The Jokes Thread

marval

marval

New member
Paddy sets Murphy up on a blind date and says, "She is a lovely girl, but there is something you should know, she is expecting a baby."

Murphy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ok, I will give it a go."

The next day Paddy sees Murphy and says, "How did it go last night then?"

Murphy replies "Not too good. She was half an hour late and I felt a right idiot sat at the bar wearing just a nappy."
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee’s cell phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Hello.”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” the whisper answered.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the helicopter.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…”ME.!!”
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
4 ladies have always played golf together every Thursday afternoon for years- they started when they were all single and have played every Thursday afternoon pretty much since then- now they're all a lot older, married with grand children but still every Thursday they play a round of golf then have a couple of beers in the bar before going off and promising to meet next Thursday

One day one of them seems a bit subdued so one of them asks her what's wrong, she takes a deep breath and says "I've known you all for so long and you're my closest friends and if I've got to tell someone it would be you...no one else knows....okay everyone thinks I'm a respectable pillar of society, I'm a JP, my husband is a company director, we want for nothing I can afford dresses that cost thousands but I'm addicted to shoplifting, doesn't matter what it is, what it costs I just can't help myself, I have wardrobes of clothes and shoes still with the labels on that I'll never wear, I live in dread of getting caught but I'm addicted"

Another woman says "Okay if we're all being honest and telling things we've never told anyone if it makes you feel better, look at me, I'm married to a Methodist minister who regularly preaches against the evils of alcohol, he just about tolerates my having 2 beers on a Thursday but he and no-one else knows I'm addicted to alcohol. I fill mineral water bottles with vodka to fool him, I hide it all round the house in places he'd never look, I keep a couple of bottles in my car, I had half a bottle before we started playing today and after I leave her I'll stop off at a bar for some more drinks, then get some more booze from the offy, I usually drink vodka because it doesn't smell on your breath but I'm not fussy as long as it contains booze. I worry what it's doing to my health, I'm terrified I'll kill someone when I'm drinking and driving but I'm addicted"

A third woman says "Since we're sharing of darkest secrets that no-one else knows because we are all best friends. Okay.....I'm a well respected doctor in this town with a thriving practice and my husband is the mayor and talking about running for parliament everyone says he should...but if my secret were to get out he'd be laughed out of town. I'm addicted to sex. I've had all your husbands more than once....On my wedding day I had sex with the best man in the vestry just before the service I even had sex with 2 of the bridesmaids while we were in the car going to the church then I had sex with the best man again while everyone was posing for photos. It's got nothing to do with not getting what I want from my husband we make love 3 times a night but I'm addicted. I go to bars and pick up men and women, I like threesomes, doesn't matter what they look like. I worry about catching something and infecting my husband and I worry that the local press will find out but I'm addicted"

The fourth woman gets up and starts walking away from the table and one of them says "Where are you going?"

"I'm a compulsive gossip and I've got to find a phone"
 
marval

marval

New member
“Send someone over quickly!” the old woman screamed into the phone.

“Two naked men are climbing towards my bedroom window!”

“This is the Fire Department, lady,” the voice replied.

“I’ll have to transfer you to the Police Department.”

“No, it’s YOU I want!” she yelled. “They need a longer ladder!”
 
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teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
GOOD NEWS

VIAGRA now comes in tea bags

BAD NEWS

It does not improve your performance

GOOD NEWS

It stops your biscuits going soggy when you dunk them

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question.

"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air, "He is an artist." One little boy said.

Really, how did you know that?" the teacher asked.

"You know, Our father who does art in Heaven."
 
