The Jokes Thread
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marval
New member
Mary called her old friend, Mrs. Cooper on her 101st birthday to ask how she planned to celebrate her big day.
Mrs. Cooper replied cheerfully, "My children will be coming to stay with me for the weekend."
Mary said, "I am sure you are looking forward to that."
“Of course,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "but it's a lot of work, cleaning and dusting, making up their beds.”
Mary said, “Why don't you let the children do it when they are arrive?"
"Oh no, I couldn't do that,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "they're all in their in their 80s!"
Mrs. Cooper replied cheerfully, "My children will be coming to stay with me for the weekend."
Mary said, "I am sure you are looking forward to that."
“Of course,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "but it's a lot of work, cleaning and dusting, making up their beds.”
Mary said, “Why don't you let the children do it when they are arrive?"
"Oh no, I couldn't do that,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "they're all in their in their 80s!"
marval
New member
Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't got the license number. "What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."
At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"
"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."
At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"
teddy
Duckmeister
Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked ,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't
Called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'
teddy
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked ,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't
Called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'
teddy
marval
New member
On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to door to invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on one door, it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."
Dorsetmike
Member
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won.
Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won.
Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
marval
New member
A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results.
Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.
Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered.
After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallowed the pill, and sat down to wait.
Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.
"Okay," he said, "Just drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."
Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.
Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered.
After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallowed the pill, and sat down to wait.
Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.
"Okay," he said, "Just drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."
marval
New member
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do yousometimes wish you were more assertive?
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You will notice the benefits ofTequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you willd iscover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila.................: Leave Shyness Behind!
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacistabout Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident aboutyourself and your actions.
Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits ofTequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you willd iscover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila.................: Leave Shyness Behind!
marval
New member
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed.
So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband.
On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the woman rolls out.
As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband.
On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two make passionate love and afterwards the woman rolls out.
As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
teddy
Duckmeister
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life,
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure that I'm well fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
teddy
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life,
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure that I'm well fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
teddy
Dorsetmike
Member
Top 10 funniest jokes from the Fringe Festival 2012
1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name?.......................... Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.............. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don't know why."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics ---------- I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon,------------- but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.--------------- Riveting."
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained:----------------- 'It's not rocket salad'."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn't fancy her chances."
1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name?.......................... Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.............. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don't know why."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics ---------- I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon,------------- but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.--------------- Riveting."
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained:----------------- 'It's not rocket salad'."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn't fancy her chances."
teddy
Duckmeister
In case you were wondering:
- People born before 1946 were called The Silent Generation.
- People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.
- People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.
- People born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
teddy
- People born before 1946 were called The Silent Generation.
- People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.
- People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.
- People born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
teddy