The Jokes Thread
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Dorsetmike
Member
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always fallsbutter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”
“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:
"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it’s a law of nature that buttered toast always fallsbutter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat. He won’t say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.”
“Well,” Fr Flannagan says, “it’s certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.”
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:
"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy’s room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having buttered the toast on the wrong side."
Dorsetmike
Member
Did you know that no dictionary has been able to adequately explain the
difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
However, at a recent conference held in London, and attended by
some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was
the clear winner. His final challenge was this:
Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Please explain the difference between "COMPLETE and FINISHED" in a way that
is easy to understand.
Mr. Balgobin's response:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
But if you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
However, at a recent conference held in London, and attended by
some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was
the clear winner. His final challenge was this:
Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Please explain the difference between "COMPLETE and FINISHED" in a way that
is easy to understand.
Mr. Balgobin's response:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
But if you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
Dorsetmike
Member
We'd noticed ......................................................
Dorsetmike
Member
Cultural discussion:- (adjust nationalities to suit your point of view - historical accuracy not gauranteed!)
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a café discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and he arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman replies, "Well.....it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
And so it went on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion........
With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a café discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and he arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman replies, "Well.....it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."
And so it went on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion........
With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"
Dorsetmike
Member
Ebay warning:
Be careful what you buy on eBay.
If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend has just spent £95 on an enlarger for part of the male anatomy.
He received a magnifying glass.
The only instruction said, "Do not use in direct sunlight."
Be careful what you buy on eBay.
If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.
A friend has just spent £95 on an enlarger for part of the male anatomy.
He received a magnifying glass.
The only instruction said, "Do not use in direct sunlight."
Last edited:
Dorsetmike
Member
The last kiss
Back on July 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Back on July 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Dorsetmike
Member
I went to the doc complaining of water on the knee, ... ... ... he told me to aim straighter.
Dorsetmike
Member
Verbosity
If there was still a shred of doubt the world is totally insane, this should remove it:-
Only Divine intervention can now restore us to sanity !
This says it all…….
Pythagoras' Theorem: .........................24 words.
Lord's Prayer: .......................................... 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: .................................67 words.
Ten Commandments: .......................................179 words.
Gettysburg Address: ................................................286 words.
US Declaration of Independence : ..............................1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: ........................7,818 words.
EU Regulations on the Sale of CABBAGES: ..................26,911 words
If there was still a shred of doubt the world is totally insane, this should remove it:-
Only Divine intervention can now restore us to sanity !
This says it all…….
Pythagoras' Theorem: .........................24 words.
Lord's Prayer: .......................................... 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: .................................67 words.
Ten Commandments: .......................................179 words.
Gettysburg Address: ................................................286 words.
US Declaration of Independence : ..............................1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: ........................7,818 words.
EU Regulations on the Sale of CABBAGES: ..................26,911 words
Dorsetmike
Member
What do you call a public convenience at a wildlife park??????
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
A Zulu
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
A Zulu
Dorsetmike
Member
A cat caught - and ate- a mallard yesterday.
Now it's a duck-filled fattypuss
Now it's a duck-filled fattypuss
Dorsetmike
Member
Paris art theft
A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings,
and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the
paintings.'
I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh.'
---------------
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse ..
A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings,
and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the
paintings.'
I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh.'
---------------
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse ..