The Jokes Thread

[Dorsetmike]

The obedient Wife

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,
And was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...
’When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.’

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - demurely dressed
in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

‘Wait just a moment!’

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and placed it forlornly in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, ‘Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.’

The loyal wife replied, ‘Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.’

‘You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him!?!?!?’

’I sure did,’ said the wife.. ‘I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.’

 

[Dorsetmike]

Stage fright

I used to enjoy Amateur Dramatics, but in rehearsals one day I failed to spot the trap door and fell into the basement - I suppose you could say it was just a stage I was going through.

 

[teddy]

The geography of a woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet .
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

The geography of a man

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ,
ruled by a pair of nuts.

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

Confessions

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question though."

" And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

 

[Dorsetmike]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a
full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns
to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That
will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A
hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with
exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?'
asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato
and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will
be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact
change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was
cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I
cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I
would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of
money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would
ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be
as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls
Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man..
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the flippin
emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was
for a tall bird with a big butt and long legs, who agrees
with everything I say

 

[Dorsetmike]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.


"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."


And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."


And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."


And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"





His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the cr@p out of them first!"

 

[Dorsetmike]

Royal Navy News, new Euro regulations


Guess we could say the same for all the forces?





The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless,the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.





Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.



The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.



Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.



Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.



The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.



Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.



All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.



Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.



The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.




Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".



All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.



Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female crew.




The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.





The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.



Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.



The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels ."




His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

 

[teddy]

Mike, was that a joke or the news?

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

Bit of both probably!

 

[JHC]

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England 's south coast.

Would they be from Scotland?

 

[teddy]

First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
Then paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season Begins......

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

Paddy texts his wife (Edit to suit your ethnicity)

"Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.


If I’m not back in 20 minutes,


read this message again."

 

[Dorsetmike]

Two men go into a zoo and go up to a zookeeper.

One of them asks the keeper " Do you have penguins 3 feet high? " Keeper says yes.

Then he says "Do you have penguins 4 feet high? " Keeper says yes.

Then he says "Do you have penguins 5 1/2 feet high? " Keeper says no.

He turns to his mate and says "There, I told you that was a nun you ran over "

 

[Dorsetmike]

Sarcasm;

(noun) sar-chasm: The gulf between the person talking, and the one who doesn't get it.

------------------

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to those good looking chicks over there instead of you."

---------------------------------

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then .. try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday?..."

----------------------------

I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today.The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.

----------------------------

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
​

 

[Dorsetmike]

Roman Senator to Barman: Give me a Martinus please.

Barman: Don't you mean a Martini?

Senator: If I'd wanted a double I would have asked for it.

 

[teddy]

A friend of mine told me he had just come back from Poole after a holiday.
In Dorset - I asked.
Yes - he said - I WOULD RECOMMEND IT TO ANYONE!!!!!!

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

Took a while to see that one

 

[teddy]

Hope it was worth it

teddy

 

[JHC]

[FONT=&quot] A glorious spring morning as old Bill and Jim take their mourning walk in the park eventually parking themselves on a bench to rest, after a short while Jim turns to Bill saying “It feels so nice out to day I think I’ll leave it out”[/FONT]

 

[Dorsetmike]

Reincarnation

My mate told his missus that with reincarnation, you can come back as something completely different.

"I think I'll come back as a cow," she said.

He said, "You're not listening."