The Jokes Thread

marval

marval

New member
An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard.

He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.

The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy."Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.

"Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
After the burning of Carpetright yesterday, the Police in Tottenham are now


having to cope with rug dealers on every street corner.

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1am, and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the
60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking........And then I saw her face
teddy
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
A trucker pulls up to a house of ill repute.

Give me a warm beer, a stale cheese sandwich, and bring me the ugliest woman you have - he requests the barman.

Are you ill ? asks the barman.

No, just homesick.

teddy
 
marval

marval

New member
I've been banned from McDonalds!

A rather plump girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time.

She said “sorry about the wait”.

I said “don't worry, you’re bound to lose it eventually”
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under

your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple

who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the

car park.



The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the

car.

　

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On

closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under

the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of

underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..



Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,

quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into

place.

　

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found

herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.



The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
 
marval

marval

New member
Yes I like that one.


Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them: "I must tell you all something.

We have a case of Malaria in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay
 
JHC

JHC

Chief assistant to the assistant chief
Why do Nuns go around in pairs??? so that one Nun can make sure the other Nun don't get none. boom boom
 
teddy

teddy

Duckmeister
A vampire bat came in from the night, face all covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bugger off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of
excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest..
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I ******* didn't."

teddy
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next
to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks
at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks:

'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art
watch, and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says: 'A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains: 'It uses alpha waves to talk
to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies:
'Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says:
'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
 
Dorsetmike

Dorsetmike

Member
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a
Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a
note:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is
offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note


Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. The man
is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:




Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your ass
and go as a toffee apple.
 
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