The Jokes Thread

[marval]

"Doctor, you have got to help my husband," a farmer's wife said frantically.

"He thinks he's a racehorse.

He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours and he even eats hay."

"I'm sure I can cure him," the doctor replied, "but it'll be very costly."

"Oh, money's no object," she responded. "He's already won two races."

 

[JHC]

The BBC National Orchestra of Wales will perform a series of free concerts in Cardiff on February 26 and 27, which aim to make orchestral music accessible to deaf and hard of hearing adults and children.

 

[teddy]

What will be next? Mime shows for the blind?

teddy

 

[musicteach]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Betcha the liar told you I was speeding too.

 

[ericwood992]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing
every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On
and on and on she went about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well," the husband replied "I can drop her off here on Mondays and
Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

 

[ericwood992]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting
back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their
elderly mother.

The first said "I built a big house for our mother". The second said
"I sent her a mercedes with a driver". The third smiled and said "I've
beaten you both. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And
you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable
parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12
years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mamma just has to name the
chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks. "Milton", she
wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house".

"Gerald", she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My
eyesight isn't what it used to be..I stay most of the time at home, so
I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude".

"Dearest Donald", she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense
to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious".

 

[ericwood992]

Sleeping with Mick
​

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.





The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?”




He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”




He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.




"Good morning!" he said.




They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"




He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the bum and kissed him good night on the lips.


Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom!
​

 

[marval]

I was walking along the pavement and there was this sign that said,"Pavement ahead closed. Please use other side."
It made me cross.


I've been cycling to work for a month now.
You'd think I would've got there by now.


I've just taken up speed reading. Last night I did war and peace in 20 seconds.
I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!


I wonder who'd be better at playing Hamlet. A fat actor or a skinny actor?
Tubby or not tubby?


So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."


My great grandfather once paid a famous artist to draw a portrait of him.
Unfortunately the artist died half way through and never got to finish the work, so that was a waste of Monet.


Somebody closed the lid on my piano. Now I can't open it because the keys are inside.


I've quit my new job as a postman.
They handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:"This isn't for me."

 

[ericwood992]

A few thoughts to cheer you up on a Monday morning:

A thief stole a calendar. He got 12 months.

A will is a dead giveaway.

When you've seen one shopping centre.....you've seen a mall.

Prophesy is very difficult, especially if it's about the future.

When my grandfather died he left a collection of 2500 clocks. It took months to wind up his estate.

 

[ericwood992]

Can YOU tell the gendre of a fly?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?" He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone".

 

[ericwood992]

Apologies for the colour of text in last post

My apologies for the text of my last post appearing in blue, making it almost illegible.

I copied and pasted this from my source, attempting to change the text colour by using the panel of editing tools above the message. It didn't work!! Can anyone advise me why and if possible, offer a solution for the future please?

 

[Dorsetmike]

To change colour first highlight the text you wish to change, (hold left click and move cursor over the text), next click on the big A with a down arrow beside it and select the colour you want. - sorted. If you don't highlight nowt happens, same with any of the text attributes, bold, Underline and italic, font style and size.

 

[ericwood992]

Thanks Mike - I'll know next time!! Hope you're ok now.
Eric.

 

[Mat]

Hey Eric, Mike pretty much nailed it. I will only add that changing the colour to "Automatic" is usually the best solution.

 

[Dorsetmike]

Only point with automatic is it comes out the default off white, if you need a different colour for emphasis etc you need to select it specifically.

 

[Dorsetmike]

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"

An Irishman wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the bejasus out of them!!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

 

[ericwood992]

Spanish Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.




While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling,



scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.




Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste!



Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'




The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor.



There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.



If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'




The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.






After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,



'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'




The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,



'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

 

[ericwood992]

A farmer was sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting drunk. A man came
in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down
next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "Today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over
the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?" the man asked.

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the
bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the
bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my
belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in.. Some things you just can't explain

 

[ericwood992]

Conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai ...



Iranian Air Defence Site:'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft:'This is a British aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defence Site:'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft:'This is a Royal Air Force GR4 Tornado fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defence Site:( ..... Total silence)

I love the RAF

 

[ericwood992]

The body builder takes off his shirt
And the blonde says,
"What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'
"What massive calves you have!'The body builder tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and
The blonde goes running out of the
Apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes
Back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why
She ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies,
'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
After I saw how short the fuse was!'