The Jokes Thread
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Dorsetmike
Member
The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and
packing his suitcase.
"What happened, George?"
"What happened? - I'll tell you what happenned! I sent an email to my
wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and
guess what I found?... My wife, yes my Marie, with a naked guy in our
marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. There is something odd about this
story. Marie would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check
what happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I
said there must be a simple explanation..." "Marie didn't receive your email!!!"
packing his suitcase.
"What happened, George?"
"What happened? - I'll tell you what happenned! I sent an email to my
wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and
guess what I found?... My wife, yes my Marie, with a naked guy in our
marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. There is something odd about this
story. Marie would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check
what happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I
said there must be a simple explanation..." "Marie didn't receive your email!!!"
Dorsetmike
Member
Mr Spooner presumably.
I love spoonerisms and malapropisms, but you do have to watch out at times. Must remember to listen to the feather worecast, see if there's likely to be any participation!
Dorsetmike
Member
A family from one of the poorest parts of town are packing for a holiday in Spain. They have the predicament of what to do with their three pets, a snake, a rabbit and a skunk, while away in the sun for two weeks:
Father: "I know, we'll take em with us. Wayne you can wear the snake around your waist, everyone will think it's a belt, I'll wear the rabbit on my head so it'll look like a hat and you mother, you can put the skunk in your knickers"
Mother: "But what about the smell?".
Father: "Well if it dies it dies...."
Father: "I know, we'll take em with us. Wayne you can wear the snake around your waist, everyone will think it's a belt, I'll wear the rabbit on my head so it'll look like a hat and you mother, you can put the skunk in your knickers"
Mother: "But what about the smell?".
Father: "Well if it dies it dies...."
Dorsetmike
Member
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
teddy
Duckmeister
. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
(isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin , age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is.......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
teddy
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
(isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin , age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is.......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
teddy
Hawk Henries
New member
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're Stupid!!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...
Dorsetmike
Member
A family of moles are readying themselves for their annual expedtion out of the forest where they live to look for sugar. Because their eyesight is poor they travel with their nose very close to the tail of the mole in front of them. They are ranged with grandpa mole at the front, followed by grandma mole, daddy mole, mummy mole all the way back to baby mole, on his very first family outing.
The long line of moles set off at dawn traveling nose to tail with grandpa mole at the front and little baby mole bringing up the rear. They had only traveled for an hour or so when baby mole cried out "Stop! I can smell sugar!", All of the moles stopped, sniffed around for a few moments and smelling nothing, shrugged and carried on their journey.
Having resumed their trek nose to tail out of the forest only another half an hour passed and baby mole screamed yet again "Stop, stop! I'm sure I can smell sugar!". Again all the mole family sniffed but nobody could smell sugar or anything like it. Baby mole was not too popular with the rest of his family, his brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles. The moles carried on, nose to tail across fields, through hedges and onwards until baby mole unable to contain himself any longer shouted "Stop!!! I'm sure......" he didn't finish as daddy mole had walked from the front of the line and put a friendly hand on baby moles shoulder, "Son, that ain't sugar you can smell that's mole-asses".
The long line of moles set off at dawn traveling nose to tail with grandpa mole at the front and little baby mole bringing up the rear. They had only traveled for an hour or so when baby mole cried out "Stop! I can smell sugar!", All of the moles stopped, sniffed around for a few moments and smelling nothing, shrugged and carried on their journey.
Having resumed their trek nose to tail out of the forest only another half an hour passed and baby mole screamed yet again "Stop, stop! I'm sure I can smell sugar!". Again all the mole family sniffed but nobody could smell sugar or anything like it. Baby mole was not too popular with the rest of his family, his brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles. The moles carried on, nose to tail across fields, through hedges and onwards until baby mole unable to contain himself any longer shouted "Stop!!! I'm sure......" he didn't finish as daddy mole had walked from the front of the line and put a friendly hand on baby moles shoulder, "Son, that ain't sugar you can smell that's mole-asses".
Dorsetmike
Member
One afternoon a group of women shopping in the high street came upon an old man who looked to be about 90 years old who was collapsed against a shop doorway crying his eyes out. They carefully approached and since he looked like a reasonable kind of person they decided it would be safe to talk to him.
"Why are crying so hard ?" said one of the women.
Between sobs the 90 year old man said " I've just married a 19 year old girl who loved me like no-one has ever loved me. She always wears stockings and suspenders because she knows what I like, she makes love to me three times a day, cooks me wonderful meals, and in between love making bouts she cleans the house"
With that he resumed his awful sobbing - his whole body shaking and his face soaked with tears.
"Have you just found out she is being unfaithful?" one of the women asked.
"No - she won't even look at another man" he replied. "She is waiting at home now in a black negligee to make love to me right now"
"Then why are crying like this?" she asked.
He looked up at her kind face and blurted out between sobs "Because I can't remember where I live"
"Why are crying so hard ?" said one of the women.
Between sobs the 90 year old man said " I've just married a 19 year old girl who loved me like no-one has ever loved me. She always wears stockings and suspenders because she knows what I like, she makes love to me three times a day, cooks me wonderful meals, and in between love making bouts she cleans the house"
With that he resumed his awful sobbing - his whole body shaking and his face soaked with tears.
"Have you just found out she is being unfaithful?" one of the women asked.
"No - she won't even look at another man" he replied. "She is waiting at home now in a black negligee to make love to me right now"
"Then why are crying like this?" she asked.
He looked up at her kind face and blurted out between sobs "Because I can't remember where I live"
marval
New member
A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden.
"Sooner or later we are going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds," says the wife.
"What is wrong with the one we have got?" asks the husband.
"Nothing," replies the wife, "but mother's arms are getting tired."
"Sooner or later we are going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds," says the wife.
"What is wrong with the one we have got?" asks the husband.
"Nothing," replies the wife, "but mother's arms are getting tired."
Dorsetmike
Member
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going down the pub with me ?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede ' s box and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me? .....
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I 'm just putting me flippin' shoes on!"
"How about going down the pub with me ?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede ' s box and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me? .....
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I 'm just putting me flippin' shoes on!"
teddy
Duckmeister
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
So - I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered -at the end of it all I drank eight beers"
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied,
"I'm just a ******** golfer"
So - I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered -at the end of it all I drank eight beers"
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied,
"I'm just a ******** golfer"
teddy
Duckmeister
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining andboring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your lovedones
are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism andblame without resentment,
If you can conquer tensionwithout medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining andboring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your lovedones
are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism andblame without resentment,
If you can conquer tensionwithout medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then You're Probably
The Family Dog!
teddy
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