The Jokes Thread

marval

marval

New member
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears:

Bump.... BUMP... BUMP....

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street behind him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door,with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With aloud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,


The coffin stops.
 
Last edited:
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Paddy the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
Joe was a house keeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss’s liquor bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, James, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while. But when this became a daily routine, James decided to do something to trap Joe.

Accordingly, James replaced his drink with a French wine which changed colour when water was added to it. Joe, not aware of the trap, took a few swigs and added water as usual. The wine changed colour from red to milky white. Joe realized he was in for trouble but was determined to get out of it.

James told his wife about Joe’s misdoings and that he would make Joe accept his follies. So he shouted: “Joe? “

Joe answered from the kitchen: “Yes boss?”

James: “Who drank my wine and added water in the bottle?” There was no answer from the kitchen. The boss repeated the question, still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, “What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with ‘Yes Boss’ and when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What impertinence?”

Joe said: “It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called. You don’t hear anything else that is said, I swear.”

James: “How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong. You stay right here in the hall with Madam, I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question, OK?” So the boss went to the kitchen.

Joe shouted: “Boss?”

Boss: “Yes Joe?"

Joe: “Who becomes intimate with the maid in Madam’s absence?”

Silence - no reply.

Joe again: “Who made the maid pregnant?”

No reply.

Joe, yet again: “And who arranged for her abortion?”

James came running from the kitchen and said: “By George, you are right. When one is in kitchen, one can’t hear anything but one’s name. That’s strange!”
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Paddy calls Easy jet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your fecking plane!"


teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Jock and Mary are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mary says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Jock says "What's his name?"
Mary replies "Miles,............... from London !"
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
An Australian enters a chemist.
" Three packets of condoms please" he requests.
" Would you like a paper bag as well" asks the assistant.
" No its OK" replies the Australian " She's not that ugly"

teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

teddy (Bet you are wishing I was in the South of France)
 
marval

marval

New member
Murphy, O’Shea & Mulligan go for a job on a building site, but have been told beforehand that the foreman dislikes the Irish.

Murphy suggests to the other two that they give English sounding names. O’Shea goes in first to his interview, the foreman asks him his name, O'Shea looks out of the window & sees a Woolworth store. My name is F W Woolworth, get out shouts the foreman.

Mulligan goes in he gets the same question he looks out of the window and sees a shoe shop, my name is Freeman Hardy Willis, get out shouts the foreman.

Murphy is last in, an exasperated foreman asks what’s your name? Murphy has a good look out of window and replies Ken, thank goodness for that says the foreman, Ken who? Tuckey Fried Chicken says Murphy.
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir


The driver says, Sheesh officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?


The wife smiles demurely and says, You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, **** it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?


The officer frowns and says, And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.


The driver says, Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.


The wife says, Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, WHY DON'T You shut the **** up??


The officer looks over at the woman and asks,


Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma'am?





The wife says


Only when he's drunk.
 
marval

marval

New member
There was a bank robbery and the Chief of Police ordered the sergeant to cover all exit points so that none of the robbers could get away.

When the Sergeant reported to the Chief that all the robbers had escaped, the Chief went mad with anger & shouted, "Didn't I tell you to cover all the exit points??"

"I did," defended the sergeant, "but they managed to escape through the entrance."
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
New Goverment Symbol.

The government today announced that it is changing its symbol for Parliament to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.... A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
 Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!


teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a Fat bird - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.
Sex with an OAP - Saga !

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com!

teddy (this was a public service announcement)
 
marval

marval

New member
You know how irritating mobile phone users are when they fail to exercise discretion and think the world needs to know their business?

When you have enjoyed as much as you can stand, you can now get your own revenge!!!

After a busy day a man settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started up:-

"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that young lady from the typing pool, with the boss no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

This was still going on at Wimbledon, when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,

"Hey, Peter, turn that phone off and come back to bed!!"
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
A woman goes to her husband and says " Will you give me £6,000 for a bood job please. I would like bigger ones"
"You don't need to do that" he says. "Just kneel down in front of the sofa, lean forward and rest your boobs on the seat cushion and stay there all day"
"Will that make them bigger" she asks.

"Well" he replies "Its certainly worked on your backside"

teddy
 
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