The Jokes Thread

marval

marval

New member
Here are some language translations


Are you habouring a fugitive - Hu Yu Hai Ding


See me A,S.A.P - Kum Hia Nao


Stupid Man - Dum Gai


Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni


Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing


Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan


I bumped into a coffee table - Ah Bang Mai Ni


I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat


It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?


Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?


I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching


This is a tow away zone - No Pah King


You are not very bright - Yu So Dum


I got this for free - Ai No Pei


I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?


Please stay a little longer - Wai Go Nao?


Meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao


They have arrived - Hai Dei Kum


Stay out of sight - Lei Lo


He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka


He is a fat man - Wun Fat Gai
 
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marval

marval

New member
Old Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them.

As the pastor stood next to the bed, old Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned franctically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and old Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his
jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was weaing the
same jacket that he was wearing when old Fred died.

He said "You know,old Fred handed me a note just before he died..I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for all of us."

He opened the note, and read aloud, "Paster, you're standing on my oxygen tube."
 
marval

marval

New member
Here are some apropriate Hymns.

The Dentist's Hymn......Crown him with many crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn......There shall be showers of blessing

The Contractor's Hymn.........The church's one foundation

The Tailor's Hymn.......Holy Holy Holy

The Golfer's Hymn....There is a green hill far away

The Politician's Hymn........Standing on the promises

The Optometrist's Hymn.......Open my eyes that I might see

The IRS agent's Hymn......I surrender all

The Gossip's Hymn..... Pass it on

The Electrician's Hymn......Send the light

The Shopper's Hymn....Sweet by and by

The Realtor's Hymn.....I've got a mansion just over the hilltop

The Pilot's Hymn......I'll fly away

The Paramedic's Hymn.....Revive us again

The Judge's Hymn.....Almost persuaded

The Psychiatrist's Hymn.....Just a little talk with Jesus

The Architect's Hymn.....How firm a foundation

The Zookeeper's Hymn.....All creatures of our God

The Postal worker's Hymn.....So I send you

The waiter's Hymn....Fill my cup, Lord

The Gardener's Hymn.....Lo, how a rose e'er blooming

The Lifeguard's Hymn.....Rescue the perishing

The Criminal's Hymn.....Search me, O God

The Baker's Hymn.....When the roll is called up yonder

The Shoe repairer's Hymn.....It is well with my soul

The Travel agent's Hymn......Anywhere with Jesus

The Geologist's Hymn.....Rock of ages

The Hematologist's Hymn......Are you washed in the blood?

The menswear clerk's Hymn.....Blessed be the tie

The Umpire's Hymn......I need no other argument

The Librarian's Hymn.....Whispering hope

...................

And for driving

45mph.......God will take care of you

55mph........Guide me O thou great Jehovah

65mph.........Nearer my God to thee

75mph.........Nearer still nearer

85mph..........This world is not my home

95mph...........Lord, I'm coming home

Over 100mph...Precious memories
 
Mat

Mat

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Staff member
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A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to Sydney, near Parramatta , I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago"
 
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Contratrombone64

Contratrombone64

Admiral of Fugues
Not quite jokes but funny sayings:

When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become president; I'm beginning to believe it (lawyer Clarence Darrow)

It's so demeaning for a writer to have to deal with a Hollywood movie producer ... a low-grade individual with the morals of a goat, the artistic integrity of a slot machine, and the manners of a floorwalker with delusions of grandeur (writer Raymond Chandler)

The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook on it (Billy Connolly to a heckler)

Michael [Jackson] is claiming racism. And I say, honey, yo've got a pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord of the Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species. (comedian Robin Williams)

Darling, she's so distasteful! (Zsa Zsa Gabor on Barbara Streisand)

I would not allow this person to breed (supposedly on a federal government employee performance evaluation)
 
marval

marval

New member
A magician needed a break from the stess of city living, and so took a job on a cruse ship in the Caribbean. The pay was average but the perks were good and as the audience would be different each week, the magician didn't have to practice too hard, he could repeat the same tricks every week.

However over time a small problem developed. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week, and he got to understand how the magician did each trick.

The parrot began squawking during the show,

"Look it's not the same hat."
"He's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but of course he couldn't do anything about it. The captain would not have been happy, if anything happened to his parrot.

One day the ship that the magician was working on ran into trouble. After running into rocks near Jamaica, the ship tragically sank, there were few survivors.

As it happened, the magician found himself sharing a piece of wood floating in the Caribbean sea, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, and neither uttered a word. Finally the parrot broke the silence.

"OK, I give up where's the boat?"
 
Mat

Mat

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this one is very funny, Margaret

Do you have more?
 
marval

marval

New member
Thanks Mat

Here's one.


A man called Charlie is thrown out of his home, and decides that he needs to get a job in the world. He didn't have a lot of experience, so he thought it would be a good idea to get a job in a doughnut bar.

He talks to the manager who decides to test Charlie and see how good he is. So they do a role play with the manager playing the customer.

The manager asks "How much are your doughnuts?"
Charlie replies "Uhm I don't know."
The manager says "No, say 10 cents."

So they have another go.

The manager asks "How much are your doughnuts?"
Charlie replies "10 cents."
The manager then asks "Are they fresh?"
Charlie replies " Uhm 10 cents."
The manager says "well, not exactly you should say yes yes very fresh."

So they try again for a third time
And the manager says "Should I buy one?"
Charlie replies "10 cents."

The manager says "well that's pretty close, you should say hurry up before someone else does."

So the manager decides to give Charlie a go, and after a few days the business is going very well,until one day a robber breaks in.

The robber says "How much have you got in that cash register?"
Charlie replies "10 cents."
The robber says "Are you trying to be fresh with me?"
Charlies replies "Yes yes very fresh."
The robber says "Alright that's it, do you want me to shoot you?"
And Charlie replies "You had better hurry before somebody else does."
 
Krummhorn

Krummhorn

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Good one, Margaret ... another variant of that one uses Bananas that we did as Boy Scouts some 40+ years ago ... still funny, even this new version :cheers:
 
Mat

Mat

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God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do Something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said


*


*


*


*


*


*


"What's a headache?"
 
marval

marval

New member
Here are some children's opinion on love.

Beauty is skin deep, but how rich you are can last a long time.

What is falling in love like?

Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life

If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it, it takes too long.

How can you tell if two adults eating dinner together, are in love?

Just see if the man pays the bill, that's how you can tell if he's in love

Lovers will just be staring at each other, and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food

Romantic adults usually get dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans, it might mean they used to go out or they have just broken up

See if the man has lipstick on his face

If they order one of those desserts that are on fire, they like to order those because it's just how their hearts are.....On fire.

What are most people thinking when they say "I love you?"

Some lovers might be really nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out, and said it, now they can go and eat.

The person is thinking yeah, I really do love him but, I hope he showers at least once a day.

Opinions about love.

I'm in favour of love as long as it does'nt happen when "Dinosaurs" is on the television

Love is foolish, but I might try it sometime

Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was 5, but girls keep finding me

I'm not rushing into being in love, I'm finding 4th grade hard enough.

Why does love happen between two particular people?

No-one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell.....that's why perfumes and deoderants are so popular

I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful.

Surefire ways to make someone fall in love with you.

Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores

Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs, and don't worry if their parents are right there

Don't do things like have smelly. green sneakers, you might get attention, but attention isn't the same thing as love

Shake your hips and hope for the best

One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat, French fries usually work for me.
 
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