Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Margaret - your store joke made me laugh until I almost wet myself ... hahahha
The Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pnoom
- Start date
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Why wasn't Jesus born in New Zealand? They had difficulty finding a virgin and three wise men.
teddy
Duckmeister
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
teddy
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
teddy
teddy
Duckmeister
When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago, Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!
So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.
Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass!
Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago, Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!
So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.
Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass!
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
Dear "confused", just tell your wife that Sam is totally not what he (er she) seems, as "he" is a sex change person. That'll sort her out.
teddy
Duckmeister
Does not always work that way with wives. I have a friend of 45 years.We lost touch for about 20 years. Then they contacted me and after an exchange of e-mails admitted they had had a sex change to female. We met up and yes it was different different but they were actiually the same person, and we are still great friends. They live with their ex wife so now when I visit I am going to visit two women.
Not complaining as I have always enjoyed female company but my wife sometimes looks at me sideways. I have no sexual interest in either of them, although I flirt with the wife a little just for fun and my friend, although they have made a very good job of the change with appearance and habits, is still my old mate. We were in our time the original MEN BEHAVING BADLY, if you have seen the show.
teddy
Not complaining as I have always enjoyed female company but my wife sometimes looks at me sideways. I have no sexual interest in either of them, although I flirt with the wife a little just for fun and my friend, although they have made a very good job of the change with appearance and habits, is still my old mate. We were in our time the original MEN BEHAVING BADLY, if you have seen the show.
teddy
marval
New member
In a small town, a man opened a store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So!"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out, each time a customer buys a trumpet; one of his neighbours buys a gun!"
One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So!"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out, each time a customer buys a trumpet; one of his neighbours buys a gun!"
marval
New member
Judy Smith, my assistant, can always be found
hard at work in her station. Judy works independently, without
wasting hospital time talking to colleagues. Judy never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and she always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Judy takes extended
measures to complete her work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Judy is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of her high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in her field. I firmly believe that Judy can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Judy be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards - Charge Nurse
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from theCharge Nurse:
Sorry, but that idiot(Judy) was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my true assessment of her...
hard at work in her station. Judy works independently, without
wasting hospital time talking to colleagues. Judy never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and she always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Judy takes extended
measures to complete her work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Judy is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of her high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in her field. I firmly believe that Judy can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Judy be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards - Charge Nurse
Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from theCharge Nurse:
Sorry, but that idiot(Judy) was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my true assessment of her...
marval
New member
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the misbehaving that was going on.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time..
When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God was not pleased.
So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay
Well, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.....
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time..
When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God was not pleased.
So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay
Well, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.....
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
LOL @ Margaret, funny
Nikam
New member
)
Dorsetmike
Member
Ethnic selection, substitute Kerryman, Newfie, Polack (or whatever suits your location) in place of Irish.
1.Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're in bed with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid eejits because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....
3. The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
4. Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!
5. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
6. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
7. Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
2. Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor.. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....
3. The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
4. Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!
5. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
6. Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
7. Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
marval
New member
I saw an advertisement for a school that claimed it could teach anyone to drive a car in five minutes or less.
I called them up and asked "How can you teach anyone to drive in five minutes or less?"
They answered "It's a crash course."
David: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
David: Every time we play Scrabble!
Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."
I called them up and asked "How can you teach anyone to drive in five minutes or less?"
They answered "It's a crash course."
David: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
David: Every time we play Scrabble!
Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."