The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
EddieRUKiddingVare
New member
You mean Kylie?.........
EddieRUKiddingVare
New member
I'd better change the subject I think!
Q: How do you annoy a natural hornist?
A: Tone row.
Q: How do you annoy a natural hornist?
A: Tone row.
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Dorsetmike
Member
An elderly farmer was in the Emergency Ward having stitches put in his hand, due to an accident with a piece of machinery. The doctor carrying out the procedure struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'Post Tortoise' was?
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer, seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face, continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb fool put him up there to begin with."
The old farmer said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'Post Tortoise' was?
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer, seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face, continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb fool put him up there to begin with."
teddy
Duckmeister
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the (groin)?
Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the (groin).
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the (groin) is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the (groin)."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
teddy
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the (groin)?
Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the (groin).
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the (groin) is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the (groin)."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
teddy
marval
New member
A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner, where a policeman is standing.
"Officer," he asks, "Have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No I haven't, what is the problem?"
"The cheat ran out of my shop without paying."
"Does this man have any distinguishing features?" the officer asks.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He was carrying one of his ears in his left hand."
"Officer," he asks, "Have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No I haven't, what is the problem?"
"The cheat ran out of my shop without paying."
"Does this man have any distinguishing features?" the officer asks.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He was carrying one of his ears in his left hand."
Dorsetmike
Member
The blonde mortician
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.
The female mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She
points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in
blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a
blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in
a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an
excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'
she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made
no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.
The female mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She
points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in
blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a
blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in
a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit
fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an
excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!'
she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made
no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
teddy
Duckmeister
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
teddy
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
teddy
teddy
Duckmeister
WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE
About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving
another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting
programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and
electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the
economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by
spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China,
Taiwan or Sri Lanka
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
and Guatemala
* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed
prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and
night !
No need to thank me ... just glad I could be of help.
teddy
About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving
another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting
programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and
electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the
economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by
spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China,
Taiwan or Sri Lanka
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
and Guatemala
* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed
prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and
night !
No need to thank me ... just glad I could be of help.
teddy
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EddieRUKiddingVare
New member
^Now that's bad Teddy
In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Julia's hand in his right hand and Wayne's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Julia Gillard spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Julia. "Amen", said Wayne.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
In Canberra an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the Prime Minister and the Treasurer before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Julia Gillard and Treasurer Wayne Swan would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Julia commented to Wayne, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT". Wayne agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Julia's hand in his right hand and Wayne's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Julia Gillard spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Julia. "Amen", said Wayne.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
EddieRUKiddingVare
New member
A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
EddieRUKiddingVare
New member
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
marval
New member
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for Peach Brandy.
One of his congretaion would make him a some each Christmas.
One year when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him he that he had to thank him for the Peach Brandy fron the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement, that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.
That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend Joe, for his kind gift of peaches, and the spirit in which they were given."
One of his congretaion would make him a some each Christmas.
One year when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him he that he had to thank him for the Peach Brandy fron the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement, that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.
That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend Joe, for his kind gift of peaches, and the spirit in which they were given."
Hawk Henries
New member
Zippy Zippy Doo ( to make message longer)