The Jokes Thread

Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland , UK :

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.




WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
@mike Love it I am going print and hang it in our golf club loo
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
My secretary ran into my office shouting "sexual harassment, sexual harassment"

I hate it when people do not say please

teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Manure... An interesting fact

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later..."Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later...Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it
tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.. What's
it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than dumb. It means someone stole our tent.
 
marval

marval

New member
The orthopaedic surgeon Joe worked for was moving to a new office, and his staff were helping transport many of the items.

Joe sat the display skeleton in the front of his car, his bony arm across the back of his seat. Joe hadn't considered the drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside him became obvious, and he looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you,mate," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Our Yearly Dementia Test-- only 4 questions​

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen
test.


Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you
don't use it, you lose it!


Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory
compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the
ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test
presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.


The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've
made your answer. OK now, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?




















Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else (and try not to hurt yourself doing it). If you said, bread, go to
Question 2.


2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?


















Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the
next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even
overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate
literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water' (and
I hope you did), proceed to question 3.


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is
made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks
and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house
made from?




















Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.If you said 'green
bricks,' why are you still reading these? (Inquiring minds want to
know, huh?) If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.


4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London
to Milford Haven in Wales.
* In London, 17 people get on the bus.
* In Reading, 6 get off the bus and 9 get on.
* In Swindon, 2 get off and 4 get on.
* In Cardiff, 11 get off and 16 get on.
* In Swansea, 3 get off and 5 get on.
* In Carmathen, 6 get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven ...










Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?




















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own
age? It was YOU driving the bus!!

teddy


=
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
There will be a meeting tonight in the village hall for people suffering from impotence.

Don't worry if you can't come

teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
Three immigrants up before the judge
The first one was caught with a gun.
Take him out and hang him - said the judge

The second one was caught with a gun.
Take him out and hang him - said the judge

The third one had 49p on him.
Take him out and hang him - said the judge.
But he didn't have a gun - complained the brief.

I know - said the judge - But he was saving up for one

teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
A Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.

I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.

They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?”

 
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