The Jokes Thread

[marval]

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane: "I think everyone's asleep, let's go! This one's empty ... no-one's looking... you go in first.

It's a bit cramped - let me sit down. Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."

Sniff... sniff...

"Ah perfume - you think of everything!" "This is great....." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker; then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet, we know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations!

Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

 

[teddy]

[SIZE=+1]A small Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips.." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]"Second," Eddie said, "You must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]"Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Baptist". Once again the administrator agreed. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=+1]And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00." [/SIZE]
​

[SIZE=+1]teddy[/SIZE]


​

 

[marval]

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...
Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"

Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."
Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"

Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."

 

[GoneBaroque]

Little Jimmy came home from Sunday School crying profusely. His Father asked him what was wrong. Between his sobs Jimmy blurted out "Oh Dad, I heard the most horrible from the preacher this morning. He told us, sob, sob, sob, that Jesus was a Jew. The Father smiled and replied "That is correct, Jimmy, Jesus was a Jew. But you must always remember that God is a Methodist".

 

[marval]

An older,tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'


The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home, with my nonstop chatting and nagging wife he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?


Margaret

 

[marval]

Sorry Teddy, but I couldn't resist this.



Playing at the cardiff Odeon this weekend


9 1/2 Leeks
Trefforest Gump
Cwmando
The Lost Boyos
An American Werewolf in Powys
Huw Dares Gwyneth
Dai Hard
The Wizard of Oswestry
Cool Hand Look-you
Sheepless in Seattle
The Eagle has Llandudno
The Magnificent Severn
Haverfordwest Was Won
Austin Powys
The Magic Rhonddabout
Independence Dai
The Llanfairpwllwynyllggerchwyndrbwllllantysiliog ogogoch That Time Forgot
Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
Welsh Connection
Welsh Connection II
The Bridge on the River Wye
Lawrence of Llandybie
A Beautiful Mind-you
The Welsh Patient
The King and Mair
The Sheepshag Redemption
Breakfast at Taffynys
Look You Bach in Bangor
Evans Can Wait
A Fishguard Called Rhondda
Where Eagles Aberdare
Dial M For Merthyr


Margaret

 

[teddy]

Nice one Margaret. What can I say but iechyd da

teddy (tedi)

 

[teddy]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.




'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:

​

'Next year tell Santa;

The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!​

teddy

 

[marval]

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."


Margaret

 

[teddy]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters..

They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started,
she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a
few words on how marital sex felt.


The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar.


It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.



The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
and the card read: 'Rothmans'


Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes,
and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.



The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland , New Zealand .
Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing..
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.


Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand '

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing
the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said
'Ten times a day, seven days a week,Both ways.'
At which point she fainted

 

[marval]

"Such a nice day out today," a woman thought to herself as she took a walk through the park.

Everyone was out. People were sunning themselves, reading books and having picnics.

Eventually she came to a spot where the proprietor of the Chinese restaurant in the high street had set up shop outside.

He was preparing food to sell right there in the park.

The woman walked up to him and asked, "Why are you cooking food outside today?"

"Why not?" the man replied, "It's a great day for a wok in the park!"

 

[teddy]

Oh Margaret You will be telling us next that - the chichen is rubbery

teddy

 

[marval]

Very rubbery Teddy.


A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

"Yes," replied the Chinese man, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."

The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"

 

[teddy]

Woman brings a duck to Vet. Vet says, Your duck is dead. Woman says, Are you sure? "Yes". How can you be sure you've done no tests. Vet brings in a Labrador retriever which sniffs the duck and shakes his head. Next, a cat sniffs the bird and shakes its head. Vet says, Sorry, but as I said your duck is dead. Vet hands woman a bill. She cries, $820 to tell me my duck is dead! Vet says, If you had taken my word for it the bill would be $20 but Lab Reports and Cat Scans cost extra​

teddy​

 

[marval]

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."

 

[Dorsetmike]

A Sharing marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. ​

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.​

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.​

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.​

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'​

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything​

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.​

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'​

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'​

She answered --​

(Continue below - This is great)​

'THE TEETH.'​

 

[Dorsetmike]

A priest is dying in the hospital and one of the nurses asks him if there's anything he'd like and he says "When I'm on my deathbed I'd like Tony Blair and Gordon Brown beside me"

So the nurse writes to Westminster and for whatever reason Tony and Gordon decide to go and when they arrive at the hospital the priest smiles and says "You came- Please sit either side of me"

So they do and after a while Gordon says "Why did you want us to be here?"

And the priest says "all of my life I have tried to live as Lord Jesus did"

And Tony says "Amen"

And the priest continues "And He died between two lying cheating thieves as well"

(Amend politicians names to suit your country)

 

[Dorsetmike]

This woman's husband dies and the day before the funeral she goes to see him at the Chapel of Rest and bursts into tears...there's a blonde mortician there who hugs her and she says "No! You don't get it he's wearing a black suit!"

Blonde mortician says "He looks good in it"

And the woman says "My favourite colour is blue and it was his! He always wanted to be buried in a blue suit!" then she takes out her chequebook, signs a blank cheque and hands it to the blonde mortician saying "I know it's late but if you can get a blue suit I don't care how much it costs"

The next morning she comes back and her husband is lying in the most magnificent blue suit, looks like it could have been made to measure and she turns to the blonde mortician and says "Thank you! That must have cost a fortune but thank you!"

And the blonde mortician reaches into her pocket and hands over the signed blank cheque and says "No charge"

And the woman says "You must have spent something to get that suit!"

And the blonde mortician says "about an hour after you left last night they brought this guy in wearing a really good blue suit so I said to his widow do you mind if he's buried in a black suit? And she said she didn't care what he was buried in as long as it was smart so I swapped their heads"

 

[Dorsetmike]

Racing snails;

I used to put a pet snail on the roof of a toy Subaru (with the letter 'S' on the side) on my Hotwheels track as a kid. Lining him up alongside a Ferrari (with an 'F' on the side), his added weight would always see him tear along the track and win.

On more than one occasion my friend, watching, would say, "Wow" Look at that 'S' car go!!"...

I decided to try and make my best racing snail a little faster last night, so I took of his shell, hoping he'd be lighter and more streamlined!

If anything, it just made him more sluggish!

 

[teddy]

A kid I knew used to pull the legs off spiders and then shout BOO at them.

See -he would say - I told you they hear through their legs.............

teddy