The Jokes Thread

[marval]

A young man finally got a job at the Post Office. He was full of energy and eager to please.

The supervisor agreed to work with the new employee, even though he had been warned that he was still immature and knew nothing of the job.

The first job the supervisor gives the young man is in sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, the new employee separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur.

The supervisor was very pleased and asked the young man to come into his office at the end of the day.

He said, "I just want you to know that we are all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

The humble young man said, "Thank you, sir. And tomorrow, I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"

The young man smiled proudly and said, "Tomorrow, I am going to read the addresses."

 

[teddy]

Pills The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get excited . You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills ! I'm looking for a place to live, can you help me? trddy

 

[JHC]

TOMMY COOPER

1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.' 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any. 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in. 6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.

 

[marval]

A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.

"What can I do for you, Father?"

"I'm collecting for the orphanage."

"Just a moment," says the little girl, closing the door.

The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another.

The little girl returns to the door and says:

"OK, you can take me now."

 

[marval]

I needed some exercise.


Was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill.
People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.


People are always telling me to get fit.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.


I've started a new exercise regime. 10 repeats of sit ups holding a carrot, 5 repeats of squats with a courgette in each hand, and 3 repeats of lifting a heavy sack of potatoes. Sadly, my efforts have so far been fruitless.


My exercise instructor gave a demonstration on how to lose weight.
I don't think he showed all the exercises though.
He skipped quite a lot.


I did a couple of laps around the gym today.
Maybe next time I'll actually park my car and go in.


I did double my morning exercise this morning.
I must stop forgetting things upstairs.


I think an ankle support is really good.
They make mine feel a lot better about themselves.


My husband told me he is leaving me because I treat my fitness like a game!
I nearly fell off my wii fit board!


I pulled a muscle in my neck today and I'm not sure how, I just can't get my head round it.


My local gym makes it extremely difficult for newcomers to join.
They're on the 27th floor with no lift.


My husband bought me a fitness DVD called "10 Steps to The Body You Deserve".
It should be pretty easy, it takes me 4 steps just to get to the DVD player.


My husband bought me an exercise bike for Christmas.
I used it for a bit but have stopped now as it wasn't getting me anywhere.

 

[teddy]

SEX AT 86



I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have

sex at 86.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 78.


So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side

teddy

 

[JHC]

Roger and Stan live there hope you have a good time

 

[teddy]

`Wrong road Colin. Thats where Mary, Theresa, Linda, Sophie and Jane live.

teddy

 

[teddy]

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As
most of you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've
never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident
which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure
where I got it.

teddy

 

[teddy]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,


"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the f**ing car! You do it, you SMUG b*****d!"

teddy

 

[marval]

Don’t you just love children.

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time.
The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice,"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you."


After listening restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a 6-year old boy asked his father what the preacher did the rest of the week.
"Oh he's a very busy man," the father replied.
"He takes care of church business,visits the sick, ministers to the poor, and then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, you know. "
"The boy thought about that, and then said, "Well, listening isn't easy, either."


A womn had been teaching her three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride as she carefully pronounced each word, right up to the end of the prayer.
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."


A mother was watching her four-year-old child playing outside in a small plastic pool half filled with water.
He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes. Suddenly, he stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.
"Why are you pouring the water out, Johnny?" the mother asked.
"'Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water won't work." The boy replied.


Pastor Stan Holdeman of Garden Baptist Church in Indiana went to an informal church gathering, wearing shorts and a T-shirt.
A little girl from a newly religious family; who had seen him only in his Sunday morning suits loudly proclaimed:
"Hey, preacher, you sure look different with clothes on!"


After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented: "The choir was awful this morning."
The father commented: "The sermon was too long."
Their seven year old daughter added: "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dime."



A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a four-year-old
Protestant girl in a children's pool in the backyard.
They splashed each other, go tvery wet and decided to take their wet clothes off.
The little boy looked at the little girl and said, "Golly, I didn'tknow there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants."

A priest was walking along the school corridor near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria.
One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked
at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him that he was a priest and that this is the uniform priests wear.
Then he pointed to the priest's little plastic collar insert and asked, "Does it hurt? Do you have a cut?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar insert looked like a plaster.
So the priest took it out to show him. On the back of the collar are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little boy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read.
Peering intently at the letters he said, "It says, 'Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

 

[teddy]

Fifty Sheds Of Grey....

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was
the only place for a good shed.

teddy

 

[teddy]

Fifty Sheds Of Grey....


"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the
shed roof."


teddy

 

[musicteach]

Love this.

 

[teddy]

Fifty Sheds Of Grey....


"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing her
stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.

teddy

 

[marval]

A blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time, found herself alone in a small waiting room.

She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.

Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his uncovered patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

 

[teddy]

Fifty Sheds Of Grey....


"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

 

[teddy]

Yoko ONO is going into television program I'M A CELEBRIRY, GET ME OUT OF HERE, as an advisor for the Bush Tucker Trials. Well, she has been living on a dead beatle for the last thirty two years.

teddy

 

[teddy]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on she went about neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well," the husband replied "I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

teddy

 

[teddy]

Robot for sale.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What ? At your age I didn't even know what porn was ."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son ."
The robot slaps the mother .

Robot for sale.

teddy