Dorsetmike
Member
I used to love farm vehicles, but not any more - I'm an ex-tractor fan
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
EddieRUKiddingVare
New member
"I want to do a musical movie. Like Evita, but with good music."
— Elton John
— Elton John
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Ha Ha he wouldn't know good music if it bit him in the ..............
EddieRUKiddingVare
New member
Now Now boys, The Queen seems to approve of EJ (reggie), maybe it takes one to know one.
Dorsetmike
Member
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"
Dorsetmike
Member
Lie Clocks
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
.... 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where are the politicians clocks?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'We're using them as a ceiling fans.'
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth
has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
.... 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where are the politicians clocks?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'We're using them as a ceiling fans.'
Dorsetmike
Member
There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ..."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Blowed if I know, I've never got this far before."
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ..."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Blowed if I know, I've never got this far before."
Dorsetmike
Member
Male logic
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man; About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day
which puts your spending each month at $450..
In one year, it would be approximately $5400
...correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for
inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at
$108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer,
that money could have been put in a
step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
__._,_.__
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man; About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day
which puts your spending each month at $450..
In one year, it would be approximately $5400
...correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for
inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at
$108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer,
that money could have been put in a
step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
__._,_.__
teddy
Duckmeister
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a sod***g cat!!!
teddy
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a sod***g cat!!!
teddy
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Dorsetmike
Member
Words
ADULT A person who has stopped growing at both ends And is now growing in the middle. (Teddy?)
BEAUTY PARLOUR A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage.
INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.
BEAUTY PARLOUR A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage.
INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.
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teddy
Duckmeister
What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne?
A waiter.
What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer?
Retired.
What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch?
A fisherman.
Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
They haven't got any openers .
What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone on the Australian cricket team?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.
What's the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.
What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both
What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes
The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
teddy
A waiter.
What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer?
Retired.
What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch?
A fisherman.
Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
They haven't got any openers .
What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone on the Australian cricket team?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.
What's the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.
What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both
What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes
The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
teddy
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JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Now now teddy you will start eddie of on a rant, you know these aussies
Dorsetmike
Member
Colin, are you anticipating a sense of humour failure?
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Would I ??? you know me better than that.