The Jokes Thread

marval

marval

New member
teddy said:
Kindly leave the stage

teddy
Click to expand...

I will exit stage left, but before I go.


A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Will I live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I
will soon turn Sixty -Two).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no, I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...


He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a s**t?

teddy (if a little of what you fancy does you good, a lot must be really good for you)
 
marval

marval

New member
Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them.

Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishop's room and then say to him, "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked.

He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Whats the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead politician in the road?

There will be skid marks before the dog.

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run Jane kept hinting to Dick, her husband that he needed to get it fixed.

However, for some reason the message wasn't sinking in.

She finally thought of a clever way to make the point. When Dick arrived home that day, he found her seated in the tall grass busily
clipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house. Jane thought she had again failed to get his attention.

He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush saying, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the grass up."
 
marval

marval

New member
Jupiter came down to Earth one day and decided to help two criminals rob a bank.

Anyway, to make a long story short, they got caught and the three of them found themselves in court.

The judge sentenced the two earthlings to fifteen years, and Jupiter was a bit shocked when he was sentenced to ten years.

"But your honour" said Jupiter, "I didn't even take part in the robbery!"

"Yes" said the judge. "But you helped them ...Planet!"
 
marval

marval

New member
An old woman says to her friend: “You know, last night I was shivering all over from cold.”

Her friend asked: “Do you remember if your teeth chattered?”

The old woman Said,“I don’t think so. We haven’t slept together for ages.”
 
marval

marval

New member
A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.

"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you.

The men on this floor are almost well."
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Chancellor Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Poland:

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

teddy
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
On another forum I see there is a new Irish whiskey being launched named Titanic, have some ice with it, it goes down very well
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
A woman is at home, naked as the day she was born, happily jumping on her bed
and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think.
I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said that not only am I
healthy, but that I also have the breasts of a 30 year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 60-year old @ss?"

'Your name never came up,' she replied.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top