The Jokes Thread

[Dorsetmike]

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some photo kit for an upcoming shoot.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks ...
"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are married, I think it's time you quit Photography, shooting landscapes, and quitting your camera clubs. Maybe you should sell your cameras and tripod !"

Tim gets this horrified look on his face!

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

Tim replies, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife?!!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!!!"

Tim continues his packing & responds, "I wasn't."

 

[Dorsetmike]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.




When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America & de odder in Australia & here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ...... ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!

Tis me.......................






I've Quit Drinking

 

[teddy]

New for retired people

THE COLT PLAN

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to sell your house to pay for your nursing care. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison..... where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that they cannot afford to pay for your nursing care.

And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax.

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Is this not a great country ?teddy


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[Dorsetmike]

Does it have to be politicians, I can think of quite a few other candidates for extermination.

 

[teddy]

No. The most useless must go first. Once you have got some decent people running the country, who actually want to do the best for the people most of the other problems will disappear

teddy

 

[marval]

Yes, regarding older people.


Proof of who is not important in our country.

Healthcare



Two patients limp into two different surgeries with the same complaint.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

The second patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Senior Citizen.

The second is a Golden Retriever.

 

[Dorsetmike]

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no
sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...
''Yes," was his incredulous reply..
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.

 

[ericwood992]

If, like me, you're not so good at TELLING jokes, please watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nkC9DiWTKg&feature=endscreen&NR=1

PLEASE!

 

[JHC]

Yep a good one eric........

 

[teddy]

Its the way you tell 'em

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

We recently spent a lot of money on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

Good grief! The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbour's cows!He's been breeding with just about everything in sight. He's like amachine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him but they taste like peppermint.

 

[Dorsetmike]

Best one for some time!

A recent article in the Express & Star reported that a woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex



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A hospital spokesman replied,“The man was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...!!!!!!!”

 

[teddy]

Ok, lets get them out of the way !!



Tesco to open 5p down today – but the weakness is not expected to last furlong…

Reading the label on these Tesco burgers.... it turns out they're fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar.

Just got a batch of 200 Tesco beef burgers cheap, it only cost me a Pony

Despite the scandal Tesco say their burger sales remain stable

I'm not going to eat any more Tesco burgers...last time I had one they gave me the trots...

New kids food found in budget supermarket: My Lidl pony..

I've found it tough lately working on the Tesco meat counter.... I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse

Just went to get my tesco's burgers out the freezer... and they're off!

"hamburgers" is an anagram of shergar's bum

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

I'm not going to eat any more Tesco burgers...last time I had one they gave me the trots...

Mine gave me galloping gut rot

Tesco have a promotion with triple club card points on petrol and value burgers - it's called "Only Fuels and Horses".

 

[marval]

Tesco's have released a new liqueur to complement their range of burgers, they're calling it 'Red Rum'.

If you think Tescos are having a hard time about the horseburgers, you want to try Icelands quarter pandas!

 

[Dorsetmike]

At the heavenly gates

The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

 

[ericwood992]

The Hit Man


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind
if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do
you do for a living?"
"I'm an assassin, a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of
his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait
a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her... He's naked, too!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his private parts off to
teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand
here..."

 

[ericwood992]

One day a man decided to retire....

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people,
no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.


After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day
when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island
where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a
row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some
raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the
bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln,
it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools
and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.


So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat...
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.
"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.
How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts,
and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"


When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines,
each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
"We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?
She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes . . .





"YOU'VE BUILT A GOLF COURSE?"
:grin:

 

[Dorsetmike]

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok Security crap,

I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

None the less, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.




I hate this getting older!!!

 

[Dorsetmike]

Not all new, but still funny

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight(brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab Shreik wears on his head.