EddieRUKiddingVare

EddieRUKiddingVare

New member
Umbert high high high on horse was made make to Horfnine travel and spirited on by early earl and dunky duke to greet and tell tales of his most spack-dacky advances. Finalmente, a task befitting the stalwartsnoad of Walsnoad Walsnoad Walnope Bison bison bison Brigade, great hero of westly west worlds west west and winds. Of course on the field it was not unreasonabtus tus tus to expect qua un ununun quo ana narsum restumius ters ma almium senbudiensis and in that way it was possible to enjoy the ride despite the discomfort afforded by horses to men. Iries iastuniam dalaris mensur orumarte mors munim maxus, these were the words the horse spoke on its side and ride Umbert did around on it that way the way befitting the words that was because one must never not. Walsnoad was a danger dilt rooa back that way away yesterday and Horfnine a glinting goose on the east horizona mna unrianwan nwnámn orsunsinemna chórisnrabr and it seemed to Umbert that it wererer entirely possiente to reach it by daunt, but then it would be so early even as to early earl catch besleep, and so campuccino made did he and good it was for cloud cover, else it be like the wife in bed eh lads eh eh eh eh eh. Mornate was fast as well it should be in the morning and breakfast he did not for Horfnine lay at the foot of Umbert's view across the land and and and in the back Mount Able still visignt and detaint a west way walks. "Ride!" Umbert saith and with that horsey words on to Horfnine did go without crumbling also, for he did not enjoy it last time.
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Or as they say in Iceland:
Umbert hár hár hár á hestinum var gert til Horfnine ferðalög og spirited á eftir snemma jarli og dunky Duke að fagna og segja sögur af flestum sínum spack-dacky framfarir. Finalmente, verkefni befitting að stalwartsnoad af Walsnoad Walsnoad Walnope Bison Bison Bison Brigade, frábær hetja westly vestur veröld vestur vestur og vindum. Auðvitað á sviði það var ekki unreasonabtus TUS TUS að búast hæfur un ununun Quo Ana narsum restumius kvæði MA almium senbudiensis og á þann hátt var hægt að njóta á ferðinni þrátt fyrir óþægindi tryggingu sem hestum til manna. Iries iastuniam dalaris mensur orumarte Mors Munim maxus, þetta voru orð að hesturinn talaði á hlið hennar og ríða Umbert gerði í kring um það þannig að leiðin befitting orð sem var vegna þess að eitt verður aldrei ekki. Walsnoad var hætta dilt rooa aftur þannig burtu í gær og Horfnine a glinting gæs á austur horizona MNA unrianwan nwnámn orsunsinemna chórisnrabr og þótti Umbert að wererer algjörlega possiente að ná því með daunt, en þá væri það svo snemma, jafnvel eins við snemma jarli afla besleep, og svo campuccino gerði gerði hann og gott að það var fyrir kápa ský, annars það að vera eins og kona í rúminu ha piltar ha ha ha ha ha. Mornate var hratt og vel það ætti að vera á morgun og morgunmat hann gerði ekki Horfnine lá við rætur mati Umbert víða um land og og og í bak Mount Fær samt visignt og detaint vestur göngutúra leið. "Ride!" Umbert segir og að horsey orð á að Horfnine gerði fara án þess að crumbling líka, því að hann var ekki alveg síðast.
 
EddieRUKiddingVare

EddieRUKiddingVare

New member
Are you very sure about that ..........

The travel suffer high high high horse to watch Noah and spirited after early Earl dunky and the Duke to celebrate and stories progress spack most tell dacky. Final Mente, befitting task stalwartsnoad of Walsnoad Walsnoad Walnope Bison Bison Bison Brigade, the super hero westly western world behind and west winds. Of course, in the field he was not qualified TUS TUS unreasonabtus delight un quo expected Ana seminars poem restumius senbudiensis MA Almira and therefore he was able to enjoy the trip despite the discomfort horses for people with insurance. Irie iastuniam Dalarna Mens Santorum ARTE Mors Munim maxus, the words were spoken side of the horse and suffering around him that the words befitting way regardless. Termination Walsnoad dilt rooa again so away yesterday and goose watched Nine east glinting snot Women Zona unrianwan nwnámn orsunsinemna chórisnrabr and seemed to tolerate the full wererer remove odor out possiente, but even he would soon the besleep supplies Earl soon, and it was so good he did campuccino and cloud cover, otherwise it will be like a woman bed boys ha ha ha ha ha ha. Mornate was quickly and should be a good breakfast this morning and it was not Noah set up the view across the country are suffering, and still in the back of Mount Capable walks visignt and detaint way back. "Ride!" Numbers and words say horsey also to watch Noah was to go without crumbling, did not last long.
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel..
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Who was who in 1923 and what became of them


In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2.. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?



These men were considered some of the world’s most successful of their days.

Now, 88 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,

died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,

went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,

was released from prisonto die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,

died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,

shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,

also committed suicide

However,
In that same year, 1923,
the winner of the worlds most important road race,
the Isle of Man T.T.,
was

Stanley Woods.

What became of him?


He won 10 T.T. races between 1923 and 1939,
He lived on the Isle of Man and rode motorcycles all his life. He lapped the island circuit at 82 mph in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee) aged 54
He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90.



The Moral:

Bugger work – ride motorbikes.

teddy

 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Oscar Pistorius

If he gets off this charge it will be the closest shave anyone has had with only 2 blades.

teddy
 
Hawk Henries

Hawk Henries

New member
​These are supposedly true accounts of happenings in the court room:

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan !
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? _________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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marval

marval

New member
A blonde walked into a pet store, and after looking up and down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.

"I would like a box of birdseed," she said.

"For which kind of bird?" the clerk asked helpfully.

"Oh I don't know," she replied. "Whichever will grow the fastest please."
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Whats the difference between driving a Skoda and sticking your hand in Kylie Minogues blouse?

You fell a bigger booby driving a Skoda.

teddy
 
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