The Jokes Thread

marval

New member
A store manager overheard one of his salesmen talking to a customer.

"No sir,"said the salesman. We haven't had any for a while and it doesn't look like we'll be getting any soon."

The manager was horrified and yelled after the departing customer, "Come back next week.We're sure to have whatever it is you need."

Irate, he turned to his salesman, "Never tell a customer we're out of anything!

Now, what did he want?"

"Rain," answered the salesman.
 

marval

New member
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds,

"Don't touch me."

"Why not," he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
 

Dorsetmike

Member
[h=2]Dental dilemma[/h]
The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke with the toothache an anaesthetic injection.

“No way! No needles, I hate needles!” the guy said.

So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again.

“I can't do the gas thing either. The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”

She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.

“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”

She goes out and returns with a glass of water and a Viagra pill

The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”

“It doesn't” she said, "But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out."
 

teddy

Duckmeister
While in the swimming pool my wife suggested that we have a competition to see who could hold their breath under water for the longest.
I managed to hold her under for 24 minutes.

Beat that

teddy
 

marval

New member
Two men met in a pub, and got talking.

The first man started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

The second man said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

The first one said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

The second one said, "No, she's an optician."
 

teddy

Duckmeister
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."


teddy
 

marval

New member
A man was seriously injured in a car accident, severely damaging his legs. As soon as the emergency room doctor examined him, he knew one of the man's legs must be amputated. He was taken to surgery, where, due to an administrative error, the good leg was amputated.

The mistake was discovered while the man was in the recovery room, so he was taken back into surgery and the bad leg also amputated.


When the man found out what had happened from a nurse who was present during the entire procedure, the man decided to sue the doctor and the hospital.


He consulted the best attorney in town, who, after going over the man's claim, advised him against seeking damages.


"What," the man exclaimed, "this is the most clear cut case of outright negligence I have ever heard of."



"That may be true," the lawyer replied, "but frankly you don't have a leg to stand on."


 
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JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Two men in a pub one got up to leave and couldn't resist stroking the others bald head saying"nice and smooth, it's just like my wife's bum" the other replied "yes isn't it"
 

marval

New member
What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?

A bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed.

A married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
 

teddy

Duckmeister
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a
conmd *m when you run?'

Nope..just when it's raining.'

teddy

Don@ know why the word cond*m has been censored
 
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marval

New member
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping centre.

Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.

By her agitated state of mind and angry demeanour, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have, you'll be home in no time."
 

teddy

Duckmeister
Took the wife to the disco last weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips....you know....."the works".
My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still celebrating....!!!

teddy
 

teddy

Duckmeister
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION







The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.


And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'


And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'


'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,








'Please .....
Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?


teddy
 

marval

New member
A young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"



The Baptist preacher had just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church.

After shaking a few adult hands he cam eupon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.

"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan’s hand.

As he was doing so he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand."What's this?" the preacher asked.

"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"

"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.

"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."
 

teddy

Duckmeister
Can't eat pork, Swine flu...
Can't eat chicken, Bird flu.
Can't eat Beef, Mad cow....
Can't eat eggs, Salmonella.
Can't eat fish, heavy metal poisons in their waters.

Can't eat fruits and veggies,

insecticides and herbicides.
Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!! !!!!!!!

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

M

M
I believe that leaves Chocolate and ice cream!!!!!!!!

teddy






 

marval

New member
A priest concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church store room; he discovered several boxes of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for £10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Nick all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Nick who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.


Poor Nick stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Nick, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the £200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!” the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."


Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's £280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Nick and said, "And Nick, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Nick silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this? Nick, there's £3,200 in here. Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Nick just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison."We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Nick."

Nick shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-forsh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Nick, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Nick replied.


"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten p-p-p-pounds ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-readit t-to y-y-you?"

 
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marval

New member
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"

 

teddy

Duckmeister
The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
One from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from Nuh Zulland.




Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.



The night of tales and lies begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'


Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian s**** slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from its body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'


Colin, the Tough Australian, remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his p*nis.

I didn't make the names up. Honestly.

teddy

 
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