The Jokes Thread

[teddy]

All my wild oats have turned into Wheatabix

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

I'm a-maize- d; it may be corn-y so I won't barley with you.

 

[teddy]

Oh, very rye.

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

Rice one ---------- (extra characters)

 

[Dorsetmike]

Is this a cereal thread?

 

[teddy]

Well, its bran-ded.

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

How about a straw poll?

 

[teddy]

Hay, thats a good idea

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

Mind you don't stub-ble yer toe

 

[teddy]

When a man was asked why he continually assulted nuns he replied - "Well, I just want to kick the habit"

teddy

 

[teddy]

Saw a field full of dancing cows today. I had to stop and look. They had some wonderful mooooves.

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

Was it some of these?

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7stl2_anchor-butter-advert_shortfilms#.UZ3kYqx_120

or these?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZixgIE3WShk

 

[Dorsetmike]

Saw this linked on another forum, made me chuckle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPSDatGhmMo

 

[teddy]

The drumming gorilla is still my favourite

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner,
took her 15 hours to hoover the house.Turns out she was ... ... ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
a Slovak.


... but, wait there's more ..... as an added bonus for today only ...
.
.
.
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots...
.Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

 

[teddy]

That cake is calling to me - said my wife as she walked past the sideboard.
Yes - I replied - bit its saying HELLO FATTY

Visiting hours are fro 2.20 until 8.00

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

The wife said:

"Tell me the truth does............."

Visiting hours are from 2.00 until 8.00

 

[teddy]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you

THE HUSBAND, TYPICALLY NON - ROMANTIC, REPLIED,

I AM ON THE TOILET. PLEASE ADVISE.

Kinda brings a tear to your eyes, don't it???

teddy

 

[teddy]

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannie and Grandad is?

A five year olds Granddaughter is usually taken to her Brisbane school daily by her Grandfather in their car. But, when he had a bad cold his wife drove the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was very different!

"What made it different?" asked her parents.

"Gran and I didn't see a single t****r, blind b*****d, d*ckhead, ***** p***k or ***ker anywhere on the way to school today!" she replied

teddy

 

[teddy]

My wife said to me _Does my bum look big in this?
I replied - I don't know. I haven't seen your brother wearing it,

Visting............................

teddy