The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
Dorsetmike
Member
teddy
Duckmeister
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."
teddy
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want ?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."
teddy
marval
New member
Fella goes into his favourite delicatessen where the waiter immediately brings him a bowl of matzoh ball soup. Thecustomer signals the waiter to come back.
"Taste the soup!" he commands.
"Why?" inquires the surprised waiter.
"Taste the soup!" comes the reply.
"Max, you've been coming in here every day for ten years. There's never been anything wrong with the soup."
"Taste the soup!"
"What's wrong, too much salt--not enough salt?"
"Taste the soup!"
"What, the matzo balls aren't fluffy enough for you?"
"TASTE THE SOUP!"
The waiter finally agrees, "All right all right, I'll taste the soup! Where's the spoon?"
"A-HA!" chortles Max.
"Taste the soup!" he commands.
"Why?" inquires the surprised waiter.
"Taste the soup!" comes the reply.
"Max, you've been coming in here every day for ten years. There's never been anything wrong with the soup."
"Taste the soup!"
"What's wrong, too much salt--not enough salt?"
"Taste the soup!"
"What, the matzo balls aren't fluffy enough for you?"
"TASTE THE SOUP!"
The waiter finally agrees, "All right all right, I'll taste the soup! Where's the spoon?"
"A-HA!" chortles Max.
Dorsetmike
Member
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play Golf .
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an
elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping
along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself,
I still have one good arm to do things with.
There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk
so happy, and going on with his life.
There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk
so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms.
He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.
He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.
He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that
guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his
heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'
He said, 'I'm NOT happy.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
My balls itch.
marval
New member
Ella was feeling tired, worn down, sluggish, bereft of pep. Her get-up-and-go just got up and gone.
So, she scheduled her annual physical a little early this year.
When the doctor had completed the exhaustive examination.
He told Ella to meet him back in his office when she had finished dressing.
From behind his desk, the doctor said, "Well, I can't find any physiological reason for your problem, but I believe it's due to drinking."
"I'll bet you're right," replied Ella. "And, you know what? Ithink it's utterly shameful!"
"Now, now," said the doctor. "Millions of people have a problem with alcohol. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"It most certainly is!" Ella huffed, as she picked up her purse and stood to leave.
Pausing in the doorway, she shook her head sadly at the doctor and said,"I'll come back when you're sober."
So, she scheduled her annual physical a little early this year.
When the doctor had completed the exhaustive examination.
He told Ella to meet him back in his office when she had finished dressing.
From behind his desk, the doctor said, "Well, I can't find any physiological reason for your problem, but I believe it's due to drinking."
"I'll bet you're right," replied Ella. "And, you know what? Ithink it's utterly shameful!"
"Now, now," said the doctor. "Millions of people have a problem with alcohol. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"It most certainly is!" Ella huffed, as she picked up her purse and stood to leave.
Pausing in the doorway, she shook her head sadly at the doctor and said,"I'll come back when you're sober."
marval
New member
Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Oh,yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
"No,"the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine!"
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Oh,yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
"No,"the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine!"
Dorsetmike
Member
Socrates thoughts on gossip
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was having an affair with his wife.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was having an affair with his wife.
marval
New member
A man arrives at the theatre to see the latest production only to learn that it is completely sold out.
He finds an usher and pleads with him, "You must help me, I am a huge theatre fan. I’ve been to every opening night performance at this theatre for twenty years. I can’t bear to miss this play, is there any possible way you can find me a seat?"
The usher says he'll see what he can do.
A few minutes later the usher returns and tells the man he has found him a vacant seat. He leads him inside the theatre to be seated.
A few moments later the man is waving for the usher again.
He whispers to the usher, "This play is a mystery, and I love mysteries. But I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip."
The usher manages once again to find the man a seat, this time in the second row. As he seats him, the man hands the usher a fifty pence piece.
The usher looks at the fifty pence piece. leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
He finds an usher and pleads with him, "You must help me, I am a huge theatre fan. I’ve been to every opening night performance at this theatre for twenty years. I can’t bear to miss this play, is there any possible way you can find me a seat?"
The usher says he'll see what he can do.
A few minutes later the usher returns and tells the man he has found him a vacant seat. He leads him inside the theatre to be seated.
A few moments later the man is waving for the usher again.
He whispers to the usher, "This play is a mystery, and I love mysteries. But I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip."
The usher manages once again to find the man a seat, this time in the second row. As he seats him, the man hands the usher a fifty pence piece.
The usher looks at the fifty pence piece. leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
JHC
Chief assistant to the assistant chief
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused..
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile...
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused..
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile...
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
marval
New member
I know that it sounds too good to be true, but ...
The police busted a man selling Secret Formula tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through the files, the police noticed that the same man had been charged with the same criminal medical fraud four previous times:
In 1794, 1856, 1928, and 1983.
The police busted a man selling Secret Formula tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through the files, the police noticed that the same man had been charged with the same criminal medical fraud four previous times:
In 1794, 1856, 1928, and 1983.
marval
New member
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid.
So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches," and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her.
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light.
"No madam", said the gardener.
So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches," and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but had his way with her.
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light.
"No madam", said the gardener.