The Jokes Thread

marval

marval

New member
In case you’ve had a rough day, here's an eight-step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological tests.



1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.

8. See? you're smiling already.
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Saw this fascinating program on television last night featuring all sorts of vegetable.

Think it was called the X Factor

teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers...







___________________________________




Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"




Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"




___________________________________







Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."




TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"




Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"




___________________________________







O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."




United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."




___________________________________







A student pilot became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"




Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."




__________________________________







A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:




"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."




___________________________________







Waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:




Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"




Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."




Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"




Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"




___________________________________







Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"




Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."




Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"




Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."




___________________________________







One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"




The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."




___________________________________







The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. The following exchange occurred between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.




Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."




Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."




The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.




Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"




Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."




Ground (with impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"




Speedbird 206: "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."




___________________________________







While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.




An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"




Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"




"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.




Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.




Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

teddy
















 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
A trainee air traffic controller is getting a lesson on giving incoming aircraft the local time

If it's Americam airlines tell them "a quarter after one"; British airways "it's one fifteen"; Aer Lingus or Ryanair " the big hand's on the three, the little hand's on the one"; South American "its Tuesday"
 
marval

marval

New member
Husband:Whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?

Wife: I just go and clean the toilet.

Husband: How does that help?


Wife: I use your toothbrush.
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Cherie Blair's Chauffeur.



Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.



Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving.. '
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '
'What on earth did you say? 'asks Cherie.
' I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.

teddy



​
 
marval

marval

New member
He had shown her his etchings and just about everything else of interest in his apartment, and as Jack poured the last martinis into their glasses; he realized that the moment of truth with Louise had arrived. He decided on the diret verbal attack.

"Tell me," he said smoothly, fingering a lock of her hair, "do you object to making love?"

She turned her lovely eyes up to his. "That's something I've never done," she said.

"Never made love?" cried Jack, appalled at the waste of magnificent raw material.

"No, silly," she said in soft rebuke. "Never objected".
 
Contratrombone64

Contratrombone64

Admiral of Fugues
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of whisky, and as a special treat occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, “I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy
 
marval

marval

New member
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship,"the husband explained.

"She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."

He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
My wife and I have found happiness by dineing out twice a week.



She goes on Tuesday and I go on Fridays

teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
My wife is like a good red wine.

Mature, full bodied..............................and often drunk.

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
Paddy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Paddy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English,but she did not speak his language

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner.....after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.


To this day, Paddy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
 
marval

marval

New member
Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.

However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in

that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said:

"Pardon?"
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven of course


At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.'

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;'
And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna' and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks
'Sara Pipalini;' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says
'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months.'


If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote:"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.

And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old...................................as long as she buys him enough drinks first.

teddy
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top