The Jokes Thread

marval

New member
On a hot sunny day a Kangaroo went into a bar and asked for an ice cold glass of coke.

The bartender looked at him for a while and then poured him the coke,

“That'll be $5.00 please” said the bartender.

“$5.00 for a glass of coke here, its daylight robbery” said the Kangaroo and paid the man.

The bartender stood staring at the kangaroo, “Is there a problem?” said the kangaroo.

“No,”said the bartender it's just we don't get many Kangaroos in here.

At $5.00 a glass I am not surprised”, said the Kangaroo
 

marval

New member
Okay


Think of a number.

Multiply it by 3.

Now add 5.

Take away the number you first thought of.

Now add 7.

Subtract 2.

Add back the number you first thought of.

Now, close your eyes. . . .









Dark, isn't it?



 

teddy

Duckmeister
Ngongo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for
fresh water
and 7 miles for food






This is because the daft
so-and-so torched
Peckham Tescos
and Tottenham KFC
and now has to walk to Croydon for breakfast.



 

marval

New member
Single female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Kiss me and I'm yours. Call and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the owner of an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
 

teddy

Duckmeister
This is the story of the blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:


"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"


All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."


She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."


"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . .."

teddy



 

marval

New member
The farmer has a sick ram so he asks the vet to come and look at him.

The vet says, “There’s nothing physically wrong with the ram, he just seems to be depressed.”

The farmer replies, “I noticed that, so I’ve been piping music into his pen to cheer him up.”

“What kind of music,” asks the vet?

“Oh just some old favourites, like'There Will Never Be Another You.'"
 

marval

New member
I don't know why I didn't realise this sooner.

It's the shampoo we use in the shower.

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is the warning:

'FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY'.

No wonder I have been gaining weight. I am getting rid of the shampoo and am changing to dishwashing liquid, instead.


'DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE'

Problem solved.
 

marval

New member
Seventy-three year old Sol had worked in the garment centre all his life, never finding the time to get married.

But one day a beautiful seventeen-year-old girl walked into the store and it was love at first sight.

Within a month Sol and Rachel were married and on the way to Florida for their honeymoon.

"So how was it?" asked Herschel, Sol's friend, on the couple's return.

"Oh, just beautiful," replied a starry-eyed Sol.

"The sun, the surf . . . and we made love almost every night."

"Just a minute," interrupted Herschel. "At your age, forgive me for asking, you made love almost every night?"

"Oh yes," said Sol, "we almost made love Saturday, we almost made love Sunday . . ."
 

teddy

Duckmeister
Subject: Inner Peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to find the things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Brandy, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now... Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! ******


troaedi
 
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teddy

Duckmeister
Morris returns from the doctor
and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he
has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.
About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one
more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one
more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we
could...'
At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning..... you don't.'



teddy





.
 

teddy

Duckmeister
Company Policy: Effective from 18th November 2011
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay rise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor’s, you are able to come to work.
Holidays
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for Dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three – minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time need to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
The Management
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

teddy
 

marval

New member
John's car came to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"Well, I guess," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said John, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"What? The 'here after' routine? What on earth is that?" she asked.

To which John responded.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."
 

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

The following was told to me by my friend and golfing mate John

This is how he handled the situation with his wife.

When I semi-retired a few years ago (due to a so-called medical condition!), it became necessary for Leslie to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is unreasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. for example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.



John, died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her not guilty, accepting her defence that John, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
 

marval

New member
Jane had a system for labelling homemade freezer meals. She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meat loaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef PotPie."

Every day when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.

In Jane's freezer you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything,""I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good,"or "Food."

No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
 
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