marval
New member
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several priceless paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime, and then make such an obvious error, he replied
(scroll down)
(brace yourself)
(this is going to hurt)
(really bad)
"I had no monet to degas to make the van goh"
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime, and then make such an obvious error, he replied
(scroll down)
(brace yourself)
(this is going to hurt)
(really bad)
"I had no monet to degas to make the van goh"
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
*rolls eyes @ Margaret*
Did you hear about the streaker who made a dash through a retirement village?? Two old ladies had a stroke, the third couldn't reach.
Did you hear about the streaker who made a dash through a retirement village?? Two old ladies had a stroke, the third couldn't reach.
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Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
Hi Ms. Margaret,
That was a rib-tickler for me :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Thanx for making my day even better than it was to begin with, and it was good to begin with...
Cheers,
CD
That was a rib-tickler for me :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
Thanx for making my day even better than it was to begin with, and it was good to begin with...
Cheers,
CD
marval
New member
Corno
You are very welcome
CT I like yours,
Margaret
================
I wiil find you
I will seek and find you
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake and sweat, until you moan and groan
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop
I will exhaust you, to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days
All my love
The flu
Now get your mind out of the gutter, and go get your flu shot.
You are very welcome
CT I like yours,
Margaret
================
I wiil find you
I will seek and find you
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake and sweat, until you moan and groan
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop
I will exhaust you, to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days
All my love
The flu
Now get your mind out of the gutter, and go get your flu shot.
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Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL @ your flu one ... it is just soooo true!!
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too effed up to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too effed up to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
mat - excellent - where in Poland are you from?
marval
New member
Two blondes rented a boat and went fishing. After finding a good location, the first blonde told the second blonde to mark the spot, so when they came back they will be able to find it again.
On the way home the first blonde asked, "How did you mark the spot?" The reply was "I put an X on the bottom of the boat."
To that the first blonde said, "You idiot, how do you know we'll get the same boat next time.
On the way home the first blonde asked, "How did you mark the spot?" The reply was "I put an X on the bottom of the boat."
To that the first blonde said, "You idiot, how do you know we'll get the same boat next time.
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Well - your English is magnificent, and no reason why it shouldn't be, so I thought you might be an ex-Pat Brit, American or (worse) Aussie.
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
Miss Margaret
:clap::clap::banana::banana::lol::lol::lol::lol:
:clap::clap::banana::banana::lol::lol::lol::lol:
intet_at_tabe
Rear Admiral Appassionata (Ret.)
CT64
You would sit down flat on your behind, if you only knew about Mat. Amasingly funny guy and most talented musician reaching beyond what´s possibly. One in a million.
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
Well, thanks for kind words, CT64. But I must tell ya something. Jokes I've been posting in this thread are usually copied from the Internet and pasted in here. My job is only to find really funny ones. But if you're reffering to my posts from other threads (where you can see my real English) then I'm really flattered
.Actually, what is the right answer? In my country there is no such thing as a "flashing red traffic light". We have only yellow flashing light
.