The Jokes Thread

teddy

Duckmeister
This is an Incredible story!



35CE7B1DF00943F3A2656891D1D3A5C6@picklaptop


In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .


On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.


The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.


As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,


after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.


The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.


Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.


Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.


Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.


As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and


walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.


The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.


The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.



Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.


He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.


The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs





and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.








Probably wasn't the same flipping elephant.





This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.















 

marval

New member
Whatever you do, don't try to rob a pet shop if you've got a cold.

I tried it today and I only managed to come away with a rabbit.


I ran inside and shouted, 'Give me your bunny!'
 

teddy

Duckmeister
I have decided to stop making jokes about dyslexic people. I am sick of getting letters which start

Yew flockin wonker...................

teddy
 

Dorsetmike

Member
A notice in a pre-natal unit read

"The first few moments of life can be critical"

Grafitti below read

"The last few moments can be a bit dodgy too"
 

marval

New member
Man, to job applicant, ‘The spelling in your resumé is very erratic. Are you sure you don’t have dyslexia?’ Applicant, ‘Have it? I can’t even smell it.’
 

marval

New member
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No”.

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re out of here!”
 

Contratrombone64

Admiral of Fugues
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, love,' he replied.

"I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"
 

marval

New member
A dog owner had a pit bull that hated to walk.

He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash.

The owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a bottomless pit!
 

teddy

Duckmeister
Oh David.

"John, John. Theres a man at the door with a bill."

"Are you sure its not a duck?"

teddy
 

GoneBaroque

New member
a D, an F, and an A walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'm sorry, we don't serve minors.' So the F leaves, and the D and the A have an open fifth between them
 

marval

New member
A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory.

But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory's incompetence,he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words:

"TURN THE BOX OVER."
 

teddy

Duckmeister
Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidently swigged from
a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.


My apologies to those of a sensitive nature

teddy
 

Dorsetmike

Member
Three old men are talking about their aches pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee".

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old says, " At seven I pee like a horse and at eight I cr*p like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" ask the others.



"I don't wake up until nine!"
 
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