The Jokes Thread

[marval]

A college student writes to his parents...

Dear Mom and Dad,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another two hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son,
Johnnie.

P.S. I felt so terrible, I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late."

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said,

"Your prayers were answered. Your letter never arrived!"

 

[teddy]

Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.


Or so says my wife


teddy

 

[teddy]

My Wife went to the cinema alone the other night. She had to change seats five times.

Did she get interfered with?

Eventually!!!!!

Old Benny Hill joke

teddy

 

[Dorsetmike]

(note, change Irish if required to suit your ethnicity

)




Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"[

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

(Halfords is a motor and cycle accessories shop)

 

[smudgedude]

why couldn't hilary duff use paris hilton's toilet?

because lindsay lohan was passed out on it.

 

[JHC]

why couldn't hilary duff use paris hilton's toilet?

because lindsay lohan was passed out on it.

I just don't get it...........

 

[Dorsetmike]

^^^^^^WHS^^^^^^

 

[Dorsetmike]

Amazingly simple home remedies:

1.Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

 

[teddy]

And from Home Help

If you swallow an ice cube, and find yourself chocking, simply pour boiling water down your throat. It will soon melt

teddy

 

[marval]

A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the "George and the Dragon." Although it's late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.

The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out of a window.

"Could I have some food?" he asks.

The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"

"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"

"No!" she says again.

"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"

"No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.

The down and out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman interrupts impatiently.

"Might I please have a word with George?"


Margaret

 

[teddy]

Wives are like automatic bread makers. You are not always sure why you got one.

teddy

 

[marval]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a Parking Officer writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break......?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “Stupid idiot”
.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.

So Bev called him a “Dumb Head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

 

[Dorsetmike]

Wives are like automatic bread makers. You are not always sure why you got one.
teddy

I prefer this explanation -

Man spends the majority of his life looking for the ideal woman ...



in the meantime he marries

 

[marval]

Wife to Husband: "I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."

Husband to Wife: "Kitchen, bathroom, living room."

The funeral was last Tuesday.

 

[teddy]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks..
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..



"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

 

[marval]

I have just been to the gym.

They've got a new machine in.

Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.


It's great though. It provides me with everything I need

KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

 

[teddy]

why have elephants got big ears?

'cause noddy woun't go and get him back

teddy

 

[marval]

For our male members, I hope this is not you.


RETIRED HUSBAND


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the supermarket.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local supermarket:


Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to return a half eaten bag of M&Ms.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' a doctor was called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

[teddy]

My wife has recently had a pair of her knickers stolen from the washing line. She is not too worried about the knickers but would like the twelve clothes pegs back.

teddy

 

[marval]

A man is walking down the beach andcomes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops agenie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In returnI will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.First, I want one Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbersappears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrariright here."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appearsright next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible towomen."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.