The Jokes Thread

[marval]

John Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks,boss," he says "I knew I could count on you!"

 

[teddy]

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER.
Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6

Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn
your ass tomorrow.- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

teddy

 

[teddy]

A local thief who the police have been after for years last week was arrested after stealing a combined harvester. He is expected to be bailed tomorrow.



teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

Prime Minister Cameron walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Cameron: "Truthfully, I did not ring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Cameron, the Prime Minister of Great Britain !!!"

Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID."

Cameron: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Cameron: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look Prime Minister this is what we can do: One day Justin Rose came into the bank without ID.
To prove he was Justin Rose he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.
With that shot we knew him to be Justin Rose and cashed his cheque.




Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..
So, Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister of Britain ?"


Cameron stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind."" I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Prime Minister?"

 

[marval]

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news programme.

He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.

One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

 

[marval]

The Aussie Version of Creation


In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach..... And BBQ's......

He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans, chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good.....

Well.... Almost good....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.

It was better than that, it was Awesome!

 

[Dorsetmike]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....





'Go get your Mother'

 

[marval]

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone.

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbour back.

"Good morning, Mr.Williams, I Just called to say that I don't have a dog."

 

[marval]

Julian and Michelle were newlyweds.

Julian thought this would be a modern marriage, meaning they would each play equal roles. So, the first morning after their honeymoon, he brought Michelle breakfast in bed.

However, Michelle wasn't at all impressed by his culinary skills. Looking disdainfully at the tray, she snorted, "A poached egg? I wanted scrambled!"

Undaunted, the following morning, Julian brought his new bride a scrambled egg.

Unfortunately, Michelle wasn't satisfied. "Did you ever stop to think that perhaps I like variety?" she snapped. "I wanted poached this morning!"

Determined to please her, the next morning, he brought her two eggs .one poached and one scrambled.

"Here, my darling, enjoy," he said cheerfully.

Michelle was infuriated. "You scrambled the wrong egg!" she screamed.

 

[JHC]

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'..
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

 

[teddy]

A GERMAN TOURIST JUMPED IN THE FREEZING WATER AND SAVED MY PRECIOUS LITTLE DOG.
UPON GETTING BACK ON THE BRIDGE, HE CHECKED MY PUPPY OUT AND TOLD ME,
"ZE DOG IS OK. HE VILL BE FINE."
Due to His selfless heroic act, I ASKED, "ARE YOU A VET?"
HE REPLIED, "VET? I'M ******* SOAKING!"

teddy​

 

[teddy]

In spite of the cost of living, it’s still very popular.

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

A small church had an attractive organist whose breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done or they would fire this one and get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.

She warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said..."Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."

 

[marval]

Nicholas and Brenda had been married a long time. They had a luxurious fishing boat which they often used together, but it was Nicholas who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen if there was an emergency.

So one day out on the lake, Nicholas suddenly announced to Brenda, "Ok sweetheart, this is an emergency drill. Pretend that I am having a cardiac arrest. You must get the boat safely to shore."

Brenda was initially taken aback, but she soon composed herself and managed to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, Brenda walked into the living room where Nicholas was watching TV.

She sat down next to him, snatched the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him,"OK sweetheart, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a cardiac arrest.You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

 

[marval]

The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself any more.

He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like.

So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed and went out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant.

After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy.

After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great horror he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him.

Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.

“Isn’t that something,” says the leader after only a moment’s pause, “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”

 

[Contratrombone64]

Jupiter came down to Earth one day and decided to help two criminals rob a bank.

Anyway, to make a long story short, they got caught and the three of them found themselves in court.

The judge sentenced the two earthlings to fifteen years, and Jupiter was a bit shocked when he was sentenced to ten years.

"But your honour" said Jupiter, "I didn't even take part in the robbery!"

"Yes" said the judge. "But you helped them ...Planet!"

I'm amazed he wasn't told to stick it up Uranus ...

 

[marval]

Waiting in Line

I am listing below a host of reasons to thank to all the super-markets like Asda and Sainburys,for having 20 to 25 checkout lanes and only four open at any given point of time.

Waiting in long queues keeps my domestic brain from going completely redundant - there's so much to discover!

I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.

I have time to leave my trolley in line and run back to get the 16 things on my list I forgot.

I can be one of those irritating mobile phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my friends, mother-in-law, and Auntie Daisy.

I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.

I can assess what other people have in their trolleys and get exciting new dinner ideas.

I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.

I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.

I can update my coupon organizer and sort out my money in my purse.

I can practice my stand-up comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.

I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.

I can taste test my package of the newest chocolate biscuits.

I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner andI won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.

 

[Dorsetmike]

(amend participants to suit your location, e.g. substitute Welshman for Kiwi)

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village
And sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic)

'The sheep's a bluddy liar……'

 

[teddy]

The old ones are definitely the best Mike

teddy

 

[marval]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

However, a student nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet.

He insisted he didn't need any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the lift.

On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'