The Jokes Thread
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- Start date
marval
New member
A new looter has been caught on camera.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jOBsEYZxhU&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jOBsEYZxhU&feature=player_embedded
GoneBaroque
New member
Guess he wanted chips with his fish.
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
How do you catch a unique animal?
marval
New member
Paddy is in the airport with a sack over each shoulder when he gets stopped by customs.
They search the two sacks and find loads of mobile phones in them.
The custom officer asks Paddy, why do you have all these phones?
I was on my travels in America and got a phone call from my mate Murphy.
He told me that he is starting up a jazz band, and could I bring him back two saxophones.
They search the two sacks and find loads of mobile phones in them.
The custom officer asks Paddy, why do you have all these phones?
I was on my travels in America and got a phone call from my mate Murphy.
He told me that he is starting up a jazz band, and could I bring him back two saxophones.
Dorsetmike
Member
A striped jumper?
Contratrombone64
Admiral of Fugues
What's the only part of Popeye that doesn't rust?
Dorsetmike
Member
Seeing as how this is a music forum, maybe we should have the occasional music joke so try this one
Paddy is in the airport with a sack over each shoulder when he gets stopped by customs.
They search the two sacks and find them full of mobile phones.
The custom officer asks Paddy, why do you have all these phones?
Sure an' I was on my travels in America and got a phone call from my mate Murphy.
He told me that he is starting up a jazz band, and could I bring him back two sacks o' phones.
(For ethnic variations modify to suit for Kerrymen, Polacks or Newfies etc)
Paddy is in the airport with a sack over each shoulder when he gets stopped by customs.
They search the two sacks and find them full of mobile phones.
The custom officer asks Paddy, why do you have all these phones?
Sure an' I was on my travels in America and got a phone call from my mate Murphy.
He told me that he is starting up a jazz band, and could I bring him back two sacks o' phones.
(For ethnic variations modify to suit for Kerrymen, Polacks or Newfies etc)
GoneBaroque
New member
Paddy was returning from a trip to Denmark.
When he was going through Customs the Officer asked him, "Do you have any pornographic materials?
Paddy replied "Why would I have that, I don't even own a pornograph".
When he was going through Customs the Officer asked him, "Do you have any pornographic materials?
Paddy replied "Why would I have that, I don't even own a pornograph".
marval
New member
Actual misphrased excerpts from student science exam papers
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them
.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favourable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them
.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favourable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Last edited:
GoneBaroque
New member
Did not know about it. I will look for it. thank you
Dorsetmike
Member
Waiting in (insert town of your choice) to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."