JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
He wouldn't know where it is teddy ....
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
EddieRUKiddingVare
New member
Its in Warwickshire I believe.
Dam shame waste of an oval ball I say.
Let's wait for the end of the Aussie summer to see how has the last laugh..............
I seem to remember of the 310 or so Tests, score is 123 Aussie 100 England- not that I'm keeping count.
Dam shame waste of an oval ball I say.
Let's wait for the end of the Aussie summer to see how has the last laugh..............
I seem to remember of the 310 or so Tests, score is 123 Aussie 100 England- not that I'm keeping count.
Dorsetmike
Member
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority
found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern
that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains
of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was
definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the
detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the
bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined
that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were
killed by impacts with cars. MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to
determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to
warn of impending danger.
The conclusion: while all the lookoutcrows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."
I'll get me coat!!
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Dorsetmike
Member
Aussie court hearing
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama in Australia yesterday (30th July 2013) when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian Test Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama in Australia yesterday (30th July 2013) when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Australian Test Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Dorsetmike
Member
A lady's story -
Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search.
I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I scanned the lot I came to a terrifying conclusion !
His theory was right. The car was gone.
I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen..
Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Hello My Love," I stammered; (I always call him "My Love" in times like these.)
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman that I have not stolen your bloody car."
Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search.
I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets.
A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I scanned the lot I came to a terrifying conclusion !
His theory was right. The car was gone.
I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen..
Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Hello My Love," I stammered; (I always call him "My Love" in times like these.)
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman that I have not stolen your bloody car."
Dorsetmike
Member
First old colonel: "Have you heard from Carruthers?"
Second old colonel: "Livin' with a gorilla!"
First old colonel: "Good God. Female gorilla, I hope."
Second old colonel: "Good God, yes. Nothin' queer about Carruthers."
Second old colonel: "Livin' with a gorilla!"
First old colonel: "Good God. Female gorilla, I hope."
Second old colonel: "Good God, yes. Nothin' queer about Carruthers."
Dorsetmike
Member
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Dorsetmike
Member
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics
rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect.
Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics
rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding
a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was
going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect.
Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Dorsetmike
Member
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest
you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs of dynamite.'
He takes off his trousers and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs of dynamite.'
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment
screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up
with her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde
replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the
fuse is!'
you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs of dynamite.'
He takes off his trousers and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs of dynamite.'
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment
screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up
with her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde
replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the
fuse is!'
Corno Dolce
Admiral Honkenwheezenpooferspieler
and if my memory serves me there's this mathematic notion about a gorilla and "purple commutator grapes". :nut::banana:
Dorsetmike
Member
Just figured why Bill & Ben talked funny ... ... ... ... too much weeeeeeeeeed!
(for those not familiar with bygone British children's TV http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6zNwBTLSWU )
(for those not familiar with bygone British children's TV http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6zNwBTLSWU )