JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Psssss don't mention the War^^
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
marval
New member
Two prisoners were making their escape over the jailhouse roof when one of them dislodged a tile.
"Who's there?" shouted a guard.
The first prisoner replied with a convincing imitation of a cat's meow.
Reassured, the guard went back to his rounds.
But then the second prisoner dislodged another tile.
The guard repeated, "Who's there?"
The prisoner answered, "The other cat!"
"Who's there?" shouted a guard.
The first prisoner replied with a convincing imitation of a cat's meow.
Reassured, the guard went back to his rounds.
But then the second prisoner dislodged another tile.
The guard repeated, "Who's there?"
The prisoner answered, "The other cat!"
marval
New member
At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician`s wife noticed another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband.
It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.
At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, 'Look, lady!
My husband just delivers babies, he doesn`t install them!'
It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.
At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, 'Look, lady!
My husband just delivers babies, he doesn`t install them!'
Dorsetmike
Member
I bumped into Angela Merkel in the chemist. She was buying loads of shampoo. I asked
"What on earth are you doing buying so much shampoo?"
She replied
"I just can't get this Greece out of my hair."
(Sorry Panos)
"What on earth are you doing buying so much shampoo?"
She replied
"I just can't get this Greece out of my hair."
(Sorry Panos)
marval
New member
A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down to a town some distance away, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return,and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy!
They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"
She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return,and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy!
They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"
marval
New member
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.
The other night I was woken up.
There was a man at the bottom of my drive trying to steal my gate.
I opened the window but I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.
The other night I was woken up.
There was a man at the bottom of my drive trying to steal my gate.
I opened the window but I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.
Dorsetmike
Member
[h=2]
The Jewish Fire Department[/h] One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the hellish flames held the heroic firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard and then suddenly thundered as a lone fire truck came over the hill top and into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine screeched right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement and disbelief as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave Jewish fire fighters personally. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
Vell," said Moishe Epstein, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist ting ve gonna do is ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
fix da brakes on dat frigging truck!"
But the hellish flames held the heroic firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard and then suddenly thundered as a lone fire truck came over the hill top and into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine screeched right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement and disbelief as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave Jewish fire fighters personally. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
Vell," said Moishe Epstein, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da foist ting ve gonna do is ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
fix da brakes on dat frigging truck!"
marval
New member
A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill.
The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he has Hepatitis B.
“But how can this be,” he cries, “I’m only a paper bag”.
“Well, have you had unprotected sex in the last year?”, asks the doctor.
“No, how can I?” he shouts, “I’m only a paper bag.”
“How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that?”
“I’ve said to you before,” the paper bag sobs, “How can I? I’m only a paper bag.”
“Ah,” says the doctor shaking his head sadly, “As Isuspected – your mother must have been a carrier.”
The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he has Hepatitis B.
“But how can this be,” he cries, “I’m only a paper bag”.
“Well, have you had unprotected sex in the last year?”, asks the doctor.
“No, how can I?” he shouts, “I’m only a paper bag.”
“How about sharing needles, giving blood, anything like that?”
“I’ve said to you before,” the paper bag sobs, “How can I? I’m only a paper bag.”
“Ah,” says the doctor shaking his head sadly, “As Isuspected – your mother must have been a carrier.”
teddy
Duckmeister
The Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of the UK today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from the UK towards the Middle East.
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to the Middle East so as to be able to return to the UK as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate BRITISH pensioners.
The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and
fuel and assisted them on their journey.
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to the Middle East so as to be able to return to the UK as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate BRITISH pensioners.
The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and
fuel and assisted them on their journey.
We are booking the next boat out, let me know if you want to come.
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
I always had my suspicions
VictorFMadsen
New member
U do not know somthing?
Ans: Google it!
U do not know someone?
Ans: Facebook it!
You do not find something? . . . . .
MUMMY!!! !!!!!!!!
Some things, never change. .....
Ans: Google it!
U do not know someone?
Ans: Facebook it!
You do not find something? . . . . .
MUMMY!!! !!!!!!!!
Some things, never change. .....
marval
New member
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing nappies.
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one.
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife.
"I didn't mean the next nappy. I meant the next baby."
"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one.
The next time came around and she asked again.
The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife.
"I didn't mean the next nappy. I meant the next baby."
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God and I've put life on it I 'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to an island and said, "What's that one?"
"That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from New Zealand are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance...."
God smiled, "Close to New Zealand is Australia .. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God and I've put life on it I 'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to an island and said, "What's that one?"
"That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from New Zealand are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance...."
God smiled, "Close to New Zealand is Australia .. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."
Dorsetmike
Member
I bet there will be a few alterations to that line when reposted elsewhere, England/Ireland, Yorkshire/Lancashire, Dublin/Kerry, Canada/Newfoundland etc.
teddy
Duckmeister
*Subject:* *DOCTOR . . . . . .
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical
activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some
pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers "
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," he replied,
"I'm just a s**t golfer".
teddy
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical
activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some
pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers "
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," he replied,
"I'm just a s**t golfer".
teddy
marval
New member
Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."
She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it.
Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."
She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it.
Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
I hope so Mike but aussie and NZ have a long history of slagging off each other in a joking kind of way and we do make exceptions for the inbred retards. :grin:
Dorsetmike
Member
[h=2]A Cure for Snoring[/h]
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot....
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing,hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man..
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the @ss, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."... ... ... ... ... ... ... With age comes wisdom.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing,hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man..
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the @ss, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."... ... ... ... ... ... ... With age comes wisdom.