The Jokes Thread
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- Start date
teddy
Duckmeister
"Honey," said a husband to his wife, "I invited a friend over for dinner."
"What?! Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?"
"Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
teddy
"What?! Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?"
"Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
teddy
musicteach
New member
I share with you some of the band directors rules:
Rule #359:
If you let the people at the fast food place know you're the band director, they will spit in your food.
Rule #57:
Percussion have this constant urge to beat on things. If they are not trying to beat something, something is wrong: send a search party.
Rule #36:
You're a band director, not a jedi. Therefore let's try not to throw your baton, okay?
Rule #75:
Needs more cowbell!
Rule #359:
If you let the people at the fast food place know you're the band director, they will spit in your food.
Rule #57:
Percussion have this constant urge to beat on things. If they are not trying to beat something, something is wrong: send a search party.
Rule #36:
You're a band director, not a jedi. Therefore let's try not to throw your baton, okay?
Rule #75:
Needs more cowbell!
teddy
Duckmeister
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
teddy
teddy
marval
New member
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair.Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his speech.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair.Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his speech.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
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marval
New member
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
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Dorsetmike
Member
Do jewish catholics sing OY VEY MARIA?
Dorsetmike
Member
What the cluck?
Medical Association Researchers have found that Patients needing blood
transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Medical Association Researchers have found that Patients needing blood
transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Dorsetmike
Member
Wife treats hubby by taking him to a lap dance club for his birthday.
Doorman says "Ok, Dave how's tricks?" wife asks "how does he know you?" Dave says "err I play football with him".
Inside, the barman says "usual Dave ?" Dave says to his wife "before you say it, he's on the darts team in the local !"
Next a lap dancer says "Hi Dave, do you want the special again ?"
Wife storms out dragging Dave with her and jumps in a Taxi, the driver says..
"Strewth Dave, you've pulled a right dog this week !!!!! "
Doorman says "Ok, Dave how's tricks?" wife asks "how does he know you?" Dave says "err I play football with him".
Inside, the barman says "usual Dave ?" Dave says to his wife "before you say it, he's on the darts team in the local !"
Next a lap dancer says "Hi Dave, do you want the special again ?"
Wife storms out dragging Dave with her and jumps in a Taxi, the driver says..
"Strewth Dave, you've pulled a right dog this week !!!!! "
marval
New member
How well do you know Your Carols?
A teacher asked her students to write the words to their favourite Christmas Carols.
She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer. (All of the other reindeer)
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
A teacher asked her students to write the words to their favourite Christmas Carols.
She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer. (All of the other reindeer)
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You'll go down in listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
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marval
New member
A couple wre checking in for their international flight, when the husband turned to his wife and said "bother, I should have packed the piano."
She turned to him and said, "Are you crazy? What is that supposed to mean?"
He replies sheepishly, "I left the passports on top of the piano."
She turned to him and said, "Are you crazy? What is that supposed to mean?"
He replies sheepishly, "I left the passports on top of the piano."
teddy
Duckmeister
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musicteach
New member
So these that I posted earlier are from a book a good friend of mine published....well in his basement.
"As band directors, and as educators of music, and students of life, we must remember two things: there will always be frustrating moments where we want to pull our hair out; and the number to the steam cleaners! We should always remember to budget in steam cleaning for the carpet in the band room. Otherwise, could luck passing a health inspection! No seriously, if the bio labs come to your class room looking for germs to grow, tell them to swipe the floor and the instruments. Speaking of instruments, no matter how much you try, there will always be students that chew gum and play school instruments at the same time. It's the same that at every year somebody goes to an NFL game with their buddies and pant their chest their team colours."
He printed it and only made a few copies. I absolutely love it. (It's 562 pages, by the by.) It's everything from the "rules" to stories etc etc. I'll share some more for you here:
"As band directors, and as educators of music, and students of life, we must remember two things: there will always be frustrating moments where we want to pull our hair out; and the number to the steam cleaners! We should always remember to budget in steam cleaning for the carpet in the band room. Otherwise, could luck passing a health inspection! No seriously, if the bio labs come to your class room looking for germs to grow, tell them to swipe the floor and the instruments. Speaking of instruments, no matter how much you try, there will always be students that chew gum and play school instruments at the same time. It's the same that at every year somebody goes to an NFL game with their buddies and pant their chest their team colours."
marval
New member
A large two-engine train was crossing the north island of New Zealand.
After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.
"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time.
The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.
"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time.
The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
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teddy
Duckmeister
NOT REALLY FUNNY
After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ......."Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, and ... I'm sleeping with a 62-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
teddy
After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ......."Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, and ... I'm sleeping with a 62-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
teddy
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musicteach
New member
An elderly gentlemen went to the pond on his property with a bucket to collect some water. As he got closer, he heard the joviality of a few teenagers. When he came to the pond, he saw four lovely young ladies, naked as the day they were born swimming in the pond. They instantly screamed and swam to deeper waters. One of them shouted to the elderly man "We're not coming out until you leave!" The man replied back "Oh, don't worry about me, I'm not here to look at you young ladies. I'm just here to feed the alligators that live in the pond."
marval
New member
"Father Patrick!" I shouted to the elderly priest, "Father Patrick! It's good to see you again."
"Hello Brian," he responded by taking my outstretched hand."It's been a long time. I'm surprised you seem so pleased to see me.....after.....well, you know what happened the last time we were together."
I sensed his apprehension. "It's ok Father.. I don't blame you... It was my own fault."
"I wish I could feel the same," he said quietly. "But I should have known better."
He turned his head away from me slightly and said quietly, "I'm really sorry. If it's any consolation, I ask God for forgiveness every single night."
"Seriously Father.. It wasn't your fault."
"It's nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty."
"Don't," I replied, "I was the idiot who proposed to her."
"Hello Brian," he responded by taking my outstretched hand."It's been a long time. I'm surprised you seem so pleased to see me.....after.....well, you know what happened the last time we were together."
I sensed his apprehension. "It's ok Father.. I don't blame you... It was my own fault."
"I wish I could feel the same," he said quietly. "But I should have known better."
He turned his head away from me slightly and said quietly, "I'm really sorry. If it's any consolation, I ask God for forgiveness every single night."
"Seriously Father.. It wasn't your fault."
"It's nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty."
"Don't," I replied, "I was the idiot who proposed to her."
